What the Bl**p!

A Long Year

2009-01-20T11:41:00.003+08:00

I can't believe it has been a year since Charlie actually asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was just another I-got-dumped-and-just-need-you-to-comfort-me-until-I-get-back-with-her-again moment. I gladly (oh, really?) accepted the 'job'. That's what I promised him years ago. I only wanted him to be happy.

He asked me on the 18th actually. A day after the ex-girlfriend got a new boyfriend. It's pretty obvious that he only wanted to fill her place just so he won't fell empty inside. So I gave him the options to leave me whenever he felt ready. It doesn't matter if he's going back to the girl or find another girl. I'm pretty much used to his "No, I'm gonna make this relationship happens" and later catch him already with the girl behind my back. That's what friends are for.

And the fact that we're hundreds of miles away made me believe that things won't work out for us. He 'cheated' me back then when I can see him everyday and we had lunch or dinner together for almost everyday. So what can a long-distance relationship promise me? Absolutely nothing.

But it happened anyway. Hundreds of miles away, communicating through Skype and phone everyday. Then a few days before my birthday last year he went million miles away from me. He promised me he would be faithful. And I reminded him that the option is still available.

I'm glad we managed to get through the year pretty well. Last month he told me to be prepared for a big surprise when he comes back home. So I have about a month of waiting to do. Hmm...

Oh, about the ex-girlfriend. I think she's a psycho. Or maybe she got some loose screw somewhere in her head. The time she dumped Charlie she actually asked me why don't I become his girlfriend, to which I replied that is his to decide, and I will keep him company for as long as he wishes me to, as a friend. Then I heard how she badmouthed me for stealing him from her. And now she broke up with her boyfriend I think she'll hate me even more. Whatever!

Queenie said she can't wait to hear some good news from me and Charlie. Well, Queenie dear, don't worry. You'll be in my top list of people to get my invitation if things are getting more serious between us ;)

Gone and Missing

2009-01-08T15:14:00.003+08:00

He's gone. And I missed him.

It has been three weeks since my Brother is gone. Times and times again, especially when I am all alone I'll break down and cry. Just like right now.

I had this same thought over and over again. I grew my six early years up without him. I got him as an unwelcomed early birthday present on my sixth birthday. He was born on April 27th. Mine? 28th.

I didn't like him coz I know he'll get the best of everything in his life being the youngest and the only (long awaited) son. And yes, I was right on that one. Not long after that I became a bully. Once I kicked the air above his head, but somehow something went wrong and it went to his face. And he was only a kindie kid (or was it when he was in his early years of school?). His nose bled. I was scolded for that, but I felt great.

I felt great when I can pick on him and get my parents scold him. Why? Coz that rarely happens, and when it happened it was like watching a miracle in front of my very eyes. Like one time we were fighting over something and he used foul language and I slapped him for that, and when Mom was about to scold me I told her about the improper word he just said, and he was scolded for that. And I secretly let an evil grin ran across my lips.

Then he grew up being a boy with lots of questions in his mind, and I became his Information Center. He followed me a lot. He listened to what I listened to. He asked me what to wear. We played video games together. I even get to be the first player in one video game coz I was good at it and he was not. What's his are mine and what's mine are his. Almost. We swapped things. Bags. Tees. Pants. Shoes. And sometimes I sleep in his room when he's at school and he didn't say anything about it.

This morning I had chocolate milk for breakfast. Dad bought three cartons a couple of weeks ago. That amount would normally lasts for a week or so. Now it took longer since my Brother is gone. The two of us usually empty a carton in one day. Two glasses of choc milk for each. Now I only drink one small cup a day. There's no fun drinking it alone. And the rest of my family rarely drink choc milk the way we both do.

A few months ago he asked me what should he do after school. He told me he wanted to take Computer Science and I told him to go for something else. We chatted a lot a few weeks ago. He talked about going to college, getting a license, getting a car. There are some stuff he wanted to which I wanted to reply: You can use mine and I'll get another one for you later. And some stuff I wanted to apologised to him about. Somehow those words got stuck in my throat, and I thought of getting the little stuff he wanted with my allowance. And the car he wanted? I thought of getting it once I graduated and have a job to pay for it, so we can share the car.

But those things didn't happen and won't be happening now he's gone. And the song If You're Gone by Matchbox Twenty keeps playing in my head.

There's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

Everything. From the buds earphone and thumb drive I'm using everyday now to the jackets we swapped a few months back, the chocolate milk I drink, the hard disk we bought with my money to be put in his PC last year. And how can I forget about the bags we swapped. He took my backpack for his final trip and I took his sling bag to work. And the last message I sent to him asking for my money back a few hours before the tragedy happened.

The last thing I said to him right before he left home: Get me some souvenirs. He didn't buy me anything. But I have lots of souvenirs to keep.

There's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

Surprises

2008-12-10T03:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I love surprises. Sometimes I don't. Most of the time I love them. Especially if no one ever gave me a clue on it. Ever. (Read: Surprise party, presents, all the good stuff...)

Charlie kept on saying stuff like "I have a surprise for you. Just wait and be prepared." All I could think of was an expensive gift. Something I would wish he would not buy. So I can have the money spent on something else I want. Hehe...

Last time he called and said he has something for me, I kept on asking what kind of surprise. I don't really like the nervousness of thinking what could the surprise possibly be. I hate cluttering my already cluttered head with 'surprise'. And he told me he got me a Hard Rock Cafe sweater. Yay! Now I know what his gift is I don't have to think about it anymore. But I kept on thinking about it anyway. I'd love to see what the sweater looked like. Maybe I could wear it everyday.

Just now he called. And he said something about "Just wait for a surprise from me." What? The not-so-surprise-anymore sweater is not the surprise he told me about?

I asked him again. This time he said just wait and see. And just be prepared for it. And he said don't be surprised if a rombongan come one day. Any day.

Erkk... I really am surprised now. Is that a joke or what? What should I expect? From his tone it doesn't sound like he's 100% serious about it. But who knows? There's 50:50 chance he meant what he said.

I'm not ready for that kind of surprise. Even if he told me 1000 times and 1000 years earlier. So I have this written in my mind with permanent marker: THIS IS JUST A JOKE.

Yup. I'm going to take it as a joke. He often made me feel confused and curious. And enjoy every moment of it. He loves messing with my head, making me scratch my head and mess my already messy hair.

Whatever thing he's planning for the 'surprise' I'm living with this mantra right now: HE IS JOKING. What he told me is not real. He'll laugh at me when he saw me panicking at the thought of him meeting my parents for something THAT serious.

Whatever.

So I'm focusing my energy on the sweater he bought me. Can't wait for that one.

Quickie

2008-11-24T04:01:00.003+08:00

OK, this is gonna be a quick post. I found this post and thought "Whoa... That's cool." It shows a 20 y/o girl photographed as a 10 y/o, 20 y/o, 30 y/o, 40 y/o, 50 y/o and 60 y/o. Totally awesome. I don't understand the texts in the pictures though. Overall an awesome work.

Finally It's Over

2008-11-17T20:15:00.002+08:00

The whole hectic weeks of FYP, thesis and stuff is finally over. I just need a few more days to complete the little things and THEN I'm off from this whole thing. Makes me consider my options of furthering my studies. I don't think I want to go through the hassles all over again. Then again I found some sample thesis from a university and everything looks not as complicated as ours. Makes me wonder if things are actually a lot simpler than what the Faculty wants it to be.

I printed my thesis (3 copies of it) just to realise that some formatting error happened. I was tired with the whole editing things (I spent some days scrolling up and down the text just to make sure everything is OK and STILL, the final, printed version came up with errors that left me in horror). I also ran out of time so whatever will be will be. Nobody is going to read that junk anyway.

I was required to write a report on my project (after the whole thesis thingy is over) but my head is still cluttered as I am typing this. I was supposed to hand it over together with some other stuff today. Heck. How am I supposed to submit something I haven't even write?

I searched for some sample reports yesterday. Was hoping to find something that can help me understand what I need to write. Summarizing stuff is my weakness since years ago in school. I always failed in summarizing texts or graphs or whatever stuff that was needed to be summarized. And now I have to summarize my thesis.

Anyway, I found this cool stuff. SCIgen - An Automatic CS Paper Generator. A totally cool stuff. It will amuse you with all the stuff you don't understand. Complete with a long list of references and figures and graphs too. And you haven't come to the best part yet. Some papers generated by SCIgen were accepted as some real work. How cool is that? Too bad I found the link late. That thing is dated years ago. But still, it amuses me.

And after hours (it's almost sunrise of the new day) I still haven't got a clue on what to write for the report. Hmm...

Click click click

2008-10-15T18:20:00.002+08:00

What am I doing here typing this post? I thought I said I'm busy with the project? Then why the heck am I spending some time writing this post?

I'm in the library right now. Will be closed in half an hour or so. I'm gonna get out before the PA system announces the closing time. Let's hope I won't forget my card reader and SD card today. I lost my thumb drive the last time I became the last person to leave the computer lab.

I'm searching for tutorials on pop-up windows and passing data. Whew... I never thought it will take THIS lot of time. Well, I'm just gonna grab whatever thing I can find and analyse them later. So...

Click click click...

Under Pressure

2008-10-15T17:02:00.002+08:00

I have like a to make sure that my current project is working. I still have two feature sets to complete. The problem is, those two are the CORE of my project.

*sigh*

I'm working hard (enough) these few days. But it seems like things are going against me, pushing me further and further away from my goal.

Everytime I have that rare burst of energy to do whatever it takes to complete what I have left, the sleep fairy surely gets a way to sprinkle some sleepy dust on me.

*yawn*

But I have no problem staying awake when I don't feel like doing anything related to the project.

Oh, I also have my thesis half done. Need to squeeze that in between writing lines and lines of codes, testing and debugging and those head-scratching moments.

And I need to sweep the floor often too. My hair is everywhere. Especially on the floor.

Time to roll up the invisible sleeves and get back to work.

p( '_' )q

XOXO

2008-10-09T15:52:00.002+08:00

A few days ago I heard a friend of my Roomies asked: What is xoxo? And the Roomie she was talking to said: hugs and kisses. The kid said X is kiss, so it stands for hugs and kisses, I guess. The Friend: Oh...

Yup. Ten points for the Roomie. But that's not why I'm writing this post.

I'm writing because The Friend pronounced XOXO as xoxo... Like 'so-so' instead of 'ex-oh-ex-oh'.

I am mean for pretending like I didn't hear the whole thing, and the whole time trying to keep my grin from escaping. I am bad.

I know I'm bad. I know I'm not supposed to laugh or grin or anything when the person asking the funny question truly don't know what the thing is. That the point of asking the first place.

I was stupid like that too, not knowing what XOXO or XXX was. I only knew that it was something some people put under their signature in a letter or a card. And that's it. No particular meaning, only something fancy. Yes, I was stupid. But I took the safe way and pronounced it the way it is spelled. All capitals. Individual letters.

She made it sounds weird. Poor girl. Then again, I don't really like her. So I don't feel sorry for her.

New Love

2008-10-06T20:52:00.002+08:00

What do you get when you cross one thing you have always loved with something you fell for recently? A new love!

I'm not talking about my *lalala*. No one will ever replace him in the nearest future.

I'm talking about J-Rocks.

I love J-Rock. So what's new about that?

Notice the letter S after the K? Nope. Not a typo.

J-Rocks is a band from Indonesia. I accidentally discovered the band's existence when I mistakenly downloaded a video clip I thought was from L'Arc~en~Ciel (my fav!!!)

Well, the video clip was heavily influenced by Laruku. The song, the video. Heck. The singer sounded a lot like Hyde!

I decided to do some research on the band. And also downloaded the albums. Sorry guys. Even if I want to get the original stuff your albums are not available here. Then again, I love being a pirate. Well, the clip I watched was from the first album. They lost the Laruku sound in the second album, but still, very Japanese Rock (J-Rock).

So, will I trade Laruku's place with J-Rocks? No way! Laruku is still the best. Yeah!!!

I couldn't get my dose of Laruku's songs. I just realised that a lot of their songs are lost and/or corrupted when I tried transferring them from the SD card to the PC back to the SD card. (!_!)

But J-Rocks' are pretty cool. They do sound a lot like Laruku (I'm talking about the first album. But the second is cool too) and from another point better than Laruku. At least I don't have to Google for the lyrics' translations to understand what the song is about... Then again, maybe one. There's one song in Japanese in the first album.

Never mind. I think I just found the very same song in Indonesian.

What the...?

2008-06-27T05:17:00.002+08:00

You've gotta see this thing. It's a screen capture image of Ubuntu's review found in Amazon.com. For computer freaks and geeks, you will either laugh or say "WTF?" or probably both. In any order. For non-computer freaks and geeks who know what Ubuntu is, you'll get my point. For none of the above, Ubuntu is NOT a game.

The image is accessible here.

What's Cooking?

2008-06-26T21:25:00.001+08:00

I cook porridge for dinner today :) I was thinking of putting the instant porridge into the pot with some water and let it boil and put an egg later but I discarded that thought and made a pot of porridge myself.

Rice, water, garlic, onion, ginger, sesame oil, salt, chicken stock. Well, it started with just the rice, water, sesame oil and salt but I thought adding some extra items will enhance the flavour so I put them in.

Next I fried some dried anchovies with some garlic, onion and chillies. Then some thin omelette rolled and cut into stripes. Tada...

As expected, nobody wants to eat what I just made. Except for my Dad. He will eat whatever food available in the kitchen when he's hungry.

Am I actually that bad? I mean nobody wants to eat what I cook. Maybe cooking is not for me. Maybe I should not cook at all.

2008-06-26T16:03:00.002+08:00

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.

This is like one of the most popular saying of all time. But I found an interesting twist to it.

Give a man a program, and you'll fustrate him for one day.
Teach a man to program, and you'll frustrate him for a whole lifetime.

And so I began searching for others. And yes, there are more available.

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.”—Author unknown

“Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless he doesn't like sushi—then you also have to teach him to cook.”—Auren Hoffman, Herald Philosopher

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.”—OldFox

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.”—Author unknown

They are actually interesting. And funny. Credits to Ross Nordeen on the set of fish sayings.

Huh?

2008-06-24T05:06:00.002+08:00

No Spasms..No Scams..No Cheat..Real Money..Real People..Real Site..Try It..

A text ad promoting money-making program or newsletter subscription (on how to make money). See anything weird?

No SPASM instead of SPAM.

:P

Buzzwordsmith

2008-06-23T16:29:00.003+08:00

The 6 Most Annoying Coworkers: Are You One?

As usual when I start the browser, Yahoo! pops up and I can see many articles with attention-catching titles and excerpts and I will usually take some time to read them. And I found the article above.

An interesting piece. The 6 characters apply in school too. Skip number 4 coz back then in school nobody uses computer to communicate with each other (OK, maybe some). But I got that a lot in College.

