The Pot Posts

Maybe some of you are wondering about the pot posts before. Well, they are just some reminders that some comments are better kept for oneself, especially when you are exactly like the person you are commenting about. Or perhaps even worse.

Some people need some reflecting to do.

Me? I do mine when people are not looking.

I'm Back!!!

I'm back and I'm stronger than before.

No, I don't grow muscles over the past few weeks. I am still the same fat girl.

A message that came way too late actually hit me hard on my head. It was from a stranger in my Multiply, but it knocked the sense out of me. Something so true, I wondered why I didn't see it before.

"I did have wonderful times with my *lalala...* and my friends....I am happy with my circle of friends who love me now." --so what is the tears for?

why do we always get haunted by the ugly memories and forget the beautiful one's?

If only I know the mantra long before I had the past haunting me every now and then, I think I would have saved a lot of time and energy I had spent on dealing with the pain. New year is approaching and I have something good to hold on to if the past pays me more visits in the future.

Now, where is the scale when I need one? I need to monitor my weight.

Newsflash

I still have some drafts waiting to be posted.

More updates when I come back to the College.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (II)

Pot: Whoaa... You're so dark and dirty.

Kettle: Duh! That's your own reflection on my shiny body.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (I)

Pot: You're younger than me, and yet, you're waaaaaaaaaay darker than me. Those people sure made you from cheap stuff; your body stains so easily. Haha!

Kettle: I'm born black. Duh!

Grow Up

I watch my Brother grow up from a little brat to a teenage brat. He doesn't really grow up, unless if you consider cursing a lot and watch pornography as adult things, thus made him a grown-up.

And I also see his former girlfriend grow up. She was a sweet girl. And still is. She used to ask a lot from me, trying to get second opinions in life. She was a growing kid and I, as a big sister to her, tried my best to help her avoid unnecessary clutters in life. I hope I was helping her enough back then. I don't want to ruin some kid's life with wrong opinions of mine.

I came across her page a couple of months ago, and she still remember me. And she has a new boyfriend. At 15, she sure is a very pretty girl and she can easily win a college guy's heart if she wants to. Sounds like some teenage love novel, huh? We have been in touch through Myspace since then.

She apologised to me for not being my Brother's girlfriend at the current time. Duh! Like I really expect her to last long with my Brother until they finish high school. There's no chemistry, I guess. They shouldn't force themselves to stay in the relationship if they don't feel like it. Plus, they are only kids!

Looking at them made me wonder. They grow up so fast. Far different from me. I am still a kid after two decades of living. And according to some sources, I am even more childish now I am older. And struggling to get out of the cocoon. And people are urging me. I need to grow up! Fast!

Now, let me see what really is going on here. I don't have boyfriend until after I reach the legal age. These kids, they already have sweethearts right after they hit puberty. And actually even before they hit puberty. Well, other kids my age too have had puppy loves and real sweethearts in their entire school years. I blame that on my super nerdy self back then in school. Even my bookworm/athletic/afraid-(and/or)-shy-of-girls *lalala...* had puppy loves in high school and long-term girlfriend when he graduated high school.

Me? I was a rough tomboy who played rough enough but don't play sports. A bookworm with the tendency to skip PE classes to read books. The nerd who spent a lot of time in front of the TV and surf the Internet almost the entire night, chatting with guys and girls way older than me. Approximately 10 years older. Social life? Zero. A total loser.

I grow up carrying both visible and invisible responsibilities. I worked hard in my childhood years trying to accomplish a lot of things to please my parents. They used to have very high expectations on me. I need to shine more and more everytime just to make them happy. And I was aware of what adult life would look like. A lot of works, financial controls, the need to jump high enough when you're in the middle of the crowd just to that people will notice you among the sea of people. Unlike Paris who grew up doing things she wanted to do and deal with the adult stuff when the time comes.

And these kids. And like other kids my age back then. They spend their childhood with things enjoyed by kids. Freedom with little worries of the adult life. Please only people you want to please, with options not to please anybody at all. Enjoying what kids do best. Exploring new things, satisfying curiosity, ask lots of questions and keep only half of it in mind and the rest stashed at the back of your mind. Having lots of friends and good times together. And deal with the adult life later when it comes knocking at your door.

I missed the whole point of being a kid. And I consider myself half lucky for the second chance for a brief period while some people are entering the adulthood and some are still enjoying whatever is left by their teenage spirit.

My point: There is no point in rushing a kid into being a grown up. Underachieving kids can always do better in later life if they have positive and satisfying childhood (even for the most rebellious kids). And if they are willing to work hard for it. Putting the pressure of being an adult won't help in long term.

Now, if only I could turn back time...

Ask Who?

OK, so this is a very bad inside joke.

I was surfing the Net, opening tons of pages simultaneously on my multiple windows of Mozilla Firefox (yes, I open a few windows of Firefox plus tens of tabs per window), when I landed on this old web portal that used to be my main portal.

I scanned for new contents but I found nothing special. And at the bottom of the page was a small box; a search box actually, with multiple engines to choose from. Some of the engine are some stuff from my past, I wondered if people still use them. Some names were acquired by Yahoo! if I remember well. Or at least the web hosting services were acquired by Yahoo!, but I'm not quite sure about the engines.

Oh, well. One of the names made me chuckled. Ask Jeeves. A stupid remark came across my mind spontaneously.

Ask Jeeva.

I'm sorry, it really is a bad joke. I didn't mean to joke about it. It happened spontaneously. Seriously. And there is no racial prejudice intended.

Jeeva is a classmate of mine. And Mary Jane's. Four years of being in the same class and he often get our name mixed up. He can never remember to match our names with our faces correctly. Even when we were at the Graduation Ceremony. But it became a nature to us, we just let him name us whatever names he wanted to give us. No point of reminding him of who's who. And people can rarely understand him when he speaks.

And that made me wonder what will happen if there exists an Ask Jeeva.

I'm Sorry

The past week had been somewhat rough. I had a lot of things going on and practically everything I planned went bummed and I had very little rest. I lay down with my eyes shut but my mind ran around for some few distance before it finally felt tired and let me sleep. And I was pissed off on some issues.

I also blamed my mood swings on my hormones. The ups and downs made my mood swings uncontrollably, making me a true monster for the whole week. This is not right. You're doing this wrong. That is unacceptable.

I was grumpy, angry, and even less friendly than what I already am. The stress had forced the monster inside me to lend me a hand, and it had taken me over completely. Most of the time I was quiet, isolating myself from people around me.

At times when I had bits of energy left in the morning, I would be the normal me. And when the good bits of me were all used up, I rely a lot on the monster to keep me going through the day. And what a monster I became most of the time.

The changes had somewhat affected my social life badly. And yes, I noticed a lot of changes going on the whole time. I became an anti-social. It was pretty OK, considering that I really needed some space for myself. Or was it bad? I don't know how things works anymore: Was it things are going badly so I need some space for myself, or I need some space so I behaved badly so people will give me that space? Or was I feeling bad and I didn't want to let everything out on other people, I behaved badly so they will avoid me?

Now I had my head cleared and things going on pretty smoothly. And I feel a whole lot better now. But what's done is done and I can't reverse anything to make up for the whole bad things I have done. So all I can say now is sorry for my bad behaviour and my bad image for the past week.

Newsflash

Nothing much. I just thought that it is time to put some labels on the posts to sort them out. You can avoid yourself from reading the posts you don't like. Or find posts you like.

We are Crazy People (I)

It has been long since the last time I wrote about the ups and downs of my relationship with my *lalala...*. Guess what, people? We are still standing strong.

It has been a crazy week, or I should say a crazy month. Or maybe a crazy semester. And definitely a crazy year. The numbers of ups and downs has been stably on the low level for months this year with some occasional arguments followed by kiss (not literally)-and-make ups. Oh, yeah, most of the time we are on the 'downs' of the relationship.

For the past couple of months things are going better than I expected. I mean, things go really well for the past few week; I would have regret the whole idea of forgetting him and starting anew with some stranger-turn-friend-but-still-a-stranger-in-many-ways. Make that twice.

This week alone my *lalala...* and I had lots of things going on. Mostly because he is jealous knowing that I hang out around boys a lot. And in some cases with no girls accompanying me. And he is especially jealous knowing that I go out with this particular guy. I admit that I go out with that guy, but with reasonable reasons. And I'm not flirting with anybody. I wish he could understand that.

Just last night we had some bizarre situations. One moment we were texting happily, and the next we had this fight. And it was no ordinary fight. He revealed the skeletons I tried to forget in my closet, and he also revealed his. All this while I thought he accepted me for what I am, and last night he shocked me with the truth. He is somewhat tired of pretending that nothing bad has ever happened to me. I was disturbed by it. But I was also glad he let it out before things become more and more complicated for the both of us. As if our relationship is not complicated enough.

It's good to know that we both wanted to forget about the whole thing fast - and forever. Two hours are long enough to leave a big bad scar on our relationship; and we were glad it was over. We jumped back onto the happy track, trying to forget what had happened a moment before. I'm glad he fell for me - and forgave me - easily last night. Waking up with an ache in your heart and your head is not good, especially for him. Oh, did I tell you he's having his final exam paper today? And the argument we had messed with his head for a while (I truly regret that part).

We are two crazy people in a crazy relationship. There are more bumpy roads ahead of us. Maybe last night's incident was only one of the smallest one in store for us. Oh, well. We'll see how far we can go. Wish us luck.

