Tell Me This is Not a Joke

I was watching Goong, the Korean drama series that made me fell asleep almost everytime. I was trying to waste my time and make myself tired so I can go to bed early tonight.

I was texting with my *lalala...* for a while after I took my evening shower when he suddenly went quiet. That was when I started watching Goong. Then an SMS came from him. He sent it wrong. It was meant for the GF. I replied, telling him that.

That SMS made my heart ached. I felt that way since the first time I fell head over heels for him, everytime he sent the wrong message meant for her to me. I can always recognise his words for her - he always call her "Honey."

I took a brave step asking him questions with no answers. I have been thinking of this thing for too many times.

I wished for a guy just like him. Sort of a twin, a clone or something. Anything. I just want to move on. Wouldn't it be great if he could be with her, without me interrupting? And Yours Truly with a clone of him, just the two of us, and I don't have to wait for someone who treats me good just because he knew how desperately I want him to treat me good. If only he understands what I really meant when I asked him such questions.

He didn't understand that. Maybe he never will. He asked me why am I saying such things, asking him such questions. And he told me something that made my heart ached even more.

There was something going on between them. Not good thing. They were quarreling over something. He said she told him that she is now bored with him.

Her statement shattered my heart like a baseball bat breaking a glass. And I know it breaks his too. I wish I could make her see. And make him see that I have been waiting patiently for him just so I can sit next to him and watch him smile.

And she is being very ungrateful, saying such a disheartening thing when she already knew what she is to him, how important she is to him. She stole him from me when I had tried my best to keep him happy.

She did make him happy when she took him away from him, because he was longing for her very badly, he failed to see my heart aching everytime I was with him, trying to make him happy. Like an arrow to the heart, no matter how you try to take it out, it hurts you a lot, whether you try to pull it out, or force it out by pushing it deeper, puncturing the heart and flesh more.

How can she said that to him? Bored? What is this? Some kind of a game where you can just stop when you are tired and resume whenever you feel like it?

I wish he would let me stay with him. I am lying to myself if I say I am not expecting anything from him. But being friends, the closest I can be, would be far better than letting him alone, especially when things turned to be this way. Am I crazy if I say letting him go to some other girl would make me happier than when I have to accept that he is still hoping for her? Call me crazy, but I just hate her for disappointing him over and over again. Maybe she knew all the time that his heart will always have a space for her, a space that nobody has the chance to be in. Well, at least not yet.

I wish her dead. Or at least please find someone that can make her happy. A rich guy who can shower her with all sorts of materials she wishes for. A guy who won't say anything about whatever thing she wants to do. A guy who can pleases her heart so she will appreciate him and leave my *lalala...* alone. I wish she would see love as something people can buy with money, just so that the highest bidder will get her love. And I know she'll be happy being showered with wealth and freedom.

I just want to scream "BL**P!!!" to her, just to satisfy myself. And I really wish he would see that in her.

I still can't believe she could use the word 'bored'. I would give everything just to trade place with her for a moment. I wish he would love me like he loves her.

I wish...