There was a really annoying kid in school that suited number 3. He used bombastic words in his essays and carried a very big thick hard cover dictionary to class and the teacher used to shower him with lots of praises. Maybe he was also number 2. But yeah, I never understand what 'paradigm shift' was. And is. It was the 'it' term back then, but I never knew what it was for.

Now, if only I knew what Buzzwordsmith is back then in school. I would love to use that word on him. And that would make me a Buzzwordsmith too, right? Hmm...

Anything, Whatever

2008-06-14T19:55:00.002+08:00

The Anything and Whatever drink is finally here!!! I don't know since when but I just saw the ads on one site. Available at 7-Eleven. I'm soooooooooooo going to buy some just for a thrill.

Yay! Now I don't have to beg anyone from Singapore to get some for me. Like I have ever done that. (I'm not that desperate, OK?)

I Forgot About It... Again

2008-06-14T18:59:00.002+08:00

Yeah. Yesterday was Friday, 13th and as usual I totally forgot about it. I didn't go out for some observation on bad lucks that might happen to me or anybody else. So I guess I missed the fun.

Nothing bad happened to me. Just like the other Friday, 13th I had before. One horoscope did mention that Friday, 13th was my lucky day. I wish there are more of those. I need all the good luck I can get. Haha...

Crash Course

2008-06-14T05:07:00.002+08:00

My *lalala...* is having one of those very low self esteem moments. He was scolded by his Boss for his bad English.

So I typed "free English crash course" in the search box and I found some useful links. Not exactly what I have in mind. But heck!

And I found this: Czech crash victim wakes up speaking English.

It's pretty funny.

"Hopefully I can pick English up over the winter for the start of next season so I'll be able to speak it without someone having to hit me over the head first."

If only things are as simple as that...

Cramming Session

2008-05-27T16:12:00.002+08:00

I have two more days to undergo some extensive training before sitting for my exam. I have butterflies in my tummy the way I had them a year ago. Only this time, I am sitting for a different yet equally important exam. And I wish to pass this time.

We've had CCNA test simulations a bit too much, I guess. I feel like puking. Or maybe that is just my tummy feeling bloated especially in the cold lab (I'm practically freezing in here). They made me feel sick.

And oh, I haven't done my lab exercise yet. And the CramSession 42-page e-book and Todd Lammle's Study Guide. I haven't go through even 10% of the book (some 900 pages). And the binary table!

This is definitely not the time to whine about the dead computer. He's dead. Let him be. Just get over it.

*sigh*

I will definitely gain some few pounds back (or more) under this sort of pressure.

All for a certificate some people don't even bother try gaining. Some don't even understand why I wanted to take the exam. If anyone's going to ask about it, I'll definitely say: Personal satisfaction. The details? Well. It was a whole different thing I don't bother to tell anyone. It's personal.

Exam is on Friday. Will need a lot of luck.

Note to self: Study! Note to God: Please help me get through this. And please don't give me the hotspot and lab questions. Please let me pass the exam and get the cert. (Some text omitted to save space.) Amen.

Bound

2008-05-20T04:18:00.002+08:00

I was surfing a portal when I found one advertisement offering theses binding service. There's a URL included so I thought, "Hey, let's give it a shot."

Template site with most of the text unchanged. Yup. The text from the template is still there. So unprofessional. First impression: Not a good company. They didn't even change the text from the template they are using that reads "This is an area on your website where you can add text. This will serve as an informative location on your website, where you can talk about your site."

I browsed the site for contact info and whoaa... Guess what? There is no physical address (an absolute no for a business) and another shocking thing is the contact numbers provided belong to two guys in my College. Haha... What a small world.

Free of charge (FOC) delivery service for UMP valley.

And this is another line that makes me wanna laugh. UMP Valley?

Dead!

2008-05-20T03:02:00.002+08:00

This is one of MCR's song title. But this post has nothing to do with that song. Except for the fact that I can no longer listen to the song in my computer simply because my computer is dead. And perhaps there is a connection between the song (that is playing in my head) with what happened to the computer.

It is officially dead a few days ago. A few days after my proposed title for the new Final Year Project is accepted and a couple of days before my Cisco class started.

Yes. I desperately need a computer. For my FYP and the simulations for the coming exam. Yes. I need to run simulations of routers and switches and PCs and the connections and configurations before I can prepare myself for the real thing and the exam. Yes. I need to pass both the exam and the FYP. Back to square one: Yes. I desperately need a computer.

And I also need a computer for the whatnots (read: entertainment and stuff not related to anything educational). I need a break too.

Did I tell you that I need to cram some 900 pages and tons of simulations in two weeks? All for a piece of cert. *sigh* Oh. Also tons of binary calculations and IP addresses. I'm seeing lots of numbers now. I hate numbers.

Die a month before his fourth birthday. Sad, isn't it? But I guess my notebook lived long enough. (I forgot if I have given my notebook a name, but if I did, it surely is a male's name.)

In case you're wondering how the heck I managed to write this post: I can only access the Internet from the PC in the lab or my Roomies' notebooks when they are asleep. And no, I can't access my blog from the lab's PC. Derrick (the trainer) will surely catch me red-handed typing stuff during his class. Dead, man. Dead! (One good reason why I should pick the PC furthest from his desk, but sadly I didn't. I sit right next to his desk. Haha!)

To my Roomies, thanks for letting me use your notebooks. I truly appreciate it. :)

Nice

2008-05-15T02:25:00.002+08:00

A nice hot shower and bath is great. I feel a whole lot better now. Why didn't I take it sooner? *sigh*

Well, let's just enjoy life's little treats once in a while.

:)

Thinner

2008-05-14T04:28:00.002+08:00

One very obvious proof that I am now thinner than expected: My newly bought jeans (only a few months old) is now like a sack hanging on my hips. Seriously. I bought a pair of jeans a few months back, a non-stretchable one only to expect myself (read: my hips and butts and thighs) to grow in it without overstrecthing the fabric and make it not wearable like the fates of some of my stretchable jeans.

I did grow a bit in it. As I carefully planned, the jeans don't stretch so I can wear it without having to worry about getting a pair of new pants to replace this. Well, actually I can see the stitches being pulled apart a bit too much but that's another story.

And guess what? Now I have to secure the jeans with my belt. The pants + belt look ugly coz I have to wear the belt like I wear a drawstring pants. Yuck. But that's the only way of doing it.

Sometimes I'm in my lazy mode, I wear the pants minus the belt. And that is when I really feel insecure. I have to wear shirt long enough to cover my undies from showing (sadly girls' T-shirts are made to be short until recently the mall is swamped with long T-shirts *sigh* sadly I don't have budget for some) and I always feel like my pants are going to drop by accident. Like what if I accidentally stash my stuff into my pocket in a manner a bit too rough my pants will drop? Or what if somebody pull my pants down? (Heck. I don't know where that sort of idea came from.) Or what if someone step on my pants and I walk and the pants just... (is that possible?)

I put myself on yet another almost ultimate test: The pant pulling test.

The test is done to determine whether my waistline has really expanded or shrunk or I just made either up. I had it done with a cargo pants with the waist bigger than the usual pants I wear. That particular cargo has proven my theory: I was thin before the test because the pants (at the time the test is conducted) sat comfortably on my hips without needing any help from a belt. Either my waist size has added up or my butts have.

Another method to be used in conducting this almost ultimate test is by pulling the pants down. Works great with pants from non-stretchable materials. This is to test whether I have slimmed down a bit or not. Best used to measure the size of my bottom without using the tape. I don't like tape very much coz it tells the truth (absolute number). I don't need the truth. I just need to feel good.

So one day (or was it night?) after having a meal and a chat with RD I did the test when I was about to change into my PJ. Just a bit tug and the jeans slipped off me. Whoaa... That is a bad sign. Too thin for my new pants. Luckily the pants were cheap. I think I need to buy a new pair. Wait... Do I really need a new pair of jeans?

My second test was done yesterday. I was about to go out for a dinner with my Roomies. A dinner not well-planned. I pulled up the same pair of jeans without undoing the zipper. YES! WITHOUT undoing it! And without sucking my stomach in to make me feel a bit thinner! I wiggled a bit in the pants only to make it stay securely on my pelvic bone. (Pelvic bone? Correct me if I'm wrong.)

So, from the tests conducted, it is proven that I am now thinner and I need new pants. Some of the old stretchable jeans have overstretched during the 'expanding' period so I can't wear them. Donations are welcomed. Leave me a note for my PayPal or AlertPay e-mail address.

Maybe I should put a "Donate" button somewhere. Hmm...

Makes Me Wonder...

2008-05-14T03:12:00.002+08:00

Do you call a very thin guy/girl a walking stick?

Hmm...

Arrived

2008-05-09T18:41:00.003+08:00

The packages I've been waiting for has arrived. 3 days ago. Mom just told me. She asked me if the packages should be sent to me. The packages can wait. I just need to know they have arrived safely.

Those are the pendants and ring I ordered a few weeks ago. Now I know they have arrived, that means the company is real and I can put more orders after this. I can't wait to have more money in my TuneCard or PayPal and do some more purchasing. Yay!

Now I just have to wait for my *lalala...* to come home in August. *sigh* August is still far away.

And now I can order something for Paris' and Mom's birthday. Or whatever day. But first, I need to have the money. Would be a nice surprise huh getting a mysterious parcel from the US of A with pretty little things inside.

Can't wait to get my hands on the tiny packages. :)

Can't Get It Out of My Head

2008-05-08T17:02:00.003+08:00

There is this song I can't get rid of. It has been sitting there in my head, haunting me for weeks. I call it the Ghost Song. I don't have a particular name for it. Just the Ghost Song.

The song is about love, loyalty, betrayal, death, and no hate. It's kinda weird. But ghosts are like that. They are supposed to haunt you. Not just kill you.

The song usually come out of nowhere, repeating over and over and over again as long as I let it to. Haunting is the word. Most of the time it will make me smile. For absolutely no reason. Maybe I'm imagining a little bit too much. But that won't kill, so there's nothing wrong about it.

Now I need to get that song out of my head and written on something and make some adjustments and then I can sing it the whole day if I want to.

The Old Bell

2008-05-08T07:30:00.002+08:00

Can you hear the sound
the Old Bell is ringing
a sad long deep sound
you do know what it means

Come
the end is nearing
come
Death is waiting

With the second wind blowing
in the morning glow
you know you're about to go
I'll wave you the last goodbye
when Death takes your hands

Come
the end is nearing
come
Death is waiting

And I wish you a pretty place
filled with all the ugly things you made
it will be a beautiful torture
a sweet, happy ending

The Old T-shirt Test

2008-05-03T07:42:00.002+08:00

I never believe when people say I look thinner than the last time they saw me. So every once in a while when I receive quite a number of it, I would put myself to a test. The almost ultimate test: The old T-shirt test.

The test is simple. I would put on the clothes I used to buy/wear before I ~~grow~~ expand to the new size. It is pretty tricky with old T-shirts though. The T-shirt will usually stretch after many washes, so to be fair I usually change a few times, trying a few clothes out to see if I really look different.

Just now I did that again. I couldn't find my old T-shirt from my Pre-U year (the T-shirt stretches over the years, probably a bit too large for the almost ultimate test) so I grabbed another T-shirt slightly smaller than it. I believe the T-shirt is slightly smaller than the one I wore a lot back then in Pre-U college and it doesn't stretch much thanks to the cheap material the factory is using. The passing mark is when I can fit into the T-shirt without looking "extremely desperate" or at least "desperate" trying to fit in a small T-shirt.

And the result is... (drum roll)

I passed!

And it was pretty scary. I can wear the T-shirt without having to see any unnecessary flesh (plus fat) trying to squeeze itself out near to the fabric.

And how could that be scary?

Try piling up lots of pounds throughout the years (I gained 15 kg in 4 years with lots of ups and very little downs) and losing (almost all of) them in a couple of months (and a little bit more). And you know that you're not losing them in the healthy way. THAT is the scary part.

I managed to squeeze in a T-shirt slightly smaller than the one I bought 5 years ago, and it really looked like back then: me in my small T-shirt. Now I believe why people said I'm a lot thinner than before.

I still need to lose some weight (plus fat) from the waist down. *sigh*

CHEATER!!!

2008-05-01T23:17:00.002+08:00

I cheat.

I can't believe I am actually going to do this again. I play Pokemon Crystal with GameShark cheat codes. It's fantastic. My first try is catching Totodile. I chose Chikorita at the beginning of the game so getting a Totodile or Cyndaquil is impossible throughout the game unless if I can trade the Pokemon, which is impossible too, because I am using ROM emulator, not the real device. So cheating is the only way to get them in my Pokedex.

I cheat only to catch the Pokemon, not to win any battles with cheat code-raised Pokemon. Where's the fun in playing the game then? My next goal is to catch a few Eevee so I can use different stones on them and have many different evolution. The next? Catching the three legendary dogs. I came across one in the grass earlier but it fled and it will probably be impossible to be found again, so cheating comes in handy. I can cheat with using lots of Masterball, but I prefer the traditional way. Hehe...

Happy ~~cheating~~ gaming!

Note: This is more like a compensation because I had caught and raised some of my Pokemon to a certain level and somehow the game I saved is lost! I don't feel very bad cheating in the game. :P

Road to Anorexia

2008-05-01T16:52:00.002+08:00

I have been getting quite some "Oh, you look thin" for the past few days. This afternoon I got three people saying the same thing. Two of them said I look a lot thinner. A LOT. I was already 'thinner' when they saw me two months back, but now I'm "thinner than that."

I am not on a diet. And I am not sick. So nobody should worry about me.

I am not dieting. But I have to admit I eat very little now. I can't tolerate a huge amount of food in one sitting without feeling sick afterwards. I am in my "not hungry" period where I can go without food for the whole day or two without complaining "I'm hungry."

I eat less food than usual. I used to eat the same amount my roommates eat - combined. I was a big eater. I used to eat as much as my *lalala...* is eating, and sometimes more. And he eats a lot. Now I can only eat a quarter or less than that.

My appetite was greatly reduced when I was down with fever about a week ago. I didn't eat real food that day. Yesterday I ate 5 pieces of prunes, 4 white bread and a cup of instant cream of chicken soup. The day before yesterday and the day before that I ate two pieces of tuna sandwiches for each day. I am not talking about jumbo-sized sandwiches. Spicy tuna flakes on plain white bread, garnished with some tomato and salad. And I have a medium-sized dark chocolate bar sitting in my bag waiting patiently to be eaten since a few weeks ago.

I am a lot thinner than before, and my stomach is refusing food. A whole lot thinner and I'll be anorexic. I am forcing myself to eat more and more everyday, only to end up feeling bloated and not very well after each meal, or sometimes throwing up whatever thing that is available in my empty stomach. Ouch.