Stupid Girls

Some stupid girls made some mess in the room where we hang our laundry to dry. The room is already messy with the wet floor. And those stupid girls added more mess by throwing flour onto the wet floor.

Those egoístas estúpidas should have clean the mess up before they left. They are only making other people's life difficult (yes, I'm exaggerating when I use the word "life") and they are only making people hate them more.

Stupid. Selfish. Clean up! You created the mess. You should know what to do next.

I hope I can catch those bl**ps and bath them in sticky flour mixture. Food fight sounds so good, but I won't waste good food on those bl**ps. Better have a feast of good food and throw them the leftovers than letting them have the good food and us left with the leftovers.

Whatever. The girls should know their responsibilities. Stupid bl**ps.

Home (I)

I didn't plan of going home this weekend. But I did. Who could resist a free ticket? Hehe...

After finishing my tasks of picking up my digital camera and delivering a white paper-wrapped passports I went home, exhausted by the whole journey. I barely get any rest in the bus and I walked as quickly as I could to get my digital camera just a few minutes before the store closed.

My energy drained and I couldn't imagine myself walking a couple of kilometers home from the train station, so I called home and Paris came to pick me up.

On the way home she asked me if I knew about Dad's flight date. Mom told me Dad and my Bro will fly on December 7. Paris was planning of letting her boyfriend's sister staying in our house for a while.

Paris told me something about her. She is a married woman with two kids and a once rich husband who was tricked by his best friend/business partner and lost some half a million bucks. And she is into another rich guy who just gave her a diamond necklace and heart-shaped chocolates and a card that said, "Thanks for agreeing to be my wife." And she was thinking of splitting with her husband. Divorce.

I am actually sick of hearing her story. She's stupid and ignorant and a bl**p. No matter how many people have told her that what she is doing is not right she still feels that "it is the matter of the heart" and won't take anyone's word. So why the hell did she ask for advice from people then? And she always want people to be on her side when clearly she was on the wrong side and people were trying to get her out of that.

Paris is inviting her for a stay just so she could console her and make her forget that rich guy. Probably they'll go somewhere having fun or anything. I hope by that time I can get myself a part-time job and I don't have to stay at home listening to any of this.

Matter of the heart. Bullshit. Everybody knows she only wants the guy's money. And everything happens right when her husband lost the half million bucks. She can always like a rich guy when her husband was still rich (she got tons of guys trying to get her before this) then why is the matter of the heart only matters when her husband is now almost broke because of the loss?

It isn't the matter of the heart. It is the matter of the wallet.

That Voice

I am calling Charlie to wake him up as I'm writing this post, and the previous one too. He requested a wake up call at 3 a.m., and I have been dialling over and over again.

And I'm getting tired of this.

I'm tired of listening to the woman's voice answering his.

"Sorry, please try later."


*****

I'm still dialling. Over and over again. The curse of Sisyphus.

Going Home

I'm going home in a few hours. At no cost.

OK, maybe a little. I'm going to need some money to go home from the bus station. But I sure have saved a lot of money this time.

I have a free ticket home, thanks to AJ. One thing though. I need to deliver some documents or something to his mom. I agreed. Come on, how hard it could be to deliver something like that? I'll be at the station and his mom will get the documents delivered and I'll be heading to the LYP to get my camera back.

Now I don't have to find extra cash for the ticket home. Just the camera. I saved some $ 17 there. A trip to LYP and home.

I'm gonna ask Dad if he can give me the old car once I get my hands on my driving license. The car needs to be fixed. I'm not ashamed of driving an old car. I just don't want to drive a broken one.

And a new pair of shoes. Hehe...

London Bridge is Falling Down

I just found out that Ex #1 and Belle has broken up for like a month. And he is now seeing another girl. And all this while I thought that they were going to make it till the end.

And he has started smoking again since I don't know when. There goes all my efforts of keeping him away from the ciggies back then when I was with him. Right down the drain. It was not easy to make someone who was nicknamed "The Dragon" to stop.

Whatever. I don't know if he's not happy with the new girl. According to Belle, she has been controlling him to a certain degree. Maybe the girl feels insecure or jealous. Or maybe she's a psycho. Haha... Maybe he deserves a bit of what he's getting now. Belle said he was more miserable than he already did the last time she saw him.

I hope he'll be happy with the new girl. I'm over with the past that has been haunting me for the past years. And I hope Belle is happy with her life too. She'll find someone far better than him.

Ti Amerò

Ti Amerò
by Il Divo

La notte scivola sul mondo
Che si addormenterà
E la luna vestirà d'argento
Il mare e le città
E tu mi mancherai
Più ancora
Quanto non lo sai

Continuerò a credere che
Siamo un'anima, io e te
E ti amerò comunque, lo so
Anche se non sei con me
Io ti amerò

Ti porterò con me nel sole
Nei sogni che farò
Ruberò i colori del mattino
E un cielo limpido
Su cui dipingerò il tuo viso
E sorriderò

Continuerò a credere che
Siamo un'anima, io e te
E ti amerò comunque, lo so
Anche se non sei con me

Mi manchi più che mai stasera
Quanto non lo sai...


English Translation

I Will Love You

The night is sliding on the world
that will fall asleep.
And the moon will dress in silver
The sea and the sky.
And I will miss you,
Even more
You don't even know.

I will keep believing that
we are one soul, you and I,
And I will love you even though, I know,
you are not with me,
I will love you.

I will bring you with me into the sun,
In the dreams I'll dream.
I'll take the morning colors
And a clean sky,
On it I'll paint your face
And I will smile.

I will keep believing that
we are one soul, you and I,
And I will love you even though, I know,
you are not with me.

I miss you more then ever tonight,
And you don't even know...


******

At times I will be overwhelmed by some sort of emotion that leaves me wanting the rest of the world to shut up and leave me alone. And the only sound I want to hear is one song and one song only. Usually I will pick a song of heartbreak or something that reflects sad feelings. And right now I am listening to this song.

I don't understand a word they sing, and yet, I could sense the sad story behind it. A search over the Internet brought me to the translations (I found several versions and I even tried to translate it using online translators).

A song that I will listen to over and over again for a few days. A song that helps me through the pain I just experienced. A song that is wrapping me like bubbles, building thick walls around me. A song that isolating me from the world. A song that pierces me through the heart and yet stops the bleeding and pain I'm about to feel.

Exactly what I need at this moment.

I felt the pain again just now. The pain that left me sleepless a lot of nights before. The pain that left me crying a lot of times before. The pain that left me grasping for air while I'm sitting still. The pain that left me lying down, crouching. The pain that left me wanting my *lalala...* by my side, because he has the cure.

Most of the time I would call him, seeking for comfort from his voice. And he will always give what I need. And the pain will slowly disappear and I will sleep and forget about the pain.

The pain I felt came at the wrong moment today. The moment when I can't reach my *lalala...* for his warmth. But the song saved me. At least for a while. I have a lot of reasons to listen to it. And maybe I'll give it to him. Something that he wouldn't understand. Something that won't force the guilty feelings he might have over me. Something he won't say sorry for.

Writing History

Tonight we are going to be in the history of the College. We are going to record the College's Anthem. The new one. The one that is fresh. The one that is different from the version sung by the Staff.

Who are we? Well, practically the members of the Club. The one that has gone through a lot of changes since it was first made. Some are new members though. And most of us are going to leave the College soon, and this will be something we can be proud of. Come on, your voice is going to be preserved in the College's history and people will always need to refer to it for years to come. Isn't that great? And even if the Big People come up with a better version later, this is going to be the first officially and professionally recorded College's Anthem.

Well, the recording was scheduled to be on last Thursday but the studio encountered with some problems and they have to pick another day to do it. I was planning of coming home this weekend. I'm glad I didn't. Or else I would miss the whole thing. And boy, wouldn't that be sad?

About an hour and a half before I can eat anything. But I guess my dinner will have to wait. Maybe I'll have a cup of hot chocolate or something. Maybe some hot tea and some soup and bread. I need the calories. I need the energy.

Two hours plus before we are going to step onto the College's van that will drive us to the place. We're going to be in the College's history. Yeah!!!

Not Working

The phone is not working. It made me frustrated before, because of the stupid slow-loading memory. I often get troubles of replying messages just because I lost the carrier's network connection for like a second and had to wait for the phone to do whatever it is doing (I wonder why the phone kind of get restarted when the connection is lost) and stop displaying the message "Message storage memory not ready," and then I can use the phone. Urghh!

Last night I had worse. The phone applications would not load no matter what I do. Sad, because I depend a lot on the messaging features, and now I'm stuck with a phone that can hardly do anything. Maybe I can make a call or two if it's urgent. But that too will depend on my luck. I couldn't get the keys to work properly for me.

Solution: The phone must be sent to a shop to be checked and fixed. The phone is still under warranty, I guess. I only had it for like four months or so. But unfortunately the phone was bought somewhere in the Middle Eastern country, and I live in a South Asian country.

I'll have the phone fixed soon. I don't think I can last long without it. Now, where can I get the money from? *sigh*

Luck

Do you believe in luck?

Me? Seriously I would admit that I don't know whether to believe it or not. I mean, come on. You can't rely on luck alone. Most of the time it won't work.

I had a chat with Queenie last night, while we were having our cups of yoghurt. I told her about my *lalala...*, and how he was treated unfairly by his friends. He asked some of them to put his name on the lists of interview candidates (there were two places seeking for interns) and they only put his on one. How unfair! And should I mention that the place they didn't put his name on was the bigger one?

