Read

Somebody else read my blog. Other than the two who I knew. Yup. He found mine through a link from a friend's friend's blog.

I only figured that out when he said he read my blog. He asked if I had any, so I gave the link to mine. A few moments later he said he already read it. I was puzzled for a while. I thought he read my posts in my Multiply (these two are linked). Turned out he read THIS one, the one with pink background and all.

He was a friend I knew back then in my first year in College. Online buddy, with some few bunch of guys. And he is my former Roomie's classmate. I appreciate he appreciates my blog in English (my English is not good, OK, and I'm still learning). And yeah, we both love expressing stuff in English. The words are easier to flow out of the brain straight to the mouth. Or in this case, the fingers. Bl**pings are a lot easier in English, without the words sounding weird. Hehe...

He helped me choosing a profile picture. Yay! I was thinking of revamping my blog someday. It will still be pink. To keep my anonymity. Hehe... The picture is sort of a first step. I'll do more later. I did do some search on free Blogger templates on the Net, but I was thinking of putting my HTML skills to use. I'll figure it out later.

I guess it's an OK thing actually, letting other people reading what I write in here. Getting anonymous comments would be nice, especially if I have troubles over things or anything else.

Maybe I'll need a tracker. A counter or something.

Maybe not.

Jerk

I just realised what a jerk I was to my *lalala...*. Yup, I was a jerk. I only realised it when we talked. He had a test just now. Then we talked, like nothing had happened between us. But I was quiet most of the time. He knew what I was thinking about.

I had dinner with Charlie. We actually sat down and ate some meals together, not just some quick burgers. I was glad to see him. We didn't have a lot of time to sit and talk lately. We were both busy. We sat, talked a bit, and he went home.

I'm glad I still can talk and smile and laugh a bit in front of him, after this 'thing' with my *lalala...* the day before. I thought I was going to be all silent. I did show him some pictures from the dinner the night before. He didn't believe it was me in the pictures, with make-up and all. I snapped a couple of pictures of him. He looked cute, like a little child. I wondered how he looked like in his childhood.

I went to my room. I plopped down on the floor, my loyal computer was already waiting. It always is, I seldom turn it off. I need to take care of it better.

I chatted with the Queen. She was on Skype. I told her what a jerk I was, after skipping the day's class, sleeping some few hours and all. She said it was OK, it was normal to act like that. It wasn't. I felt guilty pushing him into choosing: me, or the GF.

I told her about my *lalala...*'s health condition. He had severe mysterious headache that had caused him to skip a whole school year back then when he was little. He had to stay in the hospital, a lot of blood drawn from him. He is now phobia with needles. He learned to cope with the pain through all these years. Whenever he is stressed, he will suffer a terrible pain, and so he will sleep to ease the pain. He did take Ponstan quite regularly, lying to the doctor what it was for. He's a sports guy, getting injured during training sessions or games is normal. The doctor usually believes him.

Another fact about the pain is it happens more frequently as he grows up. The gaps between the attacks (could it be considered as an attack?) gets shorter. Four years, three years, two years... And the pain gets more and more intense each time. We saw a pattern of it. What will happen when it reaches zero? He will be 23 when the time comes. Now he is 21, entering 22. We only have one year tp be together, pretending like everything is alright. What will happen when he reaches 23? After 23? Will he stay alive, or what? Will he even reach 23? We never want to think about it. But I often do. I don't know if he does. And I don't know if the GF knows about this.

I am always aware of his situation, but somehow I forgot all about it when he said he was thinking of getting back to the GF. I was being a jerk when I kept on asking about us.

The Queen was there to listen to my whine. Thanks. I truly appreciate that. She scolded me for not being aware of what I was doing to him, and I knew I was wrong. And she knew too why I kept on blaming myself for being selfish on this.

I am sorry. But I hadn't apologised to him yet.

To Queenie, thanks for being there for me. I know you have problems of your own, but you still spend some time for me. I can't thank you enough.

Bl**p!

I just got back from a dinner party. The whole thing was not really good.

My *lalala...* is texting me right now. The topic? The GF.

He asks me what if they get back together. What else can I say? Go ahead. Or is he expecting me to congrats her? To congrats them both?

No, he's not being mean. I know he's stuck between me and her. He was hurt. But she is suffering right now. If you ask me, I'll say it's her own fault.

He's feeling guilty for what is happening to her. Bl**p her. Yes, that's what I really want to say. Bl**p her.

I am being mean. I AM. I just don't want to lose him.

Back to the text. He asks me, if they are together, what about me? What? Should I say the truth? The truth that I have had this pain, like being stabbed in the heart (what he call heart-ache. Is it?) when he was still with the GF, when we are currently together (yes, now) and I will always live with that pain when they are once again united.

I think he knows me well enough. I think he knows that I am crying right now. But I pretended like everything is OK. So what if they are back together? Just be happy. Don't worry about me.

Bl**p what I said. He knows that I am hurt, that I am crying. I just don't know what will he do later. He knows I need him now. That's why he's being good enough, brave enough to ask me. He could just leave me or lie to me, pretending like I am still his girl, while his heart is filled with her, with their (new) relationship.

I hate faking myself. I hate being like this.

Somebody please rip my heart out.
Somebody please leave me to bleed.
Somebody please take my life.
Somebody please make him stay with me.
Somebody please...