I am fighting it. But fighting requires a lot of energy and will. And I lack both. I am hanging on with whatever that is left in me to survive.

I am not going to be anorexic.

YouTube and You

2008-04-18T03:09:00.004+08:00

I watched a few laughing babies videos (plus some cool talents) just now. It was great. I haven't laugh like this for quite a while. I think I just hurt my jaws grinning.

Well, something hit me. No, it wasn't a ghost. Just a thought.

All these videos on the Internet. People are putting videos of their babies so other people will watch and laugh. It's like America's Funniest Home Video - minus the cash for winning the title. The babies will be an instant star.

Imagine when the babies are all grown up. And they discovered that their baby videos are all over the Internet for people to see. And the videos show how they made face in front of the camera.

"Mom! You did that?"

"It was nothing honey."

"That is embarrassing."

"Nobody knows it was you."

"But still..."

This is like when your boyfriend is coming over and your parents show all your pictures. How silly you looked like. How ugly you looked like when Daddy didn't buy the present you want. How weird you look like as a baby. But with motion and sound included. And sometimes a theme song.

"That was you?"

"Ermm... Well... Yeah."

"Haha... I laughed at that video some few months ago. It was on YouTube. I never thought it was you."

"Ermm..."

Embarassing moments are to be shared. What a good laugh is for if the world can't have it? Mommies and Daddies, bring the video cams wherever you go. Or at least have your camera phone ready (with lots of space for videos!) and embarrass your children when the time comes.

:P

Two Cents

2008-04-13T17:15:00.002+08:00

Last night I bought a Fillet-O-Fish, a large fries, a large Coke and some pies at the McD's near my house. Two separate purchases because the guy at the counter punched in my meal without the pies. For both purchases the digits shown at the machine were round. With zeros at the back. It was kinda weird actually. The joy of paying the bill actually lies in scouring through pockets and wallets to beat the guy or the girl at the counter.

"Wait. I have 7 cents!"

"Aww... 2 cents short."

"Hey, I have 6 cents. Aww... Too late. Now I have lots of 1 cent coins."

"One. Two. Three. Hey, you have one cent?"

I'm going to miss those moments now.

The government is currently promoting the rounding up or down for everything. No more 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 or 9 ending the digits in your receipt. You will only see 0 or 5. 1 cent is still valid for the time being but will be phased out. Anyone know when?

I think I'm going to miss a lot more than competing with the fast food guy on who can put 1 cent coins on the counter faster.

Remember back then in school the Maths teacher asked us to trace coins on papers and cut them up and paste them into books according to the given values? 1 cent coin got some sort of "special treatment" - I traced the coin with my brown pencil colour. "Because the coin is brown." (Bronze, actually). I only use my pencil for 5 cent, 10 cent, 20 cent and 50 cent coins.

And remember when we used to have competitions between classes? The "1 Cent Coins" competition. I don't know what other people call that. Classes compete with each other in collecting 1 cent coins. The class with the highest number of coins collected win some prize. The collected coins go to the school. Another twist is the collected coins will be used to create or decorate structures.

I guess kids don't do that in school anymore. So, phasing out the coins maybe is a good thing to do. Rounding up or down price perhaps is a good practice. There are many people who wants to avoid the hassle created by 1 cent coins.

I guess the coin boxes at the McD's counter will have to wait a bit longer to fill up after all 1 cent coins are phased out.

Play A Game and Feed A Guy

2008-04-02T19:25:00.003+08:00

Or a girl. A child. A mom. A dad. A grandpa or a grandma. A nobody. Anybody.

I stumbled upon a site that is fun and rewarding at the same time. At least for people who enjoy testing their vocabulary.

FreeRice is a site where you play vocabulary game by picking the correct answer to each of the word given. If you answer correctly you will get a harder word next. If you fail to do so, you will be given an easier one. Each correct answer will add 20 rice grains to your bowl. Wrong answers will not be penalised.

20 grains of rice is a small amount you say? Multiple that with 20 correct answer and you can feed a person a meal. Scoring 20 questions right is not at all difficult. As I am writing this post now I have been clicking on more words than my usual. Mindlessly. Guess what? I hit my second 2000-grains-a-day record in a week. (^_^)

This is actually fun. Seriously. And good too. This is serious game of gaining rice for donation. The rice will be donated to UN World Food Program to help combating hunger. 20 grains of rice is a lot better than nothing at all, so even if you hit one and only one correct answer, that is good enough. Really.

So how do these people managed to donate rice? And why do you need to play the game to donate some 20 grains of rice? At the bottom of the screen there is a banner rotator where the people running the site will be paid for each displayed banner. When you choose an answer, the screen refreshes, the ad changes and ka-ching. The site gets paid and they use the money to buy rice. Simple.

So play this game and do some good. (^_^)

Blame It On Tim Burton and Johnny Depp!

2008-03-12T05:28:00.002+08:00

Now I can't get the song out of my head. And at times I can be heard humming whatever song from the movie my mind can think of.

I am talking about Sweeney Todd. Kudos to Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. Now everybody near me will have to bear listening to my hums until I am totally over it.

Write a review? Maybe later.

Final Words

2008-03-11T09:17:00.001+08:00

If I die tomorrow
what would you say to me today?

Miss Hazy Dazy Blur Bimbo Butterflower

2008-03-05T04:02:00.005+08:00

Someone called me a name that is almost an equivalent of the word "Bimbo". Stupid. Shallow. Hazy dazy. Blur. Clueless. Those sort of things... You get the idea.

That "someone" is the GF. Ex-GF now. Well, that means she hates me. She pretended to be nice to me when in fact she was only being "nice". Obviously.

That made my *lalala...* hates her even more. Yay! Bonus point for me. (^_^)

I admit that I AM the hazy dazy type of girl. I always answer questions with a one syllabus question (I don't think it can be called a word): Huh? And sometimes followed by "What?" or just "Whaa..?" (with a silent T).

So, yeah, the word is acceptable to be used to describe me. But ONLY IF you know me. I mean personally know me. Or quite personally. In short, you can call me that only if I allow you to. And dear Ex-GF, I don't allow you to do so.

My *lalala...* was sweet enough to be my knight in the shining armor protecting me, the damsel in distress, from the name-caller. All when he already knew just how blur and stupid I could be. And I am often blur, I could say "Blur" is my middle name. Thank you, you are my hero!

So if you really want to call me that without being hated by my *lalala...* you need to be:

my close/pretty close contact
not his ex-GF with some negative feelings left from the bitter end of a relationship
and even if you don't fulfill the #2 requirement you can still do so if I let you to (refer to #1)

Happy name-calling!

When Nothing Means Everything

2008-02-25T19:27:00.002+08:00

I've heard the same stuff before. And now I heard about it again.

I whined about my lost certificates again. Yeah, I did let it go once. But knowing that everybody else still have the chance to get their unclaimed certs while I can't (because the certs simply "don't exist" by mistake) brought the once buried pain. Yup. I need those certs.

For someone with such a good record on extra-curricular activities, losing a certificate or two means nothing. Sure, you have tons of impressive achievements. You can simply let go of a couple of certs or two because that would only add up to "There's too much stuff to see, I'll have to skip some" while Yours Truly only have a couple of certs that shows minor involvement in whatever things that she has joined and get some tokens of appreciation of.

In plain English and simple Maths: One of your stuff equals to 10 of mine. And you have more than one.

And I lost a couple of certs with quite some value to boost up my CV. Thank you.

Oh, did I mention I worked the Hell out for them?

Newsflash

2008-02-23T01:23:00.002+08:00

I'm pretty busy lately. There are lots of stuff going on. There were very little posts since a few weeks back. Looks like I'm having a boring life, huh?

Well, things were actually different from that. I can only say things of the past. I don't know whether the good vibes will continue or not. But things were pretty cool a few weeks back. Whether that is karma or cosmic balance (thank you AKAB for explaining about it) I'll take it all.

Some of the stuff I did but were left untold (at least not yet at the time this post is written):

I skipped going home on my mid-sem break (the longest continuous stay in College ever)
I drove the car around the town without any supervision
I did wall-climbing
I joined capoeira (and I'm the only girl)
I got my red plastic card (and I just got my Paypal and MoneyBookers account verified!)
I got some 30 cents payout (at least I know the program is real)
I'll be getting a new number
and I can get the old car now it's fixed! (the job should be completed by now)

Charm

2008-02-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

I want to be your good luck charm
the amulet you keep in your breast pocket
or the one you hang around your neck
so I will always be near to your heart
when you need a little miracle

Depression

2008-02-21T12:40:00.002+08:00

Today I finally have the guts to search on this: Physical symptoms of depression. And that was only to show someone that depression does come with physical symptoms.

I Googled on the topic and found a lot of links to it. I clicked on one of the top ten pages and read. Yup. I have those signs in me.

So here I am declaring that I have clinical depression symptoms and I might need some medical help sooner or later. I don't have a private doctor. In case of emergency please submit me to the nearest medical center near you and please tell the doctor I am just depressed. Ask him/her to do a medical checkup on me, give me some medication and let me sleep for a while and I'll be fine. Thank you.

Now where the heck can I find the money to pay the bills?

P/s - Charlie, thanks for noticing it a lot earlier.

Thank You

2008-02-21T03:04:00.001+08:00

This special thank you goes to a special person:

Thank you for being my past.
Thank you for being my future.
You were, you are and you will always be my present.
Thank you.

Depression?

2008-02-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

Stuffy chest. Is that a sign of depression?

I woke up at 10 this morning with a pain in my chest. Plus the sleepy feeling I had from the three hour sleep. I decided to continue sleeping. Forget the idea of meeting the Senior that could help me with my Final Year Project. Bl**p it.

I woke up at 2 p.m. I remembered waking up a few hours before that; I ignored everything and went back to sleep. I sat down in front of the computer, fingers running on the keyboard and on the touch pad and sometimes on my phone. A while later I went to the shower and the day went on like usual.

The night came and I decided to take my evening shower early. But the pain visited me again. I dumped the idea. I lazed around for a few while. I texted my *lalala...*; he was worried. He asked me if I am depressed.

Depressed? Heck. It does feel like I'm breathing in a place with very thin air. And I do sense some loss of appetite. But I am not depressed. I'm totally normal. It only happened once in a while.

I don't need a visit to the doctor. Thank you very much for your concern. Send me to the hospital ONLY when you see I'm dying of it.

I need some chocolate.

Reserving Frustration for Some Other Time

2008-02-02T05:16:00.000+08:00

I registered myself for a Liberty Reserve account. I thought it might be useful someday. Yeah, someday. I noticed some site that are accepting Liberty Reserve as a method of payment. So I thought, why not? It's free anyway.

I went through the hassle of confirming my e-mail address quite simply. Fill the e-mail address in the respective boxes, click "Submit" and wait for the Activation Code. Check e-mail, get the Activation Code, copy and paste the code into the box, click "Next". It's a no-brainer.

I was taken to the next page where I filled all the needed particulars. Account name, password, PIN, name, address, etc. Again, no-brainer. But time consuming. Especially the PIN; you have to key in the number using the virtual keys. The touch pad seemed like wanting to see me scream in frustration. The cursor ran around the screen the way it wanted, not the way i wanted it to. Done. Click "Agree".

And nothing happened. I was taken back to the page where I needed to fill my e-mail address and Activation Code. Repeat steps. Click "Next". Go to the next page. Fill in the particulars. Click "Agree".

Nothing happened.

Repeat steps. Blah blah blah. "Agree".

Nothing happened.

Repeat steps. No more checking e-mail for Activation Code. I had it carved in my mind. Enter Activation Code. Blah blah blah. "Agree".

Nothing happened.

Repeat steps for a few more times and that took me another day. And still, nothing happened.

And finally the imaginary light bulb began to flicker and fully light up a few moments later. And that was after some 50 hours of agony of filling the form (think of the frustration of Sisyphus).

Time to temporarily abandon my favourite browser, Firefox. Back to the Dark Age of Internet browsing, the Internet Explorer.

I repeated the painful process of filling the boxes with the appropriate information. Blah blah blah. "Next". Blah blah blah. "Agree".

The status bar showed some progress. I crossed my finger, wishing that it will work this time.

Much to my expectation, something did happen. Another page appeared with my account number and other details displayed in image format. I wrote down the numbers and saved a copy of the image (you are required to do so as none of the information will be sent by e-mail).

OK, so it finally happened. Registration completed. I tested my new account by logging in using Firefox. Well, it worked well. They should put some notice saying that registration doesn't work well with Firefox. Hurmm...

Then again, it happened to me when I tried to sign up for the Tune Card.

I'm wondering here. Do these people create the site without taking into accounts what people claim about Firefox (safer, faster, blah blah blah)? Or to they just stick to the ol' IE because they don't think that Firefox has THAT many users? Or because they feel it is simpler to just optimise the site for IE.

Whatever. I consider myself lucky I didn't throw away IE completely. Some stuff are better done the ~~good~~ ol' way.

Story of the French Fries

2008-02-02T04:35:00.000+08:00

I stumbled upon a blog. Seems like it has been abandoned for some time. And I mean a long time. But it doesn't matter. This particular entry stirred something in me.

Well, I guess this is just one of the moments where I enjoy thinking of what others has been writing about. More thinking of others', and less writing of my own.

Cotton Candy Cloud

2008-01-30T07:28:00.000+08:00

"He said he is falling for you."

What else can be sweeter than that? Especially when it came from the ex-girlfriend who called you a bl**p once. Because we were into the same guy. (She won. Well, that's another story.)

Oh. Maybe there is one.

"Why don't you just be his girlfriend?"

Yeah. From the ex-girlfriend herself.

Odd Jobs

2008-01-21T17:59:00.000+08:00

I'm working on yet another odd job. I need money to pay for my meals. Plus some other stuff.

This morning MJ woke me up from my four-hour sleep with a question: Do I want a job giving out flyers and get paid for it? Sure! I'm broke. I'll do practically everything for some bucks. So I took a shower, went to the girl who was supposed to do that job (yeah, I'm a replacement) and before I fully gain my senses back I was there on the road giving out the purple coloured papers to other students. And I wore purple coloured T-shirt too.

Well, this is not the first time I do odd jobs to supplement my pocket money. I can't boast myself for having some experiences working in F & B fields or sales departments. Working part time while I'm here in the College would mean wasting more money than what I can really gain. Who would want to pay some twenty to forty bucks for a four bucks per hour job everyday?