The hypothesis I came up with was: The friends feared that he would get the place and they would have to make do with what is left for them. On the other hand, if I want to think positively, I would come up with this: They forgot to put his name on the other list. That's better than they totally forgot to put his on both.

It's hard to believe that they would do something like the first hypothesis. I knew some of them before I knew my *lalala...*, and although I don't know who are the ones responsible for this, it is still hard form me to believe.

Whatever reasons they have, I just want them to reconsider luck as a factor. Yes, my *lalala...* get good grades most of the time, but he always have tough luck on his side. He is one guy I know to have most of his life being unlucky.

Queenie and I had a talk on luck. Like me, she also doesn't know whether to believe in luck. But I can say that we are more on the luckier side, compared to my *lalala...*. At times, we don't have to put much effort on something to get it worked well. And at times, we don't even have to do anything at all!

Putting myself in my *lalala...*'s shoes, I felt the anger and sadness. And he was doing his best not to keep it from hurting him from inside, and hurting his friendship as well.

I felt great having a short chat with Queenie. Just the two of us. Some things are not to be talked when others are around. But sometimes I think I burden people a lot when I talk about something to someone. Maybe I should keep them to myself next time.

Washing

I was washing the dishes when I remembered the time when Paris was blabbing about Dad, on how she had to buy a lot of stuff using her own money and Dad never actually spend anything for the home.

She went on babbling about the almost empty bottle of liquid dishwasher. The liquid could only last a few washes, maybe a couple of cups and some not-heavily-stained plates, and the forks and spoons in the sink, waiting to be washed. The pans and pots might have to wait.

She went on and on, from one thing to another, wasting her energy complaining about everything while her hands grabbing the bottle and squirting the content onto a sponge. She washed her used cup while I waited for my turn - without her stopping even for a second on pouring her thoughts out loudly.

She finished her babbling when she was done with the washing. She turned off the tap and put her cup back on the dish rack.

I took the sponge to wash my coffee mug and the dishes left in the sink. And there was no more liquid dishwasher left for me. And no foam left on the sponge.

And she was complaining about the liquid dishwasher!

God, I hate her! She should have use just a little of it. But she squirted all of the remaining liquid to was her bl**ping cup and left none for the remaining dishes. If she let me wash them first I could have wash every plates, cups, spoons and forks in the sink and still leave some for her to bathe the bl**ping cup with bubbles.

My experience living in hostels for so long really paid off. The dishes got bubble bath too - with the bubbles coming from the teaspoon of detergent powder I dissolved in a small bowl of water. That should do the cleaning job well.

Back to reality, I was in the hostel, with some oily dishes to wash, and some paste dishwasher. God, I really am lucky to be here, with no one to complain about some stupid dishwasher for some time that sounds like forever. Even if we run out of the paste, we will always be cool with washing dishes with detergents.

Paris should learn about adapting.

And shut the bl**p up!

Book

Someone has inspired me to continue reading. Me? Reading? The girls will laugh at me. I haven't touch a book seriously for like years. The last one would be right before I left home to come to this boring College.

Come to think again, I used to be the bookworm in my class. Anyone would admit that I was never seen without a book most of the time. I skipped PE classes just to read books or do my homeworks. No homeworks at home. That was my principle.

I spent a lot of time on reading materials, especially novels back then in school. I used to dig the old cupboard at Grandma's house for some treasure. Mostly books. Old novels with yellow pages and old paper smell. A couple of decades old. Some were bought when I wasn't even born yet. I would spend the afternoon with a book while my cousins were out somewhere. And the little ones would sit near me waiting for me to finish my reading and play with them. I would usually comply and spend some time playing with them until they get tired and don't feel like bugging me for some time.

A few years living without lifting a book and actually reading it would sound weird for some people who were so used to my habit. Some family members actually noticed that. Now I carry some Sudoku books around. No more thick books of texts. Only numbers.

Yeah, I noticed on how slow I read now. I couldn't even finish a 200-page book in a month. God! What is happening to me? I need to get my old self back! The one who used to read a lot. The one who used to read something heavy enough for young adults at the age of puberty. And I'm not talking about Mills and Boons.

Now, this someone has inspired me to go back to the old habit of reading. So I need good books and a lot of time and very little distraction so I can really enjoy reading. Any recommendations?

Phobia

I thought it was already over. I did turn a new leaf. I did have wonderful times with my *lalala...* and my friends. They were all great. And they still are.

I never thought of waking up with a heavy load on my chest, pinning me down to the cold floor, refusing the force I give to sit down and breathe properly. I can only cry.

Sad to realise that for almost two years I was able to forget what has happened to me, only to be haunted by the memories of the past when I am happy with my circle of friends who love me now.

Who can forget when someone said to you, "I should've rape you before I dump you."

For days I have been haunted by the memories. But this morning, waken up by it, I don't know what else I can do. I'm done with crying. I need to forget.

I did forgive him, didn't I?

Somebody please rip my heart out so I won't feel this pain again. Ever.

Apple

I was late for class. But some people went in a few minutes later than me. Can I say that I am lucky?

The class was bl**ping boring. He already finished his lectures last month! What else does he want in the class? Other than keeping track of our projects' progress. And having one on Tuesday and another one on Wednesday until the end of the semester? Reporting on how much we have progressed from yesterday? Dude, what was that?

Anyway, he wasted our time talking about how billionaires are made. (Almost) overnight success of YouTube and some other companies. Hey, are we learning Multimedia Application Development here or what? He didn't even teach us the very basics of the tools we are supposed to use in developing our projects! And he only talks about businesses for as long as I can remember (I previously took two different classes with him, Web Application Development and Business and Entrepreneur Development and I failed my WAD).

Whatever. He mentioned something about Microsoft. How Microsoft is easily identified with computer. And how Apple is not similarly recognised by the majority of people here. Microsoft equals to computer. Computer equals to Microsoft.

His words on Microsoft and Apple reminded me of one person and one person only. AKAB. And one word. Tembam. OK, make that two. Chubby. Wait. Three. My mind automatically generated his expected response. Pipit. I even dropped my phone accidentally while I was trying to finish my Sudoku game and listening to what he was checking on my phone every now and then for reply. Talk about multitasking.

I was very relieved when the class ended. Heck. Who would want to stay in that class for more than half an hour? It was a total waste of time. Now I'm back in my room wasting time in my own way. What a bliss.

Hell Yeah!

Hell yeah! SDN is up and running again.

I was totally in the dark when I logged on to the Internet a few days ago to read SDN and found the black blank page. I was about to rant about it but I had no time for blogs lately, I had to keep the thought away. And my friends who also read SDN said that AKAB posted something on blogging and Ramadan. What was that again? Not writing for the whole month? Or what?

Whatever. But does he have to delete the whole archive? Dude, at least leave me something to read! I always missed reading the old stuff just because I had little time to spend on blogs of any kind at times. I need to spend my time on my studies (yeah, right!) and I go out a lot lately (so true, so stop it!) and I still couldn't find the right time to do the laundry. *sigh*

Hell. SDN is back. That should be enough. I can get some dose of whatever Hell is offering.

Now, why am I using the word "Hell" so much? Hmm...

Obvious

My *lalala...* equals to Charlie. Is it that obvious?

Everybody keep on pinning the identity of my *lalala...* to this poor guy named Charlie. Simply because I "look really happy" when I am with him.

I wonder which part of any of my posts ever mentioned that I laugh and smile a lot when I am with my *lalala...*. All I can remember is I never spend a few hours with him without shedding any tears.

And yet, people claimed to see me in my happiest state when I am with Charlie. So Charlie is my *lalala...*.

I miss those days when we can simply claim "Yeah, we're a couple now," and laugh about it. Now those words will only lead to more "evident" of the secrecy of our real relationship. And it will surely cause us more trouble. Especially me. I don't need a raging girlfriend attacking me, bombarding me with tons of accusations and foul words. No thanks. I've had enough.

Yoshi mentioned about how happy I was walking with Charlie at the bazaar in the College, I practically ignored the existence of other people, especially him (Yoshi). Really? Now, how happy was I? I would love to know. Because I think Charlie is feeling the opposite. Like I would rather spend my time with someone else and not him.

Mom is also sniffing around for some gossips of her mysterious daughter. I have been keeping a lot of secrets from her, especially anything to do with my friends and my love life. I go out with guys more often than girls. And Mom is trying to figure out who my real boyfriend is. And Mom is putting her bet on Charlie. I think simply because she had seen him once. Seeing my friends from afar once is actually a rare case. Most of my friends are just some "friends" without any name or face. Just "friends". And catching a glimpse of Charlie from across the busy road looks like victory to Mom.

Sorry, Mom. I don't have one (officially) right now. You will have to wait longer before I will bring one home and introduce him to you.

For the time being I will let the mystery of *lalala...* remain unanswered. The time will come when the secret will reveal itself without me telling anything to anyone.

Shh...

I Love You

I would give you everything
just so you would listen to me
when I say I love you
but I don't expect you
to return the same three words to me
when your heart is empty.

Together...

... virtually.

I was engaged in a long conversation with my *lalala...*, starting from the moment he was in the car for a trip home (at about 9 p.m.) until just now.

We started texting, from the usual "Where are you?" to the more private stuff. We texted and texted and texted. And I let him know how much I missed him without saying so.

And he let me knew that he missed me too. Without saying so.

Now, wait. Was he really missing me? Or was it just lust that was driving him?

We texted each other - tons of them. And ended with some phone calls until we both run low on credits (he ran out of his).

It has been long since the last time we had that kind of conversation. I thought he didn't miss me at all.

It was great.

It felt like sex.

Home

I am now at home. And I don't feel happy about it.

I just spent my whole day sleeping in my room. 12 hour plus of sleep. There goes my one whole day.

Hello Night. I will be spending the rest of the hours with you.

Most people I know have their own plan for tonight. Celebrating Independence Day with friends. Going out enjoying night life. Going out with their girls.

And I am stuck at home. Alone.

Now, where are those guys when I need them?

Wake Up Call

I am playing the song Wake Up Call by Maroon 5 over and over again. It is piercing my heart. Yet I can't stop listening to it.

I am feeling the pain I used to feel back then. The kind of pain that wakes me up every now and then from my sleep.

I need some air. It hurts so much I can't breathe.

Remember when you calmed me down with your words? And made everything seemed OK? And I can breathe again, feeling like I was lifted from the brim of Death back into the world.

I miss you damn badly.

I need you now.

Help me.

Please.

I'll Have It Done. Later...

Some people asked me why I don't write in my own Mother Tongue.

Am I not proud of my own language? Duh! If you know me well, you'll know that I am one of the people who prefers communicating in my own language. Especially in English classes. Hehe... And joking around with a bunch of guys in English in Mother Tongue classes. Hehe...

Am I proud of my own self? My proficiency in English? Double duh! I am not that proficient to write in English. I still, from time to time, refer to the dictionary for lots of things. I am currently attached to the red Macmillan English Dictionary For Advanced Learners International Student Edition. No, I don't have a copy of English - Mother Tongue dictionary with me. Go find someone else.

What makes me write in English? Simply because some things are easier written in English rather than in Mother Tongue. Most things are simpler that way.

And this is the medium where I can practice my rusting English. Heck. I can't converse in English very well. I need to polish my written English so well it shines very brightly. I need to write tons of resumés for my Industrial Training programme next semester. I need to write tons of resumés to secure me a job later.

Am I not going to write in my Mother Tongue? Who says so? I have lots of things to write about. Unfinished novel (I dropped the idea of writing it since I was 15). Some comments and ideas I can only write in the language. I am now concentrating more on the latter.

Some things can't be written in English just because most of the narrow-minded people prefers arguing in Mother Tongue.

Probably because they never bother to learn English to an acceptable level where they can understand others and reply with appropriate answers.

And probably because some things can only be explained in my Mother Tongue.

Because we are so unique. In so many ways.


P/s - I read Macmillan Dictionary for fun, especially when I am really bored and nothing else could kill the boredom. Fun, and educational.

P/p/s - I was thinking of writing a blog in Mother Tongue. I'm still searching for a host for my alter ego. Because I am shallow and I'm a bikini babe (yeah, right!), and a shallow bikini babe (yeah, right!) can't have opinions.

P/p/p/s - I need to undergo series of slimming treatment to remove the excessive fat and cellulite. And dye my hair blonde so I can be a Brainless Blonde Bikini Bimbo (4B). Or 6B (Brainless Blonde Bikini Bimbo with Big Boobs). I prefer the 4B (which also can be read as Brainless Bimbo with Big Boobs, or many other variations you can come up with).

P/p/p/p/s - Yeah! All hail 4Bs. Long live 4Bs.

It's All About the Money

I slept with a terrible headache and my skin itching all over. I put on the cream prescribed by the Doctor. I didn't even read the label. Whatever. I'm itching and I need something, fast.

Anyway, I went into a deep sleep with my teddy, Jay cuddled and my pillows and mini bolster in place. And some laundry I just taken from the line, waiting to be folded, pushed to the end of the bed.

And I woke up with everything in its proper place - not on the floor.

My Roomies are sitting for a test tonight. They, plus another girl, are busy discussing. Papers on the floor and they were chit chatting. They are still discussing, only drifted away once in a while, probably because they need some break. I don't know when they started the discussion.

I choose to ignore what they are talking about. Most of the time I hear they are explaining to each other what is what and how is what. And memorising formulaes and... I'm lost.

I was replying the texts on my cellphone when I my ears caught something. Someone is asking for presents from someone. I managed to process a bit of here and there of the conversation.

A: So you want a PDA phone?
X: I asked for baju raya (new clothes for Eid).
A: That cheap? Get a new phone!
X: I ask for cheaper stuff, so I can ask for more.
A: Hey, 200 is cheap. He surely have some 200 to spend. Duh!


Well, I wasn't eavesdropping. That was pretty much what I heard.

I had my mind running for a while. Is 200 that cheap?

For people who can afford to pay some 200 bucks on not-so-important stuff, yes. 200 is cheap.

But I lived my whole life saving my pocket money for my own stuff. Back then in school I only had one buck per day per school days. I never worked a single day of my life except for a very brief period washing dishes at a small restaurant at night for 20 bucks per night. My money came from the empty stomach. Magazines, T-shirts, books. Practically everything came from days of skipping lunches at school. And people wondered where the hell did I get the money from.

I grow money tree.

Anyway, hearing those comments made my heart stopped for a while. Boy, they sure are lucky people. Getting a guy to buy you stuff.

Isn't that what guys supposed to do to their girls? Be their money machine or something?

Well, unfortunately my *lalala...* is not rich. And so did my other exes. I was/am/will be either tied to a poor guy or a cheapskate. And usually a guy who has another girl in line. I'm the second.

Guess I need a new guy. A new rich guy. Or guys. Or a Sugar Daddy.


Now, where can I get some of those?


P/s - I need at least some 100 bucks for my phone. And another 300 on food. And maybe some 200 on clothes during a sale. And another 100 on whatever I might buy without putting any thoughts on. Allowances quoted are on monthly basis. And some 500 bucks on three pairs of sneakers per year (at least).

So...?

So I permed my hair. And so you permed your hair. So what?

I don't understand this I-don't-want-us-to-have-the-same-look identity crisis she is having. Quit yupping about it, will you?

I'm talking about my sister, Paris. She is yupping about me having my hair curled, and said she needed to straighten her hair and wasted some 200 bucks (for the perm) just because I am notoriously known as the rebel, the one who wanted to be different from the others.

She spotted my new do from the pictures I uploaded just a few hours ago on my various networking accounts: MySpace, Tagged, Hi5, Ringo, Multiply. And a dear friend uploaded my picture with curly hair on Friendster. I don't know which picture she was looking at. And those pictures were taken a month ago.

Duh! If you don't want to be seen sporting the same hairstyle as mine please do so. But never say that you have to comply with me because I don't want to be like you or anyone else.

And please don't tell me how much things costs. I don't ask you to straighten your hair back and wasted your money on both curling and straightening process. If you do, don't blame me.

I don't give a bl**p what you are doing/going to do with your money and/or hair. Just keep my name out of "I did this because..." please.

I am losing my curls fast. Not that I'm saying that the place where I had my perms dome was bad. It was a good place. And a cheap one. And I love it because my hair smelled pretty sweet (fruity) right after the perming job was done and I can walk around the Mall not worrying a bit about the 'salon smell'. And yeah, I only spend some 70 bucks on my hair (plus the front fringe straightened flat). So, is it the salon's fault my hair is losing the curls fast?

Nope. If I must, I would say that my hair is from the stubborn type, just like me. My hair needs simple care for as long as I can remember. I switch shampoo frequently and use cheap shampoos and people will still say my hair is easy to manage. Duh! Blame it to stubbornness. It refuses/resists to changes pretty well.

I really think that she shouldn't waste her money on straightening her hair just to be different. It will be a huge waste of money. My hair will be back to its normal state (straight) in some few months. In a few weeks what will be left of the perms are just some very loose waves - the type of curls you get from rolling your hair with some rollers without adding chemicals and will wash off with water. THAT type of waves.

If she decided to have her hair straightened, all I want to say is "STUPID!!!"

There. That makes me feel better.

Junks

Heck! My Friendster and MySpace accounts (plus some few others) and my Yahoo! Mail (and soon to join the group - my Gmail) are now full of junks.

My MySpace account is full of invitation of whatever. Never mind. I can always ignore those. And spams and spammers are continuously being deleted. Great. And no "Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw:" messages too.

My Friendster accounts are full of forwarded messages. Dude! Please! The "Friendster is closing" message is not real! Stop forwarding it to me! And people forwarding texts ended with "Forward this to friends or you'll have bad lucks" or "Forward this to your friends and people who reply are really your friends" or whatever. Bullshit. You don't post junks to your friends. And I am happier to delete you and end this virtual friendship than bombarding other people's inboxes and claim the title of "your friend".

And I also hate people spreading messages ended with the Prophet's words, "Spread my words..." or "Spread this, and God may bless you with his rewards..." or something similar. Dude, are you spreading the messages because you find it true/useful or are you expecting rewards for doing it?

I haven't check my Yahoo! account for some times now. Heck. I hate my sister's hobby more than the newsletters and spams more. She keeps on forwarding stuff to me and expect me to spend a lot of time reading them (or downloading the clips or songs) and give her some respond. Hell no!

And she started to forward those junks to my Gmail account, knowing that I check the account frequently. Yuck! I use the account because I hate her junks, OK? At least she stopped when I told her to. *sigh* She's scarier than those spammers.

So, people. Stop asking whether I have read your messages on Myspace or Friendster. I spend little time on those, thanks to the junks. I have my cellphone and my IMs. Do message me if you want to know whether I'm still alive or not. Or check my blog for news. Consider me dead if I don't post anymore (but please text me if you really want to know whether I'm still alive).