My job experiences as a student includes:

Selling some stuff from catalogue in school
Working as a dish washer at my Dad's restaurant after school
Selling prepaid coupons in the Pre-U College
Selling prepaid coupons in College but someone stole my money (first year in College)
Co-writing a storyline for a friend but he was cheated so we didn't get any money for that *sob*
Helping some friends selling stuff at their food stall (second year)
Updating a web portal and working on the PCs in the lab
Keeping the key of a car and get some 10% of the rental fees (third year)
Selling some T-shirts
Selling food from room to room, block to block almost everyday for some bucks (fourth year)
Promoting prepaid mobile starter packs (in purple T-shirt)

Only one really fits the description of a "job". That was when I was working on the web portal and PCs. I went to work from nine to five (and sometimes more) for some three and a half bucks per hour, paid three and a half bucks per day for the room and some few more bucks per meal, twice per day and only got half of the paycheck. It was a bl**ping sad story.

Well, I'll do anything for money. No. Almost anything.

And two more days to go as a girl in the purple T-shirt.

Poison

2008-01-18T00:22:00.000+08:00

I am becoming more and more like the person I hate. Person? Persons? I don't know that anymore. I don't know myself anymore.

I hate myself for that. Hate? I LOATHE my bl**ping self for that. Here's what I think is happening:

For every minute I spend hating someone, I am actually wasting myself slowly absorbing the toxic essences of him/her, making me turning slowly into that person. And it is exactly like the toxics in the air that I breathe and the water that is the key to my survival. Like the unnatural chemical contents in the food I eat. They are eating me slowly without me realising it. Like a cancer slowly growing from some nano particle into a tennis-ball sized tumour or growth that I only realised when it is too late. Way too late.

It might seems like illogical to most people. But that's the only reasonable thoughts I could think of as I pondered over this thing.

Slowly absorbing the poisonous essences of the others - the qualities I hate in them - I am poisoning my own self. As if I don't have enough of my own poisons to kill me from the inside.

This is not just a teenage movie complex like in the Mean Girls. It happened and is still happening to me. Unfortunately I don't have the script in my life's movie that tells me when the scene of the main character realising that she was wrong redeem her life by changing back into her old self and win the charming guy in the movie. No director to yell "Cut!" and no clapboard to end the bad scene when I'm tired of playing it.

Did I try hard enough to stop this thing from happening? Maybe not hard enough. In fact I just snapped at the person who tried hard to drag me out of the mess. I guess it is like I just threw the life jacket away when someone tried to save me from drowning. And I can't swim!

I'm turning into my own enemy. How ironic is life?

Religious Artifact?

2008-01-13T06:06:00.000+08:00

# Veteran Says:
January 6th, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Sunshine Says:

Holy Shit!!……

Ummm, what type of religious artifact is that?

I was reading my once favourite blog, Waiter Rant. Well, I guess it still is! I abandoned my addiction to it when the Waiter quit his crappy job and concentrated on his book. Things were pretty boring when he was not in the kitchen. Well, he's back! I don't know when he started to jump into the wagon of waiting again, so I guess that means more digging to do! Yay!

As usual I read the comment section. And as usual he get lots of hits and people always praise him for his good posts and some are sharing their own pieces. Then I came across the comment. I thought it was an original, I just have to put it here.

It's good to know that he's back in the business. This time as a new guy. It seemed like the place is better than the last time he became the new guy at the other place (and so he quit the job and I quit reading the blog).

*****

To AKAB, thanks for indirectly reminding me that sometimes even you have the writer's block. Maybe it's just that time of the year. I couldn't write about anything now. I found some interesting stuff and wrote only a tiny bit of them and now they are resting in the Draft section. And those that managed to rise to the surface and get published are the crappy short entries. So I decided to take it easy and write only when I feel like I can do it.

Note to AKAB: I think you should take a break too. Read Waiter Rant. The world is not just about you, you and you only. There are also the Yuppies.

TMPP

2008-01-10T21:25:00.000+08:00

I have this idea going on in my head for the past few days. Well, it actually managed to resurface out of the clutters in my mind since i stashed it away a couple of months ago. Now the idea keeps on popping out of nowhere, displaying the rough sketches of what might possibly be done.

I am going to start working on it probably in a short while. It will be my FTP (free time project) for now. Well, it's not like I really have tons of free time this semester, so the progress will be very slow. Very, very slow.

For the time being I will have it referred to as TMPP. I have started some search on finding the best Wiki hosting service. If I couldn't find anything I guess I'll just stick with WetPaint. I was thinking of JotSpot, but it is currently closed for new registration when Google acquired it. I hope it will be opened A.S.A.P so I can take a look at what it can offer me.

Money Money Money!

2008-01-05T20:07:00.000+08:00

Oh, Lord! Forgive me for I have sinned. For I have sold my soul for money.

Yeah! I am going to get the Tune Card and Nate offered to pay the deposit for me. Fifty bucks. Fifty free bucks I must say. I did insist on paying, since I only wanted to find someone who could do fund transfer so I can skip the hassle of going to the bank or post office to pay.

Now I have found someone to do the payment for me, it is just a matter of time before I pick the card up at the post office. Hello Visa. And PayPal, wait for me!

Oh... First I'll need to wait for my ID before I can proceed.

1 Year Old

2008-01-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to all... My baby is now one year old.

Let's look at what the blog has been in its first year of life. Hmm... I took blogging as a hobby. The main reason it exists is because Queenie thought it would be fun. We both wrote together. And I thought I was going to quit soon after my first post.

Someone commented about my baby being too shallow, filled with all the crappy dramas of my *lalala...* and so I quit writing about it for a while.

I was also assigned as a contributor for My Endless Story. A wiki site. It was somewhat funny. The owner actually quit managing the page not long after she published it. Maybe I was the only one who actually check on it once in a while. It was a total flop. Probably she had the "posting fever" hitting her when she started the whole thing. Maybe it was some kind of peer pressure, seeing people around her owning and managing blogs and posting interesting stuff for people to see.

I don't write much on breaks. Life is pretty much boring when you are not in the school/school-like environment. I practically fill my time at home sleeping. That is one very strong reason why I don't write much on breaks.

I still have some drafts in my posting list. I don't know when I can have all of them posted. But I don't find it necessary. There are tons of new things waiting. Who cares about the past?

Oh. And now I am announcing the arrival of my other baby. Not in English, not filled with stories of my *lalala...* and not pink. And not a Blogspot. Already filled with occasional posts. Usually written when I find things annoying. It is still evolving.

The Pot Posts

2007-12-29T03:05:00.000+08:00

Maybe some of you are wondering about the pot posts before. Well, they are just some reminders that some comments are better kept for oneself, especially when you are exactly like the person you are commenting about. Or perhaps even worse.

Some people need some reflecting to do.

Me? I do mine when people are not looking.

I'm Back!!!

2007-12-28T04:29:00.000+08:00

I'm back and I'm stronger than before.

No, I don't grow muscles over the past few weeks. I am still the same fat girl.

A message that came way too late actually hit me hard on my head. It was from a stranger in my Multiply, but it knocked the sense out of me. Something so true, I wondered why I didn't see it before.

"I did have wonderful times with my *lalala...* and my friends....I am happy with my circle of friends who love me now." --so what is the tears for?

why do we always get haunted by the ugly memories and forget the beautiful one's?

If only I know the mantra long before I had the past haunting me every now and then, I think I would have saved a lot of time and energy I had spent on dealing with the pain. New year is approaching and I have something good to hold on to if the past pays me more visits in the future.

Now, where is the scale when I need one? I need to monitor my weight.

Newsflash

2007-12-21T14:18:00.000+08:00

I still have some drafts waiting to be posted.

More updates when I come back to the College.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (II)

2007-12-21T14:14:00.000+08:00

Pot: Whoaa... You're so dark and dirty.

Kettle: Duh! That's your own reflection on my shiny body.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (I)

2007-12-21T14:04:00.000+08:00

Pot: You're younger than me, and yet, you're waaaaaaaaaay darker than me. Those people sure made you from cheap stuff; your body stains so easily. Haha!

Kettle: I'm born black. Duh!

Grow Up

2007-12-06T13:44:00.000+08:00

I watch my Brother grow up from a little brat to a teenage brat. He doesn't really grow up, unless if you consider cursing a lot and watch pornography as adult things, thus made him a grown-up.

And I also see his former girlfriend grow up. She was a sweet girl. And still is. She used to ask a lot from me, trying to get second opinions in life. She was a growing kid and I, as a big sister to her, tried my best to help her avoid unnecessary clutters in life. I hope I was helping her enough back then. I don't want to ruin some kid's life with wrong opinions of mine.

I came across her page a couple of months ago, and she still remember me. And she has a new boyfriend. At 15, she sure is a very pretty girl and she can easily win a college guy's heart if she wants to. Sounds like some teenage love novel, huh? We have been in touch through Myspace since then.

She apologised to me for not being my Brother's girlfriend at the current time. Duh! Like I really expect her to last long with my Brother until they finish high school. There's no chemistry, I guess. They shouldn't force themselves to stay in the relationship if they don't feel like it. Plus, they are only kids!

Looking at them made me wonder. They grow up so fast. Far different from me. I am still a kid after two decades of living. And according to some sources, I am even more childish now I am older. And struggling to get out of the cocoon. And people are urging me. I need to grow up! Fast!

Now, let me see what really is going on here. I don't have boyfriend until after I reach the legal age. These kids, they already have sweethearts right after they hit puberty. And actually even before they hit puberty. Well, other kids my age too have had puppy loves and real sweethearts in their entire school years. I blame that on my super nerdy self back then in school. Even my bookworm/athletic/afraid-(and/or)-shy-of-girls *lalala...* had puppy loves in high school and long-term girlfriend when he graduated high school.

Me? I was a rough tomboy who played rough enough but don't play sports. A bookworm with the tendency to skip PE classes to read books. The nerd who spent a lot of time in front of the TV and surf the Internet almost the entire night, chatting with guys and girls way older than me. Approximately 10 years older. Social life? Zero. A total loser.

I grow up carrying both visible and invisible responsibilities. I worked hard in my childhood years trying to accomplish a lot of things to please my parents. They used to have very high expectations on me. I need to shine more and more everytime just to make them happy. And I was aware of what adult life would look like. A lot of works, financial controls, the need to jump high enough when you're in the middle of the crowd just to that people will notice you among the sea of people. Unlike Paris who grew up doing things she wanted to do and deal with the adult stuff when the time comes.

And these kids. And like other kids my age back then. They spend their childhood with things enjoyed by kids. Freedom with little worries of the adult life. Please only people you want to please, with options not to please anybody at all. Enjoying what kids do best. Exploring new things, satisfying curiosity, ask lots of questions and keep only half of it in mind and the rest stashed at the back of your mind. Having lots of friends and good times together. And deal with the adult life later when it comes knocking at your door.

I missed the whole point of being a kid. And I consider myself half lucky for the second chance for a brief period while some people are entering the adulthood and some are still enjoying whatever is left by their teenage spirit.

My point: There is no point in rushing a kid into being a grown up. Underachieving kids can always do better in later life if they have positive and satisfying childhood (even for the most rebellious kids). And if they are willing to work hard for it. Putting the pressure of being an adult won't help in long term.

Now, if only I could turn back time...

Ask Who?

2007-12-06T00:40:00.000+08:00

OK, so this is a very bad inside joke.

I was surfing the Net, opening tons of pages simultaneously on my multiple windows of Mozilla Firefox (yes, I open a few windows of Firefox plus tens of tabs per window), when I landed on this old web portal that used to be my main portal.

I scanned for new contents but I found nothing special. And at the bottom of the page was a small box; a search box actually, with multiple engines to choose from. Some of the engine are some stuff from my past, I wondered if people still use them. Some names were acquired by Yahoo! if I remember well. Or at least the web hosting services were acquired by Yahoo!, but I'm not quite sure about the engines.

Oh, well. One of the names made me chuckled. Ask Jeeves. A stupid remark came across my mind spontaneously.

Ask Jeeva.

I'm sorry, it really is a bad joke. I didn't mean to joke about it. It happened spontaneously. Seriously. And there is no racial prejudice intended.

Jeeva is a classmate of mine. And Mary Jane's. Four years of being in the same class and he often get our name mixed up. He can never remember to match our names with our faces correctly. Even when we were at the Graduation Ceremony. But it became a nature to us, we just let him name us whatever names he wanted to give us. No point of reminding him of who's who. And people can rarely understand him when he speaks.

And that made me wonder what will happen if there exists an Ask Jeeva.

I'm Sorry

2007-12-04T16:30:00.000+08:00

The past week had been somewhat rough. I had a lot of things going on and practically everything I planned went bummed and I had very little rest. I lay down with my eyes shut but my mind ran around for some few distance before it finally felt tired and let me sleep. And I was pissed off on some issues.

I also blamed my mood swings on my hormones. The ups and downs made my mood swings uncontrollably, making me a true monster for the whole week. This is not right. You're doing this wrong. That is unacceptable.

I was grumpy, angry, and even less friendly than what I already am. The stress had forced the monster inside me to lend me a hand, and it had taken me over completely. Most of the time I was quiet, isolating myself from people around me.

At times when I had bits of energy left in the morning, I would be the normal me. And when the good bits of me were all used up, I rely a lot on the monster to keep me going through the day. And what a monster I became most of the time.

The changes had somewhat affected my social life badly. And yes, I noticed a lot of changes going on the whole time. I became an anti-social. It was pretty OK, considering that I really needed some space for myself. Or was it bad? I don't know how things works anymore: Was it things are going badly so I need some space for myself, or I need some space so I behaved badly so people will give me that space? Or was I feeling bad and I didn't want to let everything out on other people, I behaved badly so they will avoid me?

Now I had my head cleared and things going on pretty smoothly. And I feel a whole lot better now. But what's done is done and I can't reverse anything to make up for the whole bad things I have done. So all I can say now is sorry for my bad behaviour and my bad image for the past week.

Newsflash

2007-11-15T17:50:00.001+08:00

Nothing much. I just thought that it is time to put some labels on the posts to sort them out. You can avoid yourself from reading the posts you don't like. Or find posts you like.

We are Crazy People (I)

2007-11-15T14:21:00.001+08:00

It has been long since the last time I wrote about the ups and downs of my relationship with my *lalala...*. Guess what, people? We are still standing strong.

It has been a crazy week, or I should say a crazy month. Or maybe a crazy semester. And definitely a crazy year. The numbers of ups and downs has been stably on the low level for months this year with some occasional arguments followed by kiss (not literally)-and-make ups. Oh, yeah, most of the time we are on the 'downs' of the relationship.

For the past couple of months things are going better than I expected. I mean, things go really well for the past few week; I would have regret the whole idea of forgetting him and starting anew with some stranger-turn-friend-but-still-a-stranger-in-many-ways. Make that twice.

This week alone my *lalala...* and I had lots of things going on. Mostly because he is jealous knowing that I hang out around boys a lot. And in some cases with no girls accompanying me. And he is especially jealous knowing that I go out with this particular guy. I admit that I go out with that guy, but with reasonable reasons. And I'm not flirting with anybody. I wish he could understand that.