Hell is Hot

Hell yeah!!! I'm sooooooooooooo excited.

I just went back from the beach. Sun burnt. Ouch! And I'm tired.

But guess what? The guy from hell himself dropped me a comment. Yeah!!!

So I'm not pretty/hot/sexy. And I missed the chance to buy his T-shirt and meet him. So there is no way I'm gonna meet him or he knowing my existence. But hey, he dropped a comment on my crappy blog! I'm more than satisfied. Now I know I'm gonna be satisfied if I can get my hands on his next T-shirt.

So who is this guy from hell?

AKAB.

And why am I so excited about this?

Simply because I'm a fan of his blog.

His blog?

Yeah. I don't know him. I haven't met him yet. I might have reasons to hate him later. But I love his blog.

AKAB, you just lightened up my overly brightened, sun burnt day.

Newsflash

Just a short post. I posted some of my drafts. Completed (finally!) so if you browse through the archive you will notice some posts that seemed like they never existed before. I am trying to post short stuff instead of long ones. Some people told me that I write too much. Heh :P

Last month's archive. Hmm... A lot of things happened last month, but not everything can be recorded here. Some things are better forgotten. Some are still waiting to be finished. Haha...


Note to some people (I think you know who you are and I think you know what I am talking about): I am trying. Help me, please.

Note to some other people (I don't think you're reading, but who knows?): Thanks for offering me a soft cushion to fall onto. Catch me then.

Gotcha and Don't Cha

Hitz.fm never fails to entertain me. Those people are so cool. And the Morning Crew usually brightens my day even before the sun does. Evil pranks on Gotcha and silly jokes and remarks.

Today they played the wrong recording of Gotcha. The glitch was fixed after a song. Today's Gotcha was about a girl who feel flattered over the compliments by some random guy who claimed that he and his bunch of friends drooled over her at a party. He even mentioned about the dress she wore. They flirted and he asked her out. She agreed. She even denied having a boyfriend when asked. Then the boyfriend butted in and accused her of cheating. BTW, they were dating for 3 months. The girl had some explanation to do. Haha. She shouldn't flirt the first place.

JJ and Rudy also sang their own version of Don't Cha. It was damn hilarious. Don't cha wish you boyfriend was hot like me. Don't cha wish your boyfriend has more money. And that was just the chorus. The whole song is silly and funny.

Now, anyone has the song recorded? I really want that one. Then again, any copy of their songs would be great (I only have their version of Tokyo Drift: Fast and Furious).

Rum?

I finally found something that can banish my crazy crave - Rum Raisin (RR) ice cream. I bought a tub for myself. A rectangular tub filled with 1 litre (500 g) ice cream. And I bought a tub of yogurt specially for the ice cream. I need the spoon.

I ate the ice cream almost immediately after paying for the stuff I had in my hands. After a long failed search, who wouldn't? Plus, the Residence doesn't allow the students to keep electrical appliances (except for some little stuff). We don't have mini bar. And I don't enjoy melted ice cream.

I dipped the small plastic spoon into the ice cream and dig out a small portion of the smooth texture. "Yummy," was my first thought.

Wait a second. The ice cream tasted weird in my mouth. I tried to remember the last time I had the ice cream. Last year. Urghh... I couldn't recall the taste of it. Then again, I had it mixed with another flavour.

I texted Shark, telling him about the ice cream. I told him about my ice cream crave a lot earlier, and he sounded like "You wouldn't want to eat that. Again. Ever."

As expected.

Me: I'm having RR. Yay! Finally...
Him: Good for you.
Me: Yeah, but it tasted a bit weird.
Him: Told ya. It contains rum. And you know what rum is?
Me: Yeah, I know. But this one does not contain rum. It contains whey powder. And yeah, rum is derived from whey. I know that. This is not rum.
Him: I know the smell and taste of rum, OK. Both cold and frozen.
Me: Yeah, but this is not rum!
Him: Come on. I know what the thing is. It's rum. My friend worked at Baskin Robbins.
Me: This is not BR's R & R. It's Cremo's. And it is not rum.
Him: OK, whatever.

Peter and MJ who also had a taste of the ice cream told me something similar. They said it smelled like alcohol. And left an aftertaste pretty much like alcohol.

I checked the container a few times. Yeah, it was not rum. I checked on it even before buying it. I checked for the date. Nothing suspicious. Hmm...

Assuring myself was pretty easy. Assuring other people was hard. They didn't question much. But they didn't continue eating either.

Comments?


Note to myself: BR's RR didn't taste weird they way I remember it. And that was like 10 years ago.

Laws

Reading this makes me laugh. True.

Note to possible foreigners: You have to understand the political scene of my Beloved Country to get that joke.

I Hate Sleeping

I hate sleeping. Sleeping actually shaves me off of my precious time living in this world when I can really do something better than sleeping.

OK, so I lied about the shaving me off of my precious time. I only hate that part when I run out of time and I fall for a quick 5-minute doze when I really can make use of the time.

I hate sleeping when I have people with no spare time (people I love and care about only) need me to do something important. Or not very important, but since they are very busy, time is a critical factor.

I often missed messages and calls from Charlie. And usually when he got some specific time slot for me squeezed in his very busy schedule. His time for me is almost always affected by the weather, his healh level, the availability of a mode of transportation and bla bla bla. Meeting him even for a few minutes is actually hard. At some points even almost impossible. And that doesn't count my availability to comply to his scheduled time.

So, whenever possible I will always put him on top of my list of priority. Most of the time I will say no only when I have a group discussion to attend to. Weather and health level factor will usually be discarded.

But I often failed to see him when he needed whatever important stuff of his that he left in my possession. Or something he asked me to buy. I often failed to meet him and give his stuff, or worse, when he needed some time off from whatever problem his girlfriend or his stress factor is causing him. She is his main stress factor.

I missed my meeting-with-Charlie-to-hand-him-his-stuff time slot again because I was sleeping. He texted me twice, and called me 5 times. FIVE TIMES!!!

I hate it when it happened. I hate sleeping.


Now that it messed my brain up (because I hate waking up to know how I hate sleeping very much) I am now feeling some sort of dizziness creeping up into my head. I think I need some more sleep.


On another note, yeah, it happened quite a number of times when my ex-boyfriends decided to leave me. Only I was actually physically awake at those moments. And I only finally woke up when they texted me saying everything was over for us both.

History Revisited

For whatever reasons, I am beginning to feel like the kid I used to be.

*****

Some people (yes, you. I know you're reading) are now mentioning Yoshi's name on a frequent basis within my hearing. Followed by some giggles.

Now, I'm not the type of girl who will get mad over tiny things like that. Sooner or later they (yes, you. I know you're reading) will stop. I hope it will end sooner rather than later.

The act of denying the whole thing will only drain me more, and on a quicker rate. I need every bit of my energy now. I will need to seek the patience I had back then in school. Unfortunately I don't have any mantra I can chant every now and then to block the voices and giggles. *sigh*

I guess I just have to play the game along with them. Maybe then they (yes, you. I know you're reading) will tone down the whole Yoshi thing on me.

At least this is no more worse than the one I had back then in school. Maybe I can say it's a whole lot better than in school. Being paired up with a total nerd I can't keep myself near for more than 5 seconds for whatever reasons is even worse than what I am experiencing now. Hey, I used to be the nerd in school, but that guy is a nerd a few degrees higher than me. I can't stand him. Having my friends (that's what they called themselves) pairing his name up with mine in front of him was a nightmare. And it evolved into a more terrible nightmare - the guy seemed like he was trying to spend more time talking to me, when all he can talk about were nothing more than brain-pinching educational matters.

Or was it just me? Whatever.


Now the history is repeating itself. But in a better version. Lucky me (yeah, right!). At least the guy is not someone I can't stand at all. And the people (yeah, you. I know you're still reading) say sorry when they think they went overboard with this whole me-and-Yoshi thing.

I need to concentrate on conserving my energies for more useful thing. La la la...


On a different note, Yoshi resembles some bunch of friends I have: spending some years in the town I was born (but not bred) in, plays basketball and chess. Kinda reminds me of Alex who were invited to join the rugby team when he was rejected from joining the Chess Club back then in Junior College.

Photomosaic

I found an interesting site while searching for freewares that might work for my Multimedia assignment and project. Needless to say, I found lots of junks, some cool stuff and lots of sharewares that will definitely burn my whole pocket (too many holes!).

Anyway, while I was browsing for the stuff I found one software that claimed to be able to generate photomosaic. "Cool!" was my first thought.

Photomosaic is a photo made of combination of many smaller photos. Tons of them.

My multimedia project. Hmm... I dunno. Maybe I can include this stuff, but the Lecturer would expect something like a video, not a photomosaic. Photomosaic can't include text and sound, the elements we need to include in the project.

I downloaded the software. I found a link to a forum where the people were discussing on having a photomosaic contest. The dates? Back in 2005. Whoaa... I guess I'm way too late in discovering this thing.

Whatever. The example given led me to the very cool stuff I think you should give a look at. Here it is. Zoom in and wait for the images to be fully loaded.

Note: Be patient.

Project

I am still stuck with the Multimedia assignment I have to submit by the end of next week. Individual project. I have to get my brain working very hard. Huhu~

A 3-minute clip. Now, how hard could that be? Just shoot a video and put some text and voilà!