Just last night we had some bizarre situations. One moment we were texting happily, and the next we had this fight. And it was no ordinary fight. He revealed the skeletons I tried to forget in my closet, and he also revealed his. All this while I thought he accepted me for what I am, and last night he shocked me with the truth. He is somewhat tired of pretending that nothing bad has ever happened to me. I was disturbed by it. But I was also glad he let it out before things become more and more complicated for the both of us. As if our relationship is not complicated enough.

It's good to know that we both wanted to forget about the whole thing fast - and forever. Two hours are long enough to leave a big bad scar on our relationship; and we were glad it was over. We jumped back onto the happy track, trying to forget what had happened a moment before. I'm glad he fell for me - and forgave me - easily last night. Waking up with an ache in your heart and your head is not good, especially for him. Oh, did I tell you he's having his final exam paper today? And the argument we had messed with his head for a while (I truly regret that part).

We are two crazy people in a crazy relationship. There are more bumpy roads ahead of us. Maybe last night's incident was only one of the smallest one in store for us. Oh, well. We'll see how far we can go. Wish us luck.

Stupid Girls

2007-11-13T02:31:00.000+08:00

Some stupid girls made some mess in the room where we hang our laundry to dry. The room is already messy with the wet floor. And those stupid girls added more mess by throwing flour onto the wet floor.

Those egoístas estúpidas should have clean the mess up before they left. They are only making other people's life difficult (yes, I'm exaggerating when I use the word "life") and they are only making people hate them more.

Stupid. Selfish. Clean up! You created the mess. You should know what to do next.

I hope I can catch those bl**ps and bath them in sticky flour mixture. Food fight sounds so good, but I won't waste good food on those bl**ps. Better have a feast of good food and throw them the leftovers than letting them have the good food and us left with the leftovers.

Whatever. The girls should know their responsibilities. Stupid bl**ps.

Home (I)

2007-11-09T16:39:00.000+08:00

I didn't plan of going home this weekend. But I did. Who could resist a free ticket? Hehe...

After finishing my tasks of picking up my digital camera and delivering a white paper-wrapped passports I went home, exhausted by the whole journey. I barely get any rest in the bus and I walked as quickly as I could to get my digital camera just a few minutes before the store closed.

My energy drained and I couldn't imagine myself walking a couple of kilometers home from the train station, so I called home and Paris came to pick me up.

On the way home she asked me if I knew about Dad's flight date. Mom told me Dad and my Bro will fly on December 7. Paris was planning of letting her boyfriend's sister staying in our house for a while.

Paris told me something about her. She is a married woman with two kids and a once rich husband who was tricked by his best friend/business partner and lost some half a million bucks. And she is into another rich guy who just gave her a diamond necklace and heart-shaped chocolates and a card that said, "Thanks for agreeing to be my wife." And she was thinking of splitting with her husband. Divorce.

I am actually sick of hearing her story. She's stupid and ignorant and a bl**p. No matter how many people have told her that what she is doing is not right she still feels that "it is the matter of the heart" and won't take anyone's word. So why the hell did she ask for advice from people then? And she always want people to be on her side when clearly she was on the wrong side and people were trying to get her out of that.

Paris is inviting her for a stay just so she could console her and make her forget that rich guy. Probably they'll go somewhere having fun or anything. I hope by that time I can get myself a part-time job and I don't have to stay at home listening to any of this.

Matter of the heart. Bullshit. Everybody knows she only wants the guy's money. And everything happens right when her husband lost the half million bucks. She can always like a rich guy when her husband was still rich (she got tons of guys trying to get her before this) then why is the matter of the heart only matters when her husband is now almost broke because of the loss?

It isn't the matter of the heart. It is the matter of the wallet.

That Voice

2007-11-08T03:24:00.000+08:00

I am calling Charlie to wake him up as I'm writing this post, and the previous one too. He requested a wake up call at 3 a.m., and I have been dialling over and over again.

And I'm getting tired of this.

I'm tired of listening to the woman's voice answering his.

"Sorry, please try later."

*****

I'm still dialling. Over and over again. The curse of Sisyphus.

Going Home

2007-11-08T03:06:00.000+08:00

I'm going home in a few hours. At no cost.

OK, maybe a little. I'm going to need some money to go home from the bus station. But I sure have saved a lot of money this time.

I have a free ticket home, thanks to AJ. One thing though. I need to deliver some documents or something to his mom. I agreed. Come on, how hard it could be to deliver something like that? I'll be at the station and his mom will get the documents delivered and I'll be heading to the LYP to get my camera back.

Now I don't have to find extra cash for the ticket home. Just the camera. I saved some $ 17 there. A trip to LYP and home.

I'm gonna ask Dad if he can give me the old car once I get my hands on my driving license. The car needs to be fixed. I'm not ashamed of driving an old car. I just don't want to drive a broken one.

And a new pair of shoes. Hehe...

London Bridge is Falling Down

2007-11-07T13:30:00.000+08:00

I just found out that Ex #1 and Belle has broken up for like a month. And he is now seeing another girl. And all this while I thought that they were going to make it till the end.

And he has started smoking again since I don't know when. There goes all my efforts of keeping him away from the ciggies back then when I was with him. Right down the drain. It was not easy to make someone who was nicknamed "The Dragon" to stop.

Whatever. I don't know if he's not happy with the new girl. According to Belle, she has been controlling him to a certain degree. Maybe the girl feels insecure or jealous. Or maybe she's a psycho. Haha... Maybe he deserves a bit of what he's getting now. Belle said he was more miserable than he already did the last time she saw him.

I hope he'll be happy with the new girl. I'm over with the past that has been haunting me for the past years. And I hope Belle is happy with her life too. She'll find someone far better than him.

Ti Amerò

2007-11-06T02:31:00.000+08:00

Ti Amerò
by Il Divo

La notte scivola sul mondo
Che si addormenterà
E la luna vestirà d'argento
Il mare e le città
E tu mi mancherai
Più ancora
Quanto non lo sai

Continuerò a credere che
Siamo un'anima, io e te
E ti amerò comunque, lo so
Anche se non sei con me
Io ti amerò

Ti porterò con me nel sole
Nei sogni che farò
Ruberò i colori del mattino
E un cielo limpido
Su cui dipingerò il tuo viso
E sorriderò

Continuerò a credere che
Siamo un'anima, io e te
E ti amerò comunque, lo so
Anche se non sei con me

Mi manchi più che mai stasera
Quanto non lo sai...

English Translation

I Will Love You

The night is sliding on the world
that will fall asleep.
And the moon will dress in silver
The sea and the sky.
And I will miss you,
Even more
You don't even know.

I will keep believing that
we are one soul, you and I,
And I will love you even though, I know,
you are not with me,
I will love you.

I will bring you with me into the sun,
In the dreams I'll dream.
I'll take the morning colors
And a clean sky,
On it I'll paint your face
And I will smile.

I will keep believing that
we are one soul, you and I,
And I will love you even though, I know,
you are not with me.

I miss you more then ever tonight,
And you don't even know...

******

At times I will be overwhelmed by some sort of emotion that leaves me wanting the rest of the world to shut up and leave me alone. And the only sound I want to hear is one song and one song only. Usually I will pick a song of heartbreak or something that reflects sad feelings. And right now I am listening to this song.

I don't understand a word they sing, and yet, I could sense the sad story behind it. A search over the Internet brought me to the translations (I found several versions and I even tried to translate it using online translators).

A song that I will listen to over and over again for a few days. A song that helps me through the pain I just experienced. A song that is wrapping me like bubbles, building thick walls around me. A song that isolating me from the world. A song that pierces me through the heart and yet stops the bleeding and pain I'm about to feel.

Exactly what I need at this moment.

I felt the pain again just now. The pain that left me sleepless a lot of nights before. The pain that left me crying a lot of times before. The pain that left me grasping for air while I'm sitting still. The pain that left me lying down, crouching. The pain that left me wanting my *lalala...* by my side, because he has the cure.

Most of the time I would call him, seeking for comfort from his voice. And he will always give what I need. And the pain will slowly disappear and I will sleep and forget about the pain.

The pain I felt came at the wrong moment today. The moment when I can't reach my *lalala...* for his warmth. But the song saved me. At least for a while. I have a lot of reasons to listen to it. And maybe I'll give it to him. Something that he wouldn't understand. Something that won't force the guilty feelings he might have over me. Something he won't say sorry for.

Writing History

2007-11-04T16:19:00.000+08:00

Tonight we are going to be in the history of the College. We are going to record the College's Anthem. The new one. The one that is fresh. The one that is different from the version sung by the Staff.

Who are we? Well, practically the members of the Club. The one that has gone through a lot of changes since it was first made. Some are new members though. And most of us are going to leave the College soon, and this will be something we can be proud of. Come on, your voice is going to be preserved in the College's history and people will always need to refer to it for years to come. Isn't that great? And even if the Big People come up with a better version later, this is going to be the first officially and professionally recorded College's Anthem.

Well, the recording was scheduled to be on last Thursday but the studio encountered with some problems and they have to pick another day to do it. I was planning of coming home this weekend. I'm glad I didn't. Or else I would miss the whole thing. And boy, wouldn't that be sad?

About an hour and a half before I can eat anything. But I guess my dinner will have to wait. Maybe I'll have a cup of hot chocolate or something. Maybe some hot tea and some soup and bread. I need the calories. I need the energy.

Two hours plus before we are going to step onto the College's van that will drive us to the place. We're going to be in the College's history. Yeah!!!

Not Working

2007-11-04T11:52:00.000+08:00

The phone is not working. It made me frustrated before, because of the stupid slow-loading memory. I often get troubles of replying messages just because I lost the carrier's network connection for like a second and had to wait for the phone to do whatever it is doing (I wonder why the phone kind of get restarted when the connection is lost) and stop displaying the message "Message storage memory not ready," and then I can use the phone. Urghh!

Last night I had worse. The phone applications would not load no matter what I do. Sad, because I depend a lot on the messaging features, and now I'm stuck with a phone that can hardly do anything. Maybe I can make a call or two if it's urgent. But that too will depend on my luck. I couldn't get the keys to work properly for me.

Solution: The phone must be sent to a shop to be checked and fixed. The phone is still under warranty, I guess. I only had it for like four months or so. But unfortunately the phone was bought somewhere in the Middle Eastern country, and I live in a South Asian country.

I'll have the phone fixed soon. I don't think I can last long without it. Now, where can I get the money from? *sigh*

Luck

2007-11-01T14:59:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in luck?

Me? Seriously I would admit that I don't know whether to believe it or not. I mean, come on. You can't rely on luck alone. Most of the time it won't work.

I had a chat with Queenie last night, while we were having our cups of yoghurt. I told her about my *lalala...*, and how he was treated unfairly by his friends. He asked some of them to put his name on the lists of interview candidates (there were two places seeking for interns) and they only put his on one. How unfair! And should I mention that the place they didn't put his name on was the bigger one?

The hypothesis I came up with was: The friends feared that he would get the place and they would have to make do with what is left for them. On the other hand, if I want to think positively, I would come up with this: They forgot to put his name on the other list. That's better than they totally forgot to put his on both.

It's hard to believe that they would do something like the first hypothesis. I knew some of them before I knew my *lalala...*, and although I don't know who are the ones responsible for this, it is still hard form me to believe.

Whatever reasons they have, I just want them to reconsider luck as a factor. Yes, my *lalala...* get good grades most of the time, but he always have tough luck on his side. He is one guy I know to have most of his life being unlucky.

Queenie and I had a talk on luck. Like me, she also doesn't know whether to believe in luck. But I can say that we are more on the luckier side, compared to my *lalala...*. At times, we don't have to put much effort on something to get it worked well. And at times, we don't even have to do anything at all!

Putting myself in my *lalala...*'s shoes, I felt the anger and sadness. And he was doing his best not to keep it from hurting him from inside, and hurting his friendship as well.

I felt great having a short chat with Queenie. Just the two of us. Some things are not to be talked when others are around. But sometimes I think I burden people a lot when I talk about something to someone. Maybe I should keep them to myself next time.

Washing

2007-10-27T02:59:00.000+08:00

I was washing the dishes when I remembered the time when Paris was blabbing about Dad, on how she had to buy a lot of stuff using her own money and Dad never actually spend anything for the home.

She went on babbling about the almost empty bottle of liquid dishwasher. The liquid could only last a few washes, maybe a couple of cups and some not-heavily-stained plates, and the forks and spoons in the sink, waiting to be washed. The pans and pots might have to wait.

She went on and on, from one thing to another, wasting her energy complaining about everything while her hands grabbing the bottle and squirting the content onto a sponge. She washed her used cup while I waited for my turn - without her stopping even for a second on pouring her thoughts out loudly.

She finished her babbling when she was done with the washing. She turned off the tap and put her cup back on the dish rack.

I took the sponge to wash my coffee mug and the dishes left in the sink. And there was no more liquid dishwasher left for me. And no foam left on the sponge.

And she was complaining about the liquid dishwasher!

God, I hate her! She should have use just a little of it. But she squirted all of the remaining liquid to was her bl**ping cup and left none for the remaining dishes. If she let me wash them first I could have wash every plates, cups, spoons and forks in the sink and still leave some for her to bathe the bl**ping cup with bubbles.

My experience living in hostels for so long really paid off. The dishes got bubble bath too - with the bubbles coming from the teaspoon of detergent powder I dissolved in a small bowl of water. That should do the cleaning job well.

Back to reality, I was in the hostel, with some oily dishes to wash, and some paste dishwasher. God, I really am lucky to be here, with no one to complain about some stupid dishwasher for some time that sounds like forever. Even if we run out of the paste, we will always be cool with washing dishes with detergents.

Paris should learn about adapting.

And shut the bl**p up!

Book

2007-10-22T19:59:00.000+08:00

Someone has inspired me to continue reading. Me? Reading? The girls will laugh at me. I haven't touch a book seriously for like years. The last one would be right before I left home to come to this boring College.

Come to think again, I used to be the bookworm in my class. Anyone would admit that I was never seen without a book most of the time. I skipped PE classes just to read books or do my homeworks. No homeworks at home. That was my principle.

I spent a lot of time on reading materials, especially novels back then in school. I used to dig the old cupboard at Grandma's house for some treasure. Mostly books. Old novels with yellow pages and old paper smell. A couple of decades old. Some were bought when I wasn't even born yet. I would spend the afternoon with a book while my cousins were out somewhere. And the little ones would sit near me waiting for me to finish my reading and play with them. I would usually comply and spend some time playing with them until they get tired and don't feel like bugging me for some time.

A few years living without lifting a book and actually reading it would sound weird for some people who were so used to my habit. Some family members actually noticed that. Now I carry some Sudoku books around. No more thick books of texts. Only numbers.

Yeah, I noticed on how slow I read now. I couldn't even finish a 200-page book in a month. God! What is happening to me? I need to get my old self back! The one who used to read a lot. The one who used to read something heavy enough for young adults at the age of puberty. And I'm not talking about Mills and Boons.