Wrong! (Background sound: buzzer)

I need to come up with a project that utilises various types of media in the video. And the project must comply with one of the themes (can I really count them as themes?) provided by the Lecturer.

Hell.



And there's a group project waiting.

Double hell.

Revealed

Is this news coming out too fast? Or the previous post came too late? Or what?

The guy I wrote about in the previous post, Crush, just confessed that he liked me. And that is not what shocking me.

He confessed that he liked me since we were in the First Year. And now we are in the Fourth.

I think he finally had the guts to spill the thing out when I told him that keeping everything inside might cause him to lose something that is right in front of him. Right advice, wrong time and situation. I was actually relating to my experience of losing AK, and also the story on Nina and Peter.

OK, maybe it also has something to do with the texts I put on the Skype. The "status". He had been replying to the status with texts that didn't reveal anything, but I kept on pushing. Only later we talked about the whole "keeping everything inside" and "losing the chance" thing.

He later texted me on my phone, confessing his feelings.

So, the question is answered, and I can proudly say that I can trust my instinct and I am not just some girl who thinks that the guy must like her because that's what guys always do.

OK, so what are the hints he has been dropping me since the first day we went out together? Let me see... Hmm...

• He followed me instead of his friends at the hypermarket when we split to get our stuff.
• He always sits in front of me when we are having meals, even though he has already pulled the chair opposing Kiddo (a friend of ours) when we are sitting at a 2-by-2 table.
• He walks very closely to me most of the time I can remember.
• He always stands between me and Kiddo.
• When we were at the beach we (the three of us) lay down on the beach and took some pictures of ourselves and later he didn't even bother to move a few inches away from me (I take it as a sign that he really wished that we could be that close).
• We took pictures of our shoes (three pairs) lined up, sitting very close is expected, but he didn't move after we finished taking the pictures (another strong sign?).
• We were lying on the beach after taking pictures (I don't remember which). I didn't budge a bit from my position, and so was he. When we sat up we were in a position that would make people see as if he was touching my back. Or almost. That close. And he stayed put and not moving. And I couldn't enjoy watching the night sky lying down again, or else I'll be lying on his hand/arm because it was right behind me.
  

Pretty bold moves from a pretty shy guy. Considering that he is not a player, I don't think he would be comfortable sitting very close to a girl like me, even on a normal friendship basis. So I can safely assume that he likes me. And I was right! But I didn't expect that it started a whole lot earlier on.

I still can't believe he kept the whole thing for years. Three years. I wondered what will happen if he didn't let it out today.

Crush

I think someone is having a crush on me.

You can say that I am being self-centered, thinking that the world revolves around me and every guy in this world loves me. I am the I-am-the-most-beautiful-princess-every-guy-will-beg-on-his-knees-to-date-me type of girl. Whatever.

I think the guy (I'll name him Yoshi) is dropping me tiny hints since the first time I went out with him (plus another guy or two). Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am not. I can trust my hunch most of the time especially when guys make the whole I-like-you-and-want-to-get-close-to-you-and-know-you-better thing obvious. I was right about my *lalala...* although I could extract a confession from him only after about a year and a half.

Back to this guy. Hmm... The signs Yoshi showed were pretty obvious. But I am not uncomfortable with it. He didn't invade my personal space. Well, actually I am pretty comfortable being around him. That's great. I hate people invading my personal space, making me feel creepy and scared and had to run away when they started to say "I like you". Yuck.

The biggest sign the guy showed was the text on his Skype, what we usually call as the "status". His text was actually a reply to mine. I noticed it.

My text was only something that reflects what I really feel about my relationship with my *lalala...*, because from my point-of-view, he was being cold towards me.

I don't think Yoshi knew the situation between me and my *lalala...*, as we are being half-attached. Not in a relationship, and not in a "not in a relationship". Complicated stuff, if I can give it a name.

I hope Yoshi won't expect much of anything from me now. I am not ready to let my *lalala...* go. Not yet. He still loves me like before, and I still love him like always. He shows me the warmth and love I need when I am at my lowest point, and that really helps me get through the coldness I thought I saw in him.

Expecting a guy to "lets just be friends for now" and "maybe later we can develop a more serious relationship" is not easy. Most of the guys I know take this as a form of rejection. Yet, many tried harder. Sorry. You're getting creepy. Get out of my sight.

Well, lets just see when will the mystery revealed itself. I am so bl**ping sure that my hunch is right - he really likes me.

Affected? Infected?

A few days ago Queenie screamed and/or listened to music to counter the sound I made when I laugh. I let out a special laugh for her, a laugh I successfully imitate from some annoying characters in some anime we both watched. Another roommate who shares the same name with me also imitated the laughing. We were amused by it.

For her, it is painfully annoying.

Just a few minutes ago Queenie came to my place. My ears were fully covered with the pair of Philips stereo headphones I owned since last semester. I was reading a blog of a self-acclaimed anarchist, also known as a conformist but not a rebel. The headphones were attached to my MP3 player, specially hung at the top of my locker to enable the FM signal captured by the FM radio function. Various kinds of songs went through my ears, but my mind didn't do anything to capture the words. Most of them I recalled by heart, glued through continuous exposure to them.

Queenie let out a sound I heard somewhat familiar to what I made from the previous night. I turned to her, taking the headphones off partly.

She was grinning.

"Infected."

She let another high-pitched laugh she used to hate. I guess it is just a matter of time before the laugh can be deemed as our official laugh.

As I am writing this post, Queenie is in her bed trying to sleep. She just let another laugh just now. I guess it is pretty addictive.

Stupid Acts - Part 3

Guess now.

Guess what?

Shark really is stupid when he bought the recipe.

I have nothing against his action of buying the recipe for such a high price. He told me, "It's not about wasting the money, it's about winning the heart." I had to agree with him with that. Poor rich desperado.

Buying something plain for such a high price for some reason, and people will forgive you. But wasting it on someone who doesn't have a clue on what is going on is really a waste.

I am not blaming Nina for not appreciating what he is doing to win her heart. If it was not a request from Nina, I don't think Shark will spend a huge amount of money on that ojingeo deopbap. I doubt that he will spend the same amount, or perhaps even a fraction of of it, for someone he doesn't have any interest in.

A few days after the long lectures of "the recipe is a total waste," the real thing hit him really hard on the head. He told Nina that he had learned how to cook the ojingeo deopbap that she wished to have, and he also had the recipe tested, just so he can cook a better meal for her later. Yup. He cooked for her.

It later turned out that the "Nina" who was asking for the ojingeo deopbap was not really Nina. Someone else was using her notebook at the moment, and she played around, thinking that it was funny. Duh! You don't mess around with people you don't know, pretending to be the person that person really want to talk to, especially when it involves the hearts. Especially when that person is expecting a positive response for what he did for the person he likes.

Huhu~ I think I'm going way overboard with this.

Anyway, for Shark to spend his money for something Nina didn't request, but was actually requested by someone else, and not being serious about it. Some 400 bucks was burnt for nothing. The moment I heard about it, I really wished that he would give me a huge plush doggy, or a teddy, or something.

He sounded tortured enough by the fact, giving him more mental torture won't give me any pleasure anymore. Somehow I pitied him.

I don't know what Nina really say about the incident. And I don't know whether Nina wanted to give the ojingeo deopbap a try, after what happened. But I asked him to cook some for me. I hope that made him feel a bit better. At least someone is willing to eat some Korean "sambal sotong" he made.


Lessons learned - never buy a recipe that costs so much. And make sure that the person requesting is really the person you expect a positive respond from and not some impostor. And the money wasted is better spent on a huge plush doggy for me. Grr...

Stupid Acts - Part 2

How stupid is stupid?

How stupid will a guy become to win a girl's heart?

Well, Shark has done what I can say as the most stupidest thing to pave a way to Nina's heart. Note that I am using the extreme superlative (the phrase most stupidest doesn't exist, I use it only to emphasize on how stupidity can go beyond what is considered as a normal superlative).

So, how stupid is this Shark guy?

He got his mind working backwards by not using what is considered a must-know of the technology/digital world that there is even a word coined from the act of using it (and people are using it excessively!) - the big blue G. Give applause to... *drum roll* ...Google.

He searched for a recipe - ojingeo deopbap. He said Nina requested for the meal, but she gave him the wrong spelling. He wasted a couple of hours searching for something that doesn't exist. His last resort - a tourism website (or something similar) offering a list of Korean food and the recipes. Out of desperation, he jumped into the silliness of buying the recipe without even giving a thought of searching for free recipes based on the name he found on the website. A few clicks later some USD 119 disappeared from his possession.

Ojingeo deopbap - stir fry calamari on rice. Or in his own words - "sambal sotong" (calamari in chilli paste). He seemed to regret his own action of buying the simple recipe, expecting it to be something grand, but turned out to be something so simple and not-so-fancy. He refused to reveal the actual price the first time I asked him.

Later he asked me how much does USD 119 actually costs. My rough calculation converted the value to be around 400 plus bucks local currency. God! This guy is really crazy! Only when I asked again he admitted feeling stupid for paying such a high price for the recipe, when a friend of him (one of my Seniors) found the recipe for free. He lied to Nina saying that it only costs him some USD 30. Urghh!!! That's still a huge amount of money for a recipe!

Later I managed to find the stupid recipe myself, just to satisfy the curiosity I had over this ojingeo deopbap thingy. I mean, what made it so expensive? I found some sites and blogs with pictures. It does look like some "sambal sotong" to me. I dropped Shark a huge chunk of rock, crushing him terribly when I copied the recipe I found (for free, of course!) and gave it to him.