Now, this someone has inspired me to go back to the old habit of reading. So I need good books and a lot of time and very little distraction so I can really enjoy reading. Any recommendations?

Phobia

2007-10-21T10:20:00.000+08:00

I thought it was already over. I did turn a new leaf. I did have wonderful times with my *lalala...* and my friends. They were all great. And they still are.

I never thought of waking up with a heavy load on my chest, pinning me down to the cold floor, refusing the force I give to sit down and breathe properly. I can only cry.

Sad to realise that for almost two years I was able to forget what has happened to me, only to be haunted by the memories of the past when I am happy with my circle of friends who love me now.

Who can forget when someone said to you, "I should've rape you before I dump you."

For days I have been haunted by the memories. But this morning, waken up by it, I don't know what else I can do. I'm done with crying. I need to forget.

I did forgive him, didn't I?

Somebody please rip my heart out so I won't feel this pain again. Ever.

Apple

2007-09-18T13:17:00.000+08:00

I was late for class. But some people went in a few minutes later than me. Can I say that I am lucky?

The class was bl**ping boring. He already finished his lectures last month! What else does he want in the class? Other than keeping track of our projects' progress. And having one on Tuesday and another one on Wednesday until the end of the semester? Reporting on how much we have progressed from yesterday? Dude, what was that?

Anyway, he wasted our time talking about how billionaires are made. (Almost) overnight success of YouTube and some other companies. Hey, are we learning Multimedia Application Development here or what? He didn't even teach us the very basics of the tools we are supposed to use in developing our projects! And he only talks about businesses for as long as I can remember (I previously took two different classes with him, Web Application Development and Business and Entrepreneur Development and I failed my WAD).

Whatever. He mentioned something about Microsoft. How Microsoft is easily identified with computer. And how Apple is not similarly recognised by the majority of people here. Microsoft equals to computer. Computer equals to Microsoft.

His words on Microsoft and Apple reminded me of one person and one person only. AKAB. And one word. Tembam. OK, make that two. Chubby. Wait. Three. My mind automatically generated his expected response. Pipit. I even dropped my phone accidentally while I was trying to finish my Sudoku game and listening to what he was checking on my phone every now and then for reply. Talk about multitasking.

I was very relieved when the class ended. Heck. Who would want to stay in that class for more than half an hour? It was a total waste of time. Now I'm back in my room wasting time in my own way. What a bliss.

Hell Yeah!

2007-09-18T05:48:00.000+08:00

Hell yeah! SDN is up and running again.

I was totally in the dark when I logged on to the Internet a few days ago to read SDN and found the black blank page. I was about to rant about it but I had no time for blogs lately, I had to keep the thought away. And my friends who also read SDN said that AKAB posted something on blogging and Ramadan. What was that again? Not writing for the whole month? Or what?

Whatever. But does he have to delete the whole archive? Dude, at least leave me something to read! I always missed reading the old stuff just because I had little time to spend on blogs of any kind at times. I need to spend my time on my studies (yeah, right!) and I go out a lot lately (so true, so stop it!) and I still couldn't find the right time to do the laundry. *sigh*

Hell. SDN is back. That should be enough. I can get some dose of whatever Hell is offering.

Now, why am I using the word "Hell" so much? Hmm...

Obvious

2007-09-18T02:59:00.001+08:00

My *lalala...* equals to Charlie. Is it that obvious?

Everybody keep on pinning the identity of my *lalala...* to this poor guy named Charlie. Simply because I "look really happy" when I am with him.

I wonder which part of any of my posts ever mentioned that I laugh and smile a lot when I am with my *lalala...*. All I can remember is I never spend a few hours with him without shedding any tears.

And yet, people claimed to see me in my happiest state when I am with Charlie. So Charlie is my *lalala...*.

I miss those days when we can simply claim "Yeah, we're a couple now," and laugh about it. Now those words will only lead to more "evident" of the secrecy of our real relationship. And it will surely cause us more trouble. Especially me. I don't need a raging girlfriend attacking me, bombarding me with tons of accusations and foul words. No thanks. I've had enough.

Yoshi mentioned about how happy I was walking with Charlie at the bazaar in the College, I practically ignored the existence of other people, especially him (Yoshi). Really? Now, how happy was I? I would love to know. Because I think Charlie is feeling the opposite. Like I would rather spend my time with someone else and not him.

Mom is also sniffing around for some gossips of her mysterious daughter. I have been keeping a lot of secrets from her, especially anything to do with my friends and my love life. I go out with guys more often than girls. And Mom is trying to figure out who my real boyfriend is. And Mom is putting her bet on Charlie. I think simply because she had seen him once. Seeing my friends from afar once is actually a rare case. Most of my friends are just some "friends" without any name or face. Just "friends". And catching a glimpse of Charlie from across the busy road looks like victory to Mom.

Sorry, Mom. I don't have one (officially) right now. You will have to wait longer before I will bring one home and introduce him to you.

For the time being I will let the mystery of *lalala...* remain unanswered. The time will come when the secret will reveal itself without me telling anything to anyone.

Shh...

I Love You

2007-09-01T18:25:00.002+08:00

I would give you everything
just so you would listen to me
when I say I love you
but I don't expect you
to return the same three words to me
when your heart is empty.

Together...

2007-08-31T04:50:00.000+08:00

... virtually.

I was engaged in a long conversation with my *lalala...*, starting from the moment he was in the car for a trip home (at about 9 p.m.) until just now.

We started texting, from the usual "Where are you?" to the more private stuff. We texted and texted and texted. And I let him know how much I missed him without saying so.

And he let me knew that he missed me too. Without saying so.

Now, wait. Was he really missing me? Or was it just lust that was driving him?

We texted each other - tons of them. And ended with some phone calls until we both run low on credits (he ran out of his).

It has been long since the last time we had that kind of conversation. I thought he didn't miss me at all.

It was great.

It felt like sex.

Home

2007-08-30T18:00:00.000+08:00

I am now at home. And I don't feel happy about it.

I just spent my whole day sleeping in my room. 12 hour plus of sleep. There goes my one whole day.

Hello Night. I will be spending the rest of the hours with you.

Most people I know have their own plan for tonight. Celebrating Independence Day with friends. Going out enjoying night life. Going out with their girls.

And I am stuck at home. Alone.

Now, where are those guys when I need them?

Wake Up Call

2007-08-29T02:33:00.000+08:00

I am playing the song Wake Up Call by Maroon 5 over and over again. It is piercing my heart. Yet I can't stop listening to it.

I am feeling the pain I used to feel back then. The kind of pain that wakes me up every now and then from my sleep.

I need some air. It hurts so much I can't breathe.

Remember when you calmed me down with your words? And made everything seemed OK? And I can breathe again, feeling like I was lifted from the brim of Death back into the world.

I miss you damn badly.

I need you now.

Help me.

Please.

I'll Have It Done. Later...

2007-08-28T01:34:00.000+08:00

Some people asked me why I don't write in my own Mother Tongue.

Am I not proud of my own language? Duh! If you know me well, you'll know that I am one of the people who prefers communicating in my own language. Especially in English classes. Hehe... And joking around with a bunch of guys in English in Mother Tongue classes. Hehe...

Am I proud of my own self? My proficiency in English? Double duh! I am not that proficient to write in English. I still, from time to time, refer to the dictionary for lots of things. I am currently attached to the red Macmillan English Dictionary For Advanced Learners International Student Edition. No, I don't have a copy of English - Mother Tongue dictionary with me. Go find someone else.

What makes me write in English? Simply because some things are easier written in English rather than in Mother Tongue. Most things are simpler that way.

And this is the medium where I can practice my rusting English. Heck. I can't converse in English very well. I need to polish my written English so well it shines very brightly. I need to write tons of resumés for my Industrial Training programme next semester. I need to write tons of resumés to secure me a job later.

Am I not going to write in my Mother Tongue? Who says so? I have lots of things to write about. Unfinished novel (I dropped the idea of writing it since I was 15). Some comments and ideas I can only write in the language. I am now concentrating more on the latter.

Some things can't be written in English just because most of the narrow-minded people prefers arguing in Mother Tongue.

Probably because they never bother to learn English to an acceptable level where they can understand others and reply with appropriate answers.

And probably because some things can only be explained in my Mother Tongue.

Because we are so unique. In so many ways.

P/s - I read Macmillan Dictionary for fun, especially when I am really bored and nothing else could kill the boredom. Fun, and educational.

P/p/s - I was thinking of writing a blog in Mother Tongue. I'm still searching for a host for my alter ego. Because I am shallow and I'm a bikini babe (yeah, right!), and a shallow bikini babe (yeah, right!) can't have opinions.

P/p/p/s - I need to undergo series of slimming treatment to remove the excessive fat and cellulite. And dye my hair blonde so I can be a Brainless Blonde Bikini Bimbo (4B). Or 6B (Brainless Blonde Bikini Bimbo with Big Boobs). I prefer the 4B (which also can be read as Brainless Bimbo with Big Boobs, or many other variations you can come up with).

P/p/p/p/s - Yeah! All hail 4Bs. Long live 4Bs.

It's All About the Money

2007-08-27T18:55:00.000+08:00

I slept with a terrible headache and my skin itching all over. I put on the cream prescribed by the Doctor. I didn't even read the label. Whatever. I'm itching and I need something, fast.

Anyway, I went into a deep sleep with my teddy, Jay cuddled and my pillows and mini bolster in place. And some laundry I just taken from the line, waiting to be folded, pushed to the end of the bed.

And I woke up with everything in its proper place - not on the floor.

My Roomies are sitting for a test tonight. They, plus another girl, are busy discussing. Papers on the floor and they were chit chatting. They are still discussing, only drifted away once in a while, probably because they need some break. I don't know when they started the discussion.

I choose to ignore what they are talking about. Most of the time I hear they are explaining to each other what is what and how is what. And memorising formulaes and... I'm lost.

I was replying the texts on my cellphone when I my ears caught something. Someone is asking for presents from someone. I managed to process a bit of here and there of the conversation.

A: So you want a PDA phone?
X: I asked for baju raya (new clothes for Eid).
A: That cheap? Get a new phone!
X: I ask for cheaper stuff, so I can ask for more.
A: Hey, 200 is cheap. He surely have some 200 to spend. Duh!

Well, I wasn't eavesdropping. That was pretty much what I heard.

I had my mind running for a while. Is 200 that cheap?

For people who can afford to pay some 200 bucks on not-so-important stuff, yes. 200 is cheap.

But I lived my whole life saving my pocket money for my own stuff. Back then in school I only had one buck per day per school days. I never worked a single day of my life except for a very brief period washing dishes at a small restaurant at night for 20 bucks per night. My money came from the empty stomach. Magazines, T-shirts, books. Practically everything came from days of skipping lunches at school. And people wondered where the hell did I get the money from.

I grow money tree.

Anyway, hearing those comments made my heart stopped for a while. Boy, they sure are lucky people. Getting a guy to buy you stuff.

Isn't that what guys supposed to do to their girls? Be their money machine or something?

Well, unfortunately my *lalala...* is not rich. And so did my other exes. I was/am/will be either tied to a poor guy or a cheapskate. And usually a guy who has another girl in line. I'm the second.

Guess I need a new guy. A new rich guy. Or guys. Or a Sugar Daddy.

Now, where can I get some of those?

P/s - I need at least some 100 bucks for my phone. And another 300 on food. And maybe some 200 on clothes during a sale. And another 100 on whatever I might buy without putting any thoughts on. Allowances quoted are on monthly basis. And some 500 bucks on three pairs of sneakers per year (at least).

So...?

2007-08-27T09:20:00.000+08:00

So I permed my hair. And so you permed your hair. So what?

I don't understand this I-don't-want-us-to-have-the-same-look identity crisis she is having. Quit yupping about it, will you?

I'm talking about my sister, Paris. She is yupping about me having my hair curled, and said she needed to straighten her hair and wasted some 200 bucks (for the perm) just because I am notoriously known as the rebel, the one who wanted to be different from the others.

She spotted my new do from the pictures I uploaded just a few hours ago on my various networking accounts: MySpace, Tagged, Hi5, Ringo, Multiply. And a dear friend uploaded my picture with curly hair on Friendster. I don't know which picture she was looking at. And those pictures were taken a month ago.

Duh! If you don't want to be seen sporting the same hairstyle as mine please do so. But never say that you have to comply with me because I don't want to be like you or anyone else.

And please don't tell me how much things costs. I don't ask you to straighten your hair back and wasted your money on both curling and straightening process. If you do, don't blame me.

I don't give a bl**p what you are doing/going to do with your money and/or hair. Just keep my name out of "I did this because..." please.

I am losing my curls fast. Not that I'm saying that the place where I had my perms dome was bad. It was a good place. And a cheap one. And I love it because my hair smelled pretty sweet (fruity) right after the perming job was done and I can walk around the Mall not worrying a bit about the 'salon smell'. And yeah, I only spend some 70 bucks on my hair (plus the front fringe straightened flat). So, is it the salon's fault my hair is losing the curls fast?

Nope. If I must, I would say that my hair is from the stubborn type, just like me. My hair needs simple care for as long as I can remember. I switch shampoo frequently and use cheap shampoos and people will still say my hair is easy to manage. Duh! Blame it to stubbornness. It refuses/resists to changes pretty well.

I really think that she shouldn't waste her money on straightening her hair just to be different. It will be a huge waste of money. My hair will be back to its normal state (straight) in some few months. In a few weeks what will be left of the perms are just some very loose waves - the type of curls you get from rolling your hair with some rollers without adding chemicals and will wash off with water. THAT type of waves.

If she decided to have her hair straightened, all I want to say is "STUPID!!!"

There. That makes me feel better.

Junks

2007-08-26T20:57:00.000+08:00

Heck! My Friendster and MySpace accounts (plus some few others) and my Yahoo! Mail (and soon to join the group - my Gmail) are now full of junks.

My MySpace account is full of invitation of whatever. Never mind. I can always ignore those. And spams and spammers are continuously being deleted. Great. And no "Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw:" messages too.

My Friendster accounts are full of forwarded messages. Dude! Please! The "Friendster is closing" message is not real! Stop forwarding it to me! And people forwarding texts ended with "Forward this to friends or you'll have bad lucks" or "Forward this to your friends and people who reply are really your friends" or whatever. Bullshit. You don't post junks to your friends. And I am happier to delete you and end this virtual friendship than bombarding other people's inboxes and claim the title of "your friend".

And I also hate people spreading messages ended with the Prophet's words, "Spread my words..." or "Spread this, and God may bless you with his rewards..." or something similar. Dude, are you spreading the messages because you find it true/useful or are you expecting rewards for doing it?

I haven't check my Yahoo! account for some times now. Heck. I hate my sister's hobby more than the newsletters and spams more. She keeps on forwarding stuff to me and expect me to spend a lot of time reading them (or downloading the clips or songs) and give her some respond. Hell no!

And she started to forward those junks to my Gmail account, knowing that I check the account frequently. Yuck! I use the account because I hate her junks, OK? At least she stopped when I told her to. *sigh* She's scarier than those spammers.

So, people. Stop asking whether I have read your messages on Myspace or Friendster. I spend little time on those, thanks to the junks. I have my cellphone and my IMs. Do message me if you want to know whether I'm still alive or not. Or check my blog for news. Consider me dead if I don't post anymore (but please text me if you really want to know whether I'm still alive).

Hell is Hot

2007-08-25T18:34:00.000+08:00

Hell yeah!!! I'm sooooooooooooo excited.

I just went back from the beach. Sun burnt. Ouch! And I'm tired.

But guess what? The guy from hell himself dropped me a comment. Yeah!!!

So I'm not pretty/hot/sexy. And I missed the chance to buy his T-shirt and meet him. So there is no way I'm gonna meet him or he knowing my existence. But hey, he dropped a comment on my crappy blog! ~~I'm more than satisfied.~~ Now I know I'm gonna be satisfied if I can get my hands on his next T-shirt.

So who is this guy from hell?

AKAB.

And why am I so excited about this?

Simply because I'm a fan of his blog.

His blog?

Yeah. I don't know him. I haven't met him yet. I might have reasons to hate him later. But I love his blog.

AKAB, you just lightened up my overly brightened, sun burnt day.

Newsflash

2007-08-22T11:30:00.000+08:00

Just a short post. I posted some of my drafts. Completed (finally!) so if you browse through the archive you will notice some posts that seemed like they never existed before. I am trying to post short stuff instead of long ones. Some people told me that I write too much. Heh :P

Last month's archive. Hmm... A lot of things happened last month, but not everything can be recorded here. Some things are better forgotten. Some are still waiting to be finished. Haha...

Note to some people (I think you know who you are and I think you know what I am talking about): I am trying. Help me, please.

Note to some other people (I don't think you're reading, but who knows?): Thanks for offering me a soft cushion to fall onto. Catch me then.

Gotcha and Don't Cha

2007-08-22T06:54:00.000+08:00

Hitz.fm never fails to entertain me. Those people are so cool. And the Morning Crew usually brightens my day even before the sun does. Evil pranks on Gotcha and silly jokes and remarks.

Today they played the wrong recording of Gotcha. The glitch was fixed after a song. Today's Gotcha was about a girl who feel flattered over the compliments by some random guy who claimed that he and his bunch of friends drooled over her at a party. He even mentioned about the dress she wore. They flirted and he asked her out. She agreed. She even denied having a boyfriend when asked. Then the boyfriend butted in and accused her of cheating. BTW, they were dating for 3 months. The girl had some explanation to do. Haha. She shouldn't flirt the first place.

JJ and Rudy also sang their own version of Don't Cha. It was damn hilarious. Don't cha wish you boyfriend was hot like me. Don't cha wish your boyfriend has more money. And that was just the chorus. The whole song is silly and funny.

Now, anyone has the song recorded? I really want that one. Then again, any copy of their songs would be great (I only have their version of Tokyo Drift: Fast and Furious).

Rum?

2007-08-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

I finally found something that can banish my crazy crave - Rum Raisin (RR) ice cream. I bought a tub for myself. A rectangular tub filled with 1 litre (500 g) ice cream. And I bought a tub of yogurt specially for the ice cream. I need the spoon.

I ate the ice cream almost immediately after paying for the stuff I had in my hands. After a long failed search, who wouldn't? Plus, the Residence doesn't allow the students to keep electrical appliances (except for some little stuff). We don't have mini bar. And I don't enjoy melted ice cream.

I dipped the small plastic spoon into the ice cream and dig out a small portion of the smooth texture. "Yummy," was my first thought.

Wait a second. The ice cream tasted weird in my mouth. I tried to remember the last time I had the ice cream. Last year. Urghh... I couldn't recall the taste of it. Then again, I had it mixed with another flavour.

I texted Shark, telling him about the ice cream. I told him about my ice cream crave a lot earlier, and he sounded like "You wouldn't want to eat that. Again. Ever."

As expected.

Me: I'm having RR. Yay! Finally...
Him: Good for you.
Me: Yeah, but it tasted a bit weird.
Him: Told ya. It contains rum. And you know what rum is?
Me: Yeah, I know. But this one does not contain rum. It contains whey powder. And yeah, rum is derived from whey. I know that. This is not rum.
Him: I know the smell and taste of rum, OK. Both cold and frozen.
Me: Yeah, but this is not rum!
Him: Come on. I know what the thing is. It's rum. My friend worked at Baskin Robbins.
Me: This is not BR's R & R. It's Cremo's. And it is not rum.
Him: OK, whatever.

Peter and MJ who also had a taste of the ice cream told me something similar. They said it smelled like alcohol. And left an aftertaste pretty much like alcohol.

I checked the container a few times. Yeah, it was not rum. I checked on it even before buying it. I checked for the date. Nothing suspicious. Hmm...

Assuring myself was pretty easy. Assuring other people was hard. They didn't question much. But they didn't continue eating either.

Comments?

Note to myself: BR's RR didn't taste weird they way I remember it. And that was like 10 years ago.

Laws

2007-08-20T08:58:00.000+08:00

Reading this makes me laugh. True.

Note to possible foreigners: You have to understand the political scene of my Beloved Country to get that joke.

I Hate Sleeping

2007-08-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

I hate sleeping. Sleeping actually shaves me off of my precious time living in this world when I can really do something better than sleeping.

OK, so I lied about the shaving me off of my precious time. I only hate that part when I run out of time and I fall for a quick 5-minute doze when I really can make use of the time.

I hate sleeping when I have people with no spare time (people I love and care about only) need me to do something important. Or not very important, but since they are very busy, time is a critical factor.

I often missed messages and calls from Charlie. And usually when he got some specific time slot for me squeezed in his very busy schedule. His time for me is almost always affected by the weather, his healh level, the availability of a mode of transportation and bla bla bla. Meeting him even for a few minutes is actually hard. At some points even almost impossible. And that doesn't count my availability to comply to his scheduled time.

So, whenever possible I will always put him on top of my list of priority. Most of the time I will say no only when I have a group discussion to attend to. Weather and health level factor will usually be discarded.

But I often failed to see him when he needed whatever important stuff of his that he left in my possession. Or something he asked me to buy. I often failed to meet him and give his stuff, or worse, when he needed some time off from whatever problem his girlfriend or his stress factor is causing him. ~~She is his main stress factor.~~

I missed my meeting-with-Charlie-to-hand-him-his-stuff time slot again because I was sleeping. He texted me twice, and called me 5 times. FIVE TIMES!!!

I hate it when it happened. I hate sleeping.

Now that it messed my brain up (because I hate waking up to know how I hate sleeping very much) I am now feeling some sort of dizziness creeping up into my head. I think I need some more sleep.

On another note, yeah, it happened quite a number of times when my ex-boyfriends decided to leave me. Only I was actually physically awake at those moments. And I only finally woke up when they texted me saying everything was over for us both.

History Revisited

2007-08-15T05:01:00.000+08:00

For whatever reasons, I am beginning to feel like the kid I used to be.

*****

Some people (yes, you. I know you're reading) are now mentioning Yoshi's name on a frequent basis within my hearing. Followed by some giggles.

Now, I'm not the type of girl who will get mad over tiny things like that. Sooner or later they (yes, you. I know you're reading) will stop. I hope it will end sooner rather than later.

The act of denying the whole thing will only drain me more, and on a quicker rate. I need every bit of my energy now. I will need to seek the patience I had back then in school. Unfortunately I don't have any mantra I can chant every now and then to block the voices and giggles. *sigh*

I guess I just have to play the game along with them. Maybe then they (yes, you. I know you're reading) will tone down the whole Yoshi thing on me.

At least this is no more worse than the one I had back then in school. Maybe I can say it's a whole lot better than in school. Being paired up with a total nerd I can't keep myself near for more than 5 seconds for whatever reasons is even worse than what I am experiencing now. Hey, I used to be the nerd in school, but that guy is a nerd a few degrees higher than me. I can't stand him. Having my friends (that's what they called themselves) pairing his name up with mine in front of him was a nightmare. And it evolved into a more terrible nightmare - the guy seemed like he was trying to spend more time talking to me, when all he can talk about were nothing more than brain-pinching educational matters.

Or was it just me? Whatever.

Now the history is repeating itself. But in a better version. Lucky me (yeah, right!). At least the guy is not someone I can't stand at all. And the people (yeah, you. I know you're still reading) say sorry when they think they went overboard with this whole me-and-Yoshi thing.

I need to concentrate on conserving my energies for more useful thing. La la la...

On a different note, Yoshi resembles some bunch of friends I have: spending some years in the town I was born (but not bred) in, plays basketball and chess. Kinda reminds me of Alex who were invited to join the rugby team when he was rejected from joining the Chess Club back then in Junior College.

Photomosaic

2007-08-15T04:18:00.000+08:00

I found an interesting site while searching for freewares that might work for my Multimedia assignment and project. Needless to say, I found lots of junks, some cool stuff and lots of sharewares that will definitely burn my whole pocket (too many holes!).

Anyway, while I was browsing for the stuff I found one software that claimed to be able to generate photomosaic. "Cool!" was my first thought.

Photomosaic is a photo made of combination of many smaller photos. Tons of them.

My multimedia project. Hmm... I dunno. Maybe I can include this stuff, but the Lecturer would expect something like a video, not a photomosaic. Photomosaic can't include text and sound, the elements we need to include in the project.

I downloaded the software. I found a link to a forum where the people were discussing on having a photomosaic contest. The dates? Back in 2005. Whoaa... I guess I'm way too late in discovering this thing.

Whatever. The example given led me to the very cool stuff I think you should give a look at. Here it is. Zoom in and wait for the images to be fully loaded.

Note: Be patient.

Project

2007-08-14T19:04:00.000+08:00

I am still stuck with the Multimedia assignment I have to submit by the end of next week. Individual project. I have to get my brain working very hard. Huhu~

A 3-minute clip. Now, how hard could that be? Just shoot a video and put some text and voilà!

Wrong! (Background sound: buzzer)

I need to come up with a project that utilises various types of media in the video. And the project must comply with one of the themes (can I really count them as themes?) provided by the Lecturer.

Hell.

And there's a group project waiting.

Double hell.

Revealed

2007-08-12T07:01:00.000+08:00

Is this news coming out too fast? Or the previous post came too late? Or what?

The guy I wrote about in the previous post, Crush, just confessed that he liked me. And that is not what shocking me.

He confessed that he liked me since we were in the First Year. And now we are in the Fourth.

I think he finally had the guts to spill the thing out when I told him that keeping everything inside might cause him to lose something that is right in front of him. Right advice, wrong time and situation. I was actually relating to my experience of losing AK, and also the story on Nina and Peter.

OK, maybe it also has something to do with the texts I put on the Skype. The "status". He had been replying to the status with texts that didn't reveal anything, but I kept on pushing. Only later we talked about the whole "keeping everything inside" and "losing the chance" thing.

He later texted me on my phone, confessing his feelings.

So, the question is answered, and I can proudly say that I can trust my instinct and I am not just some girl who thinks that the guy must like her because that's what guys always do.

OK, so what are the hints he has been dropping me since the first day we went out together? Let me see... Hmm...

He followed me instead of his friends at the hypermarket when we split to get our stuff.
He always sits in front of me when we are having meals, even though he has already pulled the chair opposing Kiddo (a friend of ours) when we are sitting at a 2-by-2 table.
He walks very closely to me most of the time I can remember.
He always stands between me and Kiddo.
When we were at the beach we (the three of us) lay down on the beach and took some pictures of ourselves and later he didn't even bother to move a few inches away from me (I take it as a sign that he really wished that we could be that close).
We took pictures of our shoes (three pairs) lined up, sitting very close is expected, but he didn't move after we finished taking the pictures (another strong sign?).
We were lying on the beach after taking pictures (I don't remember which). I didn't budge a bit from my position, and so was he. When we sat up we were in a position that would make people see as if he was touching my back. Or almost. That close. And he stayed put and not moving. And I couldn't enjoy watching the night sky lying down again, or else I'll be lying on his hand/arm because it was right behind me.

Pretty bold moves from a pretty shy guy. Considering that he is not a player, I don't think he would be comfortable sitting very close to a girl like me, even on a normal friendship basis. So I can safely assume that he likes me. And I was right! But I didn't expect that it started a whole lot earlier on.

I still can't believe he kept the whole thing for years. Three years. I wondered what will happen if he didn't let it out today.

Crush

2007-08-11T16:21:00.001+08:00

I think someone is having a crush on me.

You can say that I am being self-centered, thinking that the world revolves around me and every guy in this world loves me. I am the I-am-the-most-beautiful-princess-every-guy-will-beg-on-his-knees-to-date-me type of girl. Whatever.

I think the guy (I'll name him Yoshi) is dropping me tiny hints since the first time I went out with him (plus another guy or two). Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am not. I can trust my hunch most of the time especially when guys make the whole I-like-you-and-want-to-get-close-to-you-and-know-you-better thing obvious. I was right about my *lalala...* although I could extract a confession from him only after about a year and a half.

Back to this guy. Hmm... The signs Yoshi showed were pretty obvious. But I am not uncomfortable with it. He didn't invade my personal space. Well, actually I am pretty comfortable being around him. That's great. I hate people invading my personal space, making me feel creepy and scared and had to run away when they started to say "I like you". Yuck.

The biggest sign the guy showed was the text on his Skype, what we usually call as the "status". His text was actually a reply to mine. I noticed it.

My text was only something that reflects what I really feel about my relationship with my *lalala...*, because from my point-of-view, he was being cold towards me.

I don't think Yoshi knew the situation between me and my *lalala...*, as we are being half-attached. Not in a relationship, and not in a "not in a relationship". Complicated stuff, if I can give it a name.

I hope Yoshi won't expect much of anything from me now. I am not ready to let my *lalala...* go. Not yet. He still loves me like before, and I still love him like always. He shows me the warmth and love I need when I am at my lowest point, and that really helps me get through the coldness I thought I saw in him.

Expecting a guy to "lets just be friends for now" and "maybe later we can develop a more serious relationship" is not easy. Most of the guys I know take this as a form of rejection. Yet, many tried harder. Sorry. You're getting creepy. Get out of my sight.

Well, lets just see when will the mystery revealed itself. I am so bl**ping sure that my hunch is right - he really likes me.

Affected? Infected?

2007-08-08T00:48:00.002+08:00

A few days ago Queenie screamed and/or listened to music to counter the sound I made when I laugh. I let out a special laugh for her, a laugh I successfully imitate from some annoying characters in some anime we both watched. Another roommate who shares the same name with me also imitated the laughing. We were amused by it.