His first reaction was a scream. In capital letters.

Our whole chat session was filled with babbling from Yours Truly, mentioning about how he had wasted a huge amount of money when he could have just get it for free and how he could actually spend the money for something more useful like a real Korean food treat at a real Korean restaurant. Or a big teddy bear. Or some jewellery. Or lots of chocolates. Or a phone call that lasts for hours. Well, the list is what I could think of of 400 bucks gift for a girl. OK, actually this is the list of what I wish I could have, if Shark really wish to waste some 400 bucks on a girl, and if the girl is actually me. Haha :P

It was a good session. Mental torture is proven to be a good way to unwind, especially when you are the torturer. Haha... I really wished I could brainwash this stupid guy. Yes, he has the money to buy that stupid recipe, but he could have spent them better on something else instead of that stupid thing!


Lessons learned - never spend too much on a recipe. Or buy that stupid thing anyway, but keep the facts away from me.

Stupid Acts - Part 1

A guy friend of mine did a very stupid thing. Lets just call him Shark. He is in the process of courting this girl, Nina, a friend of mine. She keeps on rejecting him. I just wish she wouldn't keep on doing it. From my point of view, she is the type of girl who has her pride so high, she'll deny her own feelings just so she wouldn't feel embarrassed.

Nina already lost someone she really liked (my friend, Peter) to another friend of ours (my dear friend MJ). And Peter really liked her too! No, it's not MJ's fault. Peter waited for Nina for some time, and I can tell that it was long enough before he finally gave up and decided to be with MJ. Nina let out a bad storm when she knew about this. And that happened when she already had a boyfriend and she rejected Peter many times!

What I really wish I could say to Nina is I hope she will understand (sooner, rather than later) that if she keeps on denying her feelings and hopes that the person whom she really likes will wait for her forever, she is totally wrong. Sooner or later he will feel tired and he will give up. And usually when it happens, that is when she will let her ego down and will find herself broken once more because the guy has already found someone else.

Back to the story of Shark. He tried very hard to get her. I don't really know what really happened between them right now. Heck. I don't even know when they actually get to know each other and be in touch!

A short explanation of Yours Truly - Nina - MJ - Peter - Shark thing. Yours Truly and Nina were in the same lecture class in Pre-U College. Nina was very close to another friend, MJ's roommate during the first year. Yours Truly and MJ are classmates, and fate brought us together, only to know that we are linked in a lot of ways. Yours Truly and Nina were friends of Peter (back then when MJ didn't know Peter) and Nina and Peter had a crush on each other but Nina went out with another guy and left Peter waiting. Nina tried to pair up Yours Truly and Peter, but it didn't work. Yours Truly also had a crush on Peter (because he was being really nice, especially when I was dealing with a terrible break-up with Ex #1), but nothing really happened when we (Yours Truly and Peter) had this two-week trial period. Nina and Peter remained friends until Peter suddenly decided that he should just move on, so he chose to be with MJ (I still don't know how it actually happened. Even they don't know how it happened!) Nina was bl**ping shocked to learn that she lost Peter to MJ and so she avoided them for quite some time. She was sort of OK with MJ now, but she still holds some sort of something against Peter. Anger? I don't know.

Yours Truly and MJ are connected to Shark through some seniors of ours. We met when one of the seniors brought us to a beach. Nina was not in this circle until I we don't know when. Shark contacts us (Yours Truly and MJ) every now and then. Last week I found out that Shark also contacts Nina on a regular basis. That's weird since we don't know anything about them. Especially when Nina avoided us because of what happened between her, MJ and Peter. We assumed that they met at the Convocation when Shark went to the event to accompany our seniors.

Anyway, things are not really easy between Shark and us, the girls. The Senior who brought us to the beach liked Yours Truly very much (and according to Shark, he is still waiting until this post is written). But Yours Truly was freaked out by his mindless acts (up to the point of being a stalker who came to my house and talked with my Dad, and Dad made me see him. Yuck!) and Shark was the one who tried hard to help him. I usually let my guard down a bit after Shark assured me that nothing bad will happen to me. And Shark was very close to MJ from the day at the beach. He said he liked her. MJ and Peter never talk to each other at that time.

Recently Shark confessed that he actually liked Yours Truly and liking MJ was only an excuse he made because he didn't want to ruin the friendship between him and the Senior. He is a nice guy and Yours Truly have always fallen for the comfort he offers. But we decided to flirt only. No serious relationship other than friendship, because I am still attached to my *lalala...* and he respects that. And that is when he said something about being close to Nina. And that's the first time I have ever heard that from anyone. I thought I missed the news at some point, so I checked with the people I know but nobody knows anything. And both Nina and Shark weren't going to say anything about it.

I discussed about this Shark and Nina thing with MJ, since we are friends with them both. We especially know that Nina always deny her feelings until it is too late. Come on, Shark is clearly interested in her. I wish she would just accept him before it is too late. Yours Truly and Shark? We are flirting, of course, and everytime I asked about Nina he would say that Nina is refusing him, he would probably back off and move on. He still respects my relationship with my *lalala...*, and he is also not going to ruin his friendship with that particular Senior. He also assured me that nothing is going on between him and Nina, so we can just flirt like what we are doing now.

Nothing is wrong about this flirting thing, right? Well, wrong! If Nina is actually liking Shark, but waiting for something to make it really happen, I'll get totally fried if she discovered later that Shark and Yours Truly are having this silly kind of relationship, and especially if we are oing to have something serious afterwards. That will spell a total disaster.

I don't want to ruin my friendship with Nina with a stupid move like this, like what happened between her and MJ and Peter. But if anything were to happen between me and Shark, I hope that she won't hold any grudges against us. I don't want to be remembered as a backstabber who stole her guy.

Me and my *lalala...*? I still loves him, but I am trying to let things go so that when the time comes I won't be crying so badly like I did before. I want to be prepared for that. He is letting me go too, but at the same time he wished to keep me by his side. He would let me go if I choose to be with another guy, but I am not leaving him for another guy, especially now. It's a really complicated relationship.

Me and Shark? We are flirting, but no serious relationship for the time being. He said he will be with me when I need him, and he will make me smile. Something made me ask him a question.

"If I say I like you, will you wait for me?"

And he answered:

"I will, if you want me to."

It was a silly question. And I don't want to give him any kind of hope, waiting on empty/false promises when he deserves better. I didn't ask him to wait for me, and I don't know if he is going to wait for me. But he made me comfortable when he said that he will be with me if someday I come to him crying and I need some kind of comfort.

Another thing that made me feel glad is when he said that between girlfriend and friends, he will choose his friends. I don't know if it was just a false hope, but it would be good if I really can rely on him when I need a strong shoulder to lean on, even if he already has a girlfriend at that time.

My relationship with my *lalala...* now depends on how much he needs me. Maybe I'll leave him when he no longer needs me. And when I can leave him with someone, knowing that the person will take good care of him. I personally don't want to think of anything related to the idea of leaving him, but our relationship is getting to the edge where he might leave me for the GF, or for some other girls without me being ready to accept his decision well.

*****

I can only hope that none of us are going to make stupid acts that will ruin this whole relationship/friendship thing. It is already complicated now, and I hope that it won't get any worse. I guess we'll have to leave that to the Power That Be.

Not That Simple

I accidentally activated my Caller Ringtones service that will charge me 3 bucks per month for some tones I really don't need. I don't need to entertain my callers with fancy tones. Nobody has ever complained about the boring 'toot-toot' sound so far. So why should I change now?

Anyway, I went back to my room and borrowed Queenie's notebook to access the Internet. I was expecting some kind of help or FAQs on the website explaining on how to deactivate the service. I always hated the slow-loading fully flash format of the website, especially with the slow Internet connection we are experiencing here in the College.

Clicking on the Caller Ringtones link redirected me to the Music Unlimited site, a site that is dedicated to music and music-related contents where you can subscribe to services and buy tones from the provider. The site will only show you how to subscribe, but not on how to unsubscribe. Yikes! That's bl**ping awful for a reputable service provider like this one.

I searched in every nook and cranny (if you can call the actions of clicking on every logical links I can think of as searching) but couldn't find any. Even the FAQs are useless. Mind you, I have tried the site dedicated for the Prepaid service, and I hava also tried the Main site.

Contacting my Brother is also useless. I thought he did subscribe to the service once, only to unsubscribe it later because he wondered on how his credits balance drained so quickly every month. Duh!

Anyway, I finally managed to unsubscribe the service thanks to my silly brain finally managed to think clearly and the guts of trying my luck with the Easy Menu function (that is not actually really easy because I have to go forth and back between menus to get into the right one). And I even have to use shortcuts (I gambled on the correct codes) just to shorten the whole key in number-wait for the next menu-key in another number-wait for the next menu-key in yet another number process.

I haven't figured out whether the service I had accidentally activated has really been activated before I finally get it deactivated, thus I don't know whether the provider has deducted the 3 bucks from my account or not. But at least now I know that I don't have to pay some 3 bucks per month without any reasons.

Now I need to figure out how to get my GPRS/MMS to function correctly.

P/s - The FAQs are bl**ping craps with only some of the sections updated properly, causing troubles and confusions in understanding what the provider really offers. The whole site is crappy. It's not helping at all.

No More?

Queenie said that she is no longer interested in writing blog(s). I guess many others have jump off the wagon too. Or maybe they just pull over for a short rest. I hope everybody will start on writing again this sem. Life as a student is pretty interesting, especially if you're on the watcher's side.

Me? I'll keep on writing until I don't have anything to write about. But things have been interesting lately, so I guess I won't stop early.

P/s - If any of you think that this blog is no longer interesting, drop me a comment or shout at the box so I'll know.

A New Start?

The new semester has just begun. The term started on July 9, but my class only started today, that is, if you can really call it 'started'. My solely registered class for this semester is an elective subject. I can choose one out of the five three elective subjects. And I chose to be in the class of the lecturer I don't like. The one who failed me in a 3-credit subject.

Ironic. Haha. But this is the class I have some sort of confidence in. I have to get as many good grades as I can this semester. If I can get two As (yeah, only two) I can really push my CGPA up. But I can only rely a lot on the 3-credit subject. The other one, a 4-credit, I can only aim as high as a B.

*sigh*

Anyway, I am planning to get my brain really worked out this sem. The whole projects I have to finish before October, practice sessions with the Club members, the new uniform for the Club... The list seems to be endless.

About the Club. I am now living with Queenie. We share the same bed. Heh ;P So I think things might be easier now since we can really spend a lot of time discussing about this whenever needed. We haven't start on anything yet, but I guess we will get ourselves a bit busy with the Club's matter starting next week.

The new sem seems to start pretty well. I wish I could keep the good start till the end. Sometimes some things are actually easier to be done/solved if we take them pretty lightly. Sometimes some hard work and thinking are actually a waste of time because we see those things as difficult, and we can only think of difficult solutions. At the end of the day, those things will wear us out and we will start seeing everything else just as difficult, if not worse.

I'm having a good start with some best friends within my reach. I can get through everything (^_^)

Drop Me a Message

I am now back to the world where people can ring me anytime, anywhere. Luckily such people don't exist in my world anymore. I hate senseless people who rings me just to bug me. "Because I care."

Heck. Well, I don't. So stop pestering me.

Anyway, since the tragedy of the lost cellphone, many people have to deal with the difficulties of trying to reach me. I have to deal with that problem too. I lost most of my contacts' phone numbers. I am lucky I could still remember a few, so I used my spare number to contact these few people.

Mom called me a few days back to ask me about the test re-take I told her earlier. She must have tried to contact me through my phone but failed. So she contacted dad. Anyway, I told her about the incident using as little word as possible, hoping that she will understand that she wouldn't be able to contact me again because I don't have a phone.

"Oh, so you need a new phone?"

Whoa... That was some unexpected words from her. Well, actually that was sort of expected. She said she will buy me one for my birthday, but I opted for a holiday trip to an island with my friends. Hehe...

She gave me options whether to get some money for the cellphone or get a cellphone. No buying required. I should have opted for the money. Huhu~ I asked for a cheap phone like the one I had lost. I don't need feature-packed phone right now.

Yesterday Mom's friend came to our house. She delivered the phone. A new Nokia 5200. Well, that's not what I asked for. I asked for a Nokia 1110 or something more or less like that. See, I should take the money instead and buy two 1110s instead. But that would equal to having to endure some few more weeks without cellphone before I can really get my hands on any (my *lalala...* said that we will go out shopping for new phones together).

Anyway, I'm glad I have a phone now. It is nothing to boast about since it is not among the latest models in the market. But now I can say to my friends, "Hey, I'm back."

Switching to a new phone is actually a hassle. I still love the old mono-screen phone with simple navigation. Plus, the durability. Colour-screen phones tends to break more easily than the mono counterparts. I'll need to learn to be more careful.

Short notes:

To Queenie who loves sending MMS to me, you can do so once I got everything set up properly.
To Mr R the Romeo, maybe I'll send you my pics later. But first, I need your number.
To my *lalala...*, lets go phone hunting next time. I'm changing the other one too.
To basically everybody, don't forget to give me your number. Or else I won't be able to reach you. Ever.
To myself: You'll need to browse through the manual so you don't have to wonder how to do what next time. And get the microSD A.S.A.P!!!

Worldwide... Today!

The biggest movie of the year is now shown to the rest of the world today. Yes, I'm talking about Transformers.

Looking at this list, I can now claim myself lucky living in my country. We get to see the movie early. Heh...

That's a really good point if you really want to brag on how cool the movie is. While the rest of the world are making the trip to enjoy the "Ooh..." and "Ahh..." of the movie with their eyes glued to the big screen, not wanting to miss any possible millisecond (you will miss some nanoseconds to bat your eyes) we may already plan for the second or the third trip. Or may already go for the third!

I almost went for the second trip the same day I watch the first one. Heh :P

Dirty thoughts:
If you really want to spoil one's mood, go to the countries where the movie is now showing for the first time, and bring along a friend who has already watch the movie with you. He/she can also watch the movie without you before. Just make sure both of you have watched it. If possible, choose to be seated at the best spot in the cinema. Talk about the movie during the commercials before the movie start. Every now and then, say to your partner, "Hey, look, it's this part. Damn cool. You don't want to miss it." And your partner can reply with, "Yeah, but I like the part where better. Awesome." Talk as loudly as you feel comfortable with. Make other people nearby hear you, but keep it low enough so you won't get kicked out of the cinema.

So, why do we get to see the movie first? Can't the US of A get the privileges of watching it first? Well, that's where the whole stuff is created, right? They should be the first to see it!

It's all about business. This country of mine is well known as the country where pirated movies with qualities from so-so to superb are sold widely. Probably the guys get the idea from the James Bond movie The World is Not Enough, where they get to cut a huge amount of loss due to piracy by releasing it first here.

But I guess the guys don't have to worry much about getting people to watch the movie at the cinema. Heck. The bigger the screen is, the better. Maybe I'll catch the movie again at IMAX. But I'll wait for the 3D release then. There's no point of paying twice or thrice the ticket price of a normal cinema to watch a normal movie at a 3D cinema just because IMAX has bigger screens.

Wishing for sequels? DreamWorks has already given the greenlights to two sequels. Yeah! Now it's all up to Michael Bay, or anyone who will agree to take the job of fulfilling fans' fantasies of seeing live-action robots on screen again.

I was thinking of writing a review on Transformers right after watching it. Heck. That was last week, and I still don't feel like writing anything. I did a short review on my Friendster, though. I'll write something on it once I feel like writing. Heh...

Just go and watch the movie. I bet you won't regret it. No, don't wait for the pirated CDs and DVDs to come out first. It'll be too late. Enjoy while it's still hot. Yum yum!

Hot Jobs

Listening to "You can never get a good job in that field," or "There is no future in that," or something similar is actually tiring. I am talking about the course I am currently enrolled in, and have another year to complete before I can choose to go to a higher degree or get a job or just leave the whole four years wasted and start from scratch - Computer Science (CS).

People in my beloved country has been fed with "There is no future in Computer Science," way more often than they have taken their daily multivitamin supplements, if they have ever taken any. I often get "the look" from people when I said that I am taking CS.

"IT?"

Duh! CS is more than just IT, OK? Software engineering, cryptography, signal/audio/ video processing, network and database, multimedia, digital arts... The list is almost endless.

To those who says that Computer Science has no future, look at yourself. Most probably you are just a somebody who can't find a place to fit into the group of geeks like us, and you can't understand even the simplest things we are talking about. And the words are just some simple abbreviations. We don't talk computer jargons in public. Haha.

That sounds truly rude, don't you think so? But hey, some people do look at us like we are some non-human thingy, you know.

Anyway, here's what I really wanted to share with you. Top 10 Jobs Where Employers Come Looking for YOU.

P/s - two jobs out of ten are in CS field. Hehe...

Anything... Whatever...

I came across this post on a blog while i was surfing the Internet. I was on a quest of searching for the most reliable free online SMS service that doesn't require the recipient to be a member of the same service I am considering to use. *sigh*

The reality of not having money when you need it the most bites me now. Knowing at the back of my mind that I have my money stashed in someone else's pocket somewhere (with an amount of money that I can buy a phone exactly like the one I just lost) pinches me on the cheek hard. And the fact that the people aforementioned won't be able to give me the money right now when I really need it and can only give it when I already have some money in my wallet doesn't help much. No, the sum of the money is not all that huge. And I only use cheap phone. No colour-screen, no MP3, no camera, no 3G.

Back to the post. My days are full of craps lately and I don't feel like giving any kind of response to anybody. Maybe the things shown on the post could really help me somehow. At least I don't have to make any specific decision on my drinks and I won't get scold for not helping of giving anything specific in mind because the things really exist.

P/s - the stuff are known to be sold in Singapore. I haven't seen them yet. Maybe someday it will hit the shelves. Maybe...

Break-up Letters

I found this in the SparkPeople Motivation Articles section. Break-ups are hard, aren't they? Give yourself a good dose of laugh. Especially if you're having a hard time dieting.

Who Says Nature is Boring?

Here is another interesting site I found: Earth Erotica. Warning: Not for perverts or children under 18 of age who have the tendencies to act weirdly after being exposed to adult contents.

This is not a porn site, but Mother Nature sure shows her sexy side. And if you want and you have the money, you can even buy prints!

For those who love fine arts (and fine arts, if you know what I mean), check this site out. The photography technique is, I can say, stunning. You'll never look at the rock's cracks the same way again.

Dirty thoughts:
This site can serve as some sort of entertainment, providing that you have just enough imagination. Haha... This site is workplace- and school-safe, I guess.

Enjoy.