For her, it is painfully annoying.

Just a few minutes ago Queenie came to my place. My ears were fully covered with the pair of Philips stereo headphones I owned since last semester. I was reading a blog of a self-acclaimed anarchist, also known as a conformist but not a rebel. The headphones were attached to my MP3 player, specially hung at the top of my locker to enable the FM signal captured by the FM radio function. Various kinds of songs went through my ears, but my mind didn't do anything to capture the words. Most of them I recalled by heart, glued through continuous exposure to them.

Queenie let out a sound I heard somewhat familiar to what I made from the previous night. I turned to her, taking the headphones off partly.

She was grinning.

"Infected."

She let another high-pitched laugh she used to hate. I guess it is just a matter of time before the laugh can be deemed as our official laugh.

As I am writing this post, Queenie is in her bed trying to sleep. She just let another laugh just now. I guess it is pretty addictive.

Stupid Acts - Part 3

2007-07-25T07:54:00.000+08:00

Guess now.

Guess what?

Shark really is stupid when he bought the recipe.

I have nothing against his action of buying the recipe for such a high price. He told me, "It's not about wasting the money, it's about winning the heart." I had to agree with him with that. Poor rich desperado.

Buying something plain for such a high price for some reason, and people will forgive you. But wasting it on someone who doesn't have a clue on what is going on is really a waste.

I am not blaming Nina for not appreciating what he is doing to win her heart. If it was not a request from Nina, I don't think Shark will spend a huge amount of money on that ojingeo deopbap. I doubt that he will spend the same amount, or perhaps even a fraction of of it, for someone he doesn't have any interest in.

A few days after the long lectures of "the recipe is a total waste," the real thing hit him really hard on the head. He told Nina that he had learned how to cook the ojingeo deopbap that she wished to have, and he also had the recipe tested, just so he can cook a better meal for her later. Yup. He cooked for her.

It later turned out that the "Nina" who was asking for the ojingeo deopbap was not really Nina. Someone else was using her notebook at the moment, and she played around, thinking that it was funny. Duh! You don't mess around with people you don't know, pretending to be the person that person really want to talk to, especially when it involves the hearts. Especially when that person is expecting a positive response for what he did for the person he likes.

Huhu~ I think I'm going way overboard with this.

Anyway, for Shark to spend his money for something Nina didn't request, but was actually requested by someone else, and not being serious about it. Some 400 bucks was burnt for nothing. The moment I heard about it, I really wished that he would give me a huge plush doggy, or a teddy, or something.

He sounded tortured enough by the fact, giving him more mental torture won't give me any pleasure anymore. Somehow I pitied him.

I don't know what Nina really say about the incident. And I don't know whether Nina wanted to give the ojingeo deopbap a try, after what happened. But I asked him to cook some for me. I hope that made him feel a bit better. At least someone is willing to eat some Korean "sambal sotong" he made.

Lessons learned - never buy a recipe that costs so much. And make sure that the person requesting is really the person you expect a positive respond from and not some impostor. And the money wasted is better spent on a huge plush doggy for me. Grr...

Stupid Acts - Part 2

2007-07-20T06:40:00.000+08:00

How stupid is stupid?

How stupid will a guy become to win a girl's heart?

Well, Shark has done what I can say as the most stupidest thing to pave a way to Nina's heart. Note that I am using the extreme superlative (the phrase most stupidest doesn't exist, I use it only to emphasize on how stupidity can go beyond what is considered as a normal superlative).

So, how stupid is this Shark guy?

He got his mind working backwards by not using what is considered a must-know of the technology/digital world that there is even a word coined from the act of using it (and people are using it excessively!) - the big blue G. Give applause to... *drum roll* ...Google.

He searched for a recipe - ojingeo deopbap. He said Nina requested for the meal, but she gave him the wrong spelling. He wasted a couple of hours searching for something that doesn't exist. His last resort - a tourism website (or something similar) offering a list of Korean food and the recipes. Out of desperation, he jumped into the silliness of buying the recipe without even giving a thought of searching for free recipes based on the name he found on the website. A few clicks later some USD 119 disappeared from his possession.

Ojingeo deopbap - stir fry calamari on rice. Or in his own words - "sambal sotong" (calamari in chilli paste). He seemed to regret his own action of buying the simple recipe, expecting it to be something grand, but turned out to be something so simple and not-so-fancy. He refused to reveal the actual price the first time I asked him.

Later he asked me how much does USD 119 actually costs. My rough calculation converted the value to be around 400 plus bucks local currency. God! This guy is really crazy! Only when I asked again he admitted feeling stupid for paying such a high price for the recipe, when a friend of him (one of my Seniors) found the recipe for free. He lied to Nina saying that it only costs him some USD 30. Urghh!!! That's still a huge amount of money for a recipe!

Later I managed to find the stupid recipe myself, just to satisfy the curiosity I had over this ojingeo deopbap thingy. I mean, what made it so expensive? I found some sites and blogs with pictures. It does look like some "sambal sotong" to me. I dropped Shark a huge chunk of rock, crushing him terribly when I copied the recipe I found (for free, of course!) and gave it to him.

His first reaction was a scream. In capital letters.

Our whole chat session was filled with babbling from Yours Truly, mentioning about how he had wasted a huge amount of money when he could have just get it for free and how he could actually spend the money for something more useful like a real Korean food treat at a real Korean restaurant. Or a big teddy bear. Or some jewellery. Or lots of chocolates. Or a phone call that lasts for hours. Well, the list is what I could think of of 400 bucks gift for a girl. OK, actually this is the list of what I wish I could have, if Shark really wish to waste some 400 bucks on a girl, and if the girl is actually me. Haha :P

It was a good session. Mental torture is proven to be a good way to unwind, especially when you are the torturer. Haha... I really wished I could brainwash this stupid guy. Yes, he has the money to buy that stupid recipe, but he could have spent them better on something else instead of that stupid thing!

Lessons learned - never spend too much on a recipe. Or buy that stupid thing anyway, but keep the facts away from me.

Stupid Acts - Part 1

2007-07-19T14:45:00.000+08:00

A guy friend of mine did a very stupid thing. Lets just call him Shark. He is in the process of courting this girl, Nina, a friend of mine. She keeps on rejecting him. I just wish she wouldn't keep on doing it. From my point of view, she is the type of girl who has her pride so high, she'll deny her own feelings just so she wouldn't feel embarrassed.

Nina already lost someone she really liked (my friend, Peter) to another friend of ours (my dear friend MJ). And Peter really liked her too! No, it's not MJ's fault. Peter waited for Nina for some time, and I can tell that it was long enough before he finally gave up and decided to be with MJ. Nina let out a bad storm when she knew about this. And that happened when she already had a boyfriend and she rejected Peter many times!

What I really wish I could say to Nina is I hope she will understand (sooner, rather than later) that if she keeps on denying her feelings and hopes that the person whom she really likes will wait for her forever, she is totally wrong. Sooner or later he will feel tired and he will give up. And usually when it happens, that is when she will let her ego down and will find herself broken once more because the guy has already found someone else.

Back to the story of Shark. He tried very hard to get her. I don't really know what really happened between them right now. Heck. I don't even know when they actually get to know each other and be in touch!

A short explanation of Yours Truly - Nina - MJ - Peter - Shark thing. Yours Truly and Nina were in the same lecture class in Pre-U College. Nina was very close to another friend, MJ's roommate during the first year. Yours Truly and MJ are classmates, and fate brought us together, only to know that we are linked in a lot of ways. Yours Truly and Nina were friends of Peter (back then when MJ didn't know Peter) and Nina and Peter had a crush on each other but Nina went out with another guy and left Peter waiting. Nina tried to pair up Yours Truly and Peter, but it didn't work. Yours Truly also had a crush on Peter (because he was being really nice, especially when I was dealing with a terrible break-up with Ex #1), but nothing really happened when we (Yours Truly and Peter) had this two-week trial period. Nina and Peter remained friends until Peter suddenly decided that he should just move on, so he chose to be with MJ (I still don't know how it actually happened. Even they don't know how it happened!) Nina was bl**ping shocked to learn that she lost Peter to MJ and so she avoided them for quite some time. She was sort of OK with MJ now, but she still holds some sort of something against Peter. Anger? I don't know.

Yours Truly and MJ are connected to Shark through some seniors of ours. We met when one of the seniors brought us to a beach. Nina was not in this circle until I we don't know when. Shark contacts us (Yours Truly and MJ) every now and then. Last week I found out that Shark also contacts Nina on a regular basis. That's weird since we don't know anything about them. Especially when Nina avoided us because of what happened between her, MJ and Peter. We assumed that they met at the Convocation when Shark went to the event to accompany our seniors.

Anyway, things are not really easy between Shark and us, the girls. The Senior who brought us to the beach liked Yours Truly very much (and according to Shark, he is still waiting until this post is written). But Yours Truly was freaked out by his mindless acts (up to the point of being a stalker who came to my house and talked with my Dad, and Dad made me see him. Yuck!) and Shark was the one who tried hard to help him. I usually let my guard down a bit after Shark assured me that nothing bad will happen to me. And Shark was very close to MJ from the day at the beach. He said he liked her. MJ and Peter never talk to each other at that time.

Recently Shark confessed that he actually liked Yours Truly and liking MJ was only an excuse he made because he didn't want to ruin the friendship between him and the Senior. He is a nice guy and Yours Truly have always fallen for the comfort he offers. But we decided to flirt only. No serious relationship other than friendship, because I am still attached to my *lalala...* and he respects that. And that is when he said something about being close to Nina. And that's the first time I have ever heard that from anyone. I thought I missed the news at some point, so I checked with the people I know but nobody knows anything. And both Nina and Shark weren't going to say anything about it.

I discussed about this Shark and Nina thing with MJ, since we are friends with them both. We especially know that Nina always deny her feelings until it is too late. Come on, Shark is clearly interested in her. I wish she would just accept him before it is too late. Yours Truly and Shark? We are flirting, of course, and everytime I asked about Nina he would say that Nina is refusing him, he would probably back off and move on. He still respects my relationship with my *lalala...*, and he is also not going to ruin his friendship with that particular Senior. He also assured me that nothing is going on between him and Nina, so we can just flirt like what we are doing now.

Nothing is wrong about this flirting thing, right? Well, wrong! If Nina is actually liking Shark, but waiting for something to make it really happen, I'll get totally fried if she discovered later that Shark and Yours Truly are having this silly kind of relationship, and especially if we are oing to have something serious afterwards. That will spell a total disaster.

I don't want to ruin my friendship with Nina with a stupid move like this, like what happened between her and MJ and Peter. But if anything were to happen between me and Shark, I hope that she won't hold any grudges against us. I don't want to be remembered as a backstabber who stole her guy.

Me and my *lalala...*? I still loves him, but I am trying to let things go so that when the time comes I won't be crying so badly like I did before. I want to be prepared for that. He is letting me go too, but at the same time he wished to keep me by his side. He would let me go if I choose to be with another guy, but I am not leaving him for another guy, especially now. It's a really complicated relationship.

Me and Shark? We are flirting, but no serious relationship for the time being. He said he will be with me when I need him, and he will make me smile. Something made me ask him a question.

"If I say I like you, will you wait for me?"

And he answered:

"I will, if you want me to."

It was a silly question. And I don't want to give him any kind of hope, waiting on empty/false promises when he deserves better. I didn't ask him to wait for me, and I don't know if he is going to wait for me. But he made me comfortable when he said that he will be with me if someday I come to him crying and I need some kind of comfort.

Another thing that made me feel glad is when he said that between girlfriend and friends, he will choose his friends. I don't know if it was just a false hope, but it would be good if I really can rely on him when I need a strong shoulder to lean on, even if he already has a girlfriend at that time.

My relationship with my *lalala...* now depends on how much he needs me. Maybe I'll leave him when he no longer needs me. And when I can leave him with someone, knowing that the person will take good care of him. I personally don't want to think of anything related to the idea of leaving him, but our relationship is getting to the edge where he might leave me for the GF, or for some other girls without me being ready to accept his decision well.

*****

I can only hope that none of us are going to make stupid acts that will ruin this whole relationship/friendship thing. It is already complicated now, and I hope that it won't get any worse. I guess we'll have to leave that to the Power That Be.

Not That Simple

2007-07-13T13:59:00.000+08:00

I accidentally activated my Caller Ringtones service that will charge me 3 bucks per month for some tones I really don't need. I don't need to entertain my callers with fancy tones. Nobody has ever complained about the boring 'toot-toot' sound so far. So why should I change now?

Anyway, I went back to my room and borrowed Queenie's notebook to access the Internet. I was expecting some kind of help or FAQs on the website explaining on how to deactivate the service. I always hated the slow-loading fully flash format of the website, especially with the slow Internet connection we are experiencing here in the College.

Clicking on the Caller Ringtones link redirected me to the Music Unlimited site, a site that is dedicated to music and music-related contents where you can subscribe to services and buy tones from the provider. The site will only show you how to subscribe, but not on how to unsubscribe. Yikes! That's bl**ping awful for a reputable service provider like this one.

I searched in every nook and cranny (if you can call the actions of clicking on every logical links I can think of as searching) but couldn't find any. Even the FAQs are useless. Mind you, I have tried the site dedicated for the Prepaid service, and I hava also tried the Main site.

Contacting my Brother is also useless. I thought he did subscribe to the service once, only to unsubscribe it later because he wondered on how his credits balance drained so quickly every month. Duh!

Anyway, I finally managed to unsubscribe the service thanks to my silly brain finally managed to think clearly and the guts of trying my luck with the Easy Menu function (that is not actually really easy because I have to go forth and back between menus to get into the right one). And I even have to use shortcuts (I gambled on the correct codes) just to shorten the whole key in number-wait for the next menu-key in another number-wait for the next menu-key in yet another number process.

I haven't figured out whether the service I had accidentally activated has really been activated before I finally get it deactivated, thus I don't know whether the provider has deducted the 3 bucks from my account or not. But at least now I know that I don't have to pay some 3 bucks per month without any reasons.

Now I need to figure out how to get my GPRS/MMS to function correctly.

P/s - The FAQs are bl**ping craps with only some of the sections updated properly, causing troubles and confusions in understanding what the provider really offers. The whole site is crappy. It's not helping at all.

No More?

2007-07-12T15:25:00.000+08:00

Queenie said that she is no longer interested in writing blog(s). I guess many others have jump off the wagon too. Or maybe they just pull over for a short rest. I hope everybody will start on writing again this sem. Life as a student is pretty interesting, especially if you're on the watcher's side.

Me? I'll keep on writing until I don't have anything to write about. But things have been interesting lately, so I guess I won't stop early.

P/s - If any of you think that this blog is no longer interesting, drop me a comment or shout at the box so I'll know.