Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Long Year

I can't believe it has been a year since Charlie actually asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was just another I-got-dumped-and-just-need-you-to-comfort-me-until-I-get-back-with-her-again moment. I gladly (oh, really?) accepted the 'job'. That's what I promised him years ago. I only wanted him to be happy.

He asked me on the 18th actually. A day after the ex-girlfriend got a new boyfriend. It's pretty obvious that he only wanted to fill her place just so he won't fell empty inside. So I gave him the options to leave me whenever he felt ready. It doesn't matter if he's going back to the girl or find another girl. I'm pretty much used to his "No, I'm gonna make this relationship happens" and later catch him already with the girl behind my back. That's what friends are for.

And the fact that we're hundreds of miles away made me believe that things won't work out for us. He 'cheated' me back then when I can see him everyday and we had lunch or dinner together for almost everyday. So what can a long-distance relationship promise me? Absolutely nothing.

But it happened anyway. Hundreds of miles away, communicating through Skype and phone everyday. Then a few days before my birthday last year he went million miles away from me. He promised me he would be faithful. And I reminded him that the option is still available.

I'm glad we managed to get through the year pretty well. Last month he told me to be prepared for a big surprise when he comes back home. So I have about a month of waiting to do. Hmm...

Oh, about the ex-girlfriend. I think she's a psycho. Or maybe she got some loose screw somewhere in her head. The time she dumped Charlie she actually asked me why don't I become his girlfriend, to which I replied that is his to decide, and I will keep him company for as long as he wishes me to, as a friend. Then I heard how she badmouthed me for stealing him from her. And now she broke up with her boyfriend I think she'll hate me even more. Whatever!

Queenie said she can't wait to hear some good news from me and Charlie. Well, Queenie dear, don't worry. You'll be in my top list of people to get my invitation if things are getting more serious between us ;)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Gone and Missing

He's gone. And I missed him.

It has been three weeks since my Brother is gone. Times and times again, especially when I am all alone I'll break down and cry. Just like right now.

I had this same thought over and over again. I grew my six early years up without him. I got him as an unwelcomed early birthday present on my sixth birthday. He was born on April 27th. Mine? 28th.

I didn't like him coz I know he'll get the best of everything in his life being the youngest and the only (long awaited) son. And yes, I was right on that one. Not long after that I became a bully. Once I kicked the air above his head, but somehow something went wrong and it went to his face. And he was only a kindie kid (or was it when he was in his early years of school?). His nose bled. I was scolded for that, but I felt great.

I felt great when I can pick on him and get my parents scold him. Why? Coz that rarely happens, and when it happened it was like watching a miracle in front of my very eyes. Like one time we were fighting over something and he used foul language and I slapped him for that, and when Mom was about to scold me I told her about the improper word he just said, and he was scolded for that. And I secretly let an evil grin ran across my lips.

Then he grew up being a boy with lots of questions in his mind, and I became his Information Center. He followed me a lot. He listened to what I listened to. He asked me what to wear. We played video games together. I even get to be the first player in one video game coz I was good at it and he was not. What's his are mine and what's mine are his. Almost. We swapped things. Bags. Tees. Pants. Shoes. And sometimes I sleep in his room when he's at school and he didn't say anything about it.

This morning I had chocolate milk for breakfast. Dad bought three cartons a couple of weeks ago. That amount would normally lasts for a week or so. Now it took longer since my Brother is gone. The two of us usually empty a carton in one day. Two glasses of choc milk for each. Now I only drink one small cup a day. There's no fun drinking it alone. And the rest of my family rarely drink choc milk the way we both do.

A few months ago he asked me what should he do after school. He told me he wanted to take Computer Science and I told him to go for something else. We chatted a lot a few weeks ago. He talked about going to college, getting a license, getting a car. There are some stuff he wanted to which I wanted to reply: You can use mine and I'll get another one for you later. And some stuff I wanted to apologised to him about. Somehow those words got stuck in my throat, and I thought of getting the little stuff he wanted with my allowance. And the car he wanted? I thought of getting it once I graduated and have a job to pay for it, so we can share the car.

But those things didn't happen and won't be happening now he's gone. And the song If You're Gone by Matchbox Twenty keeps playing in my head.

There's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

Everything. From the buds earphone and thumb drive I'm using everyday now to the jackets we swapped a few months back, the chocolate milk I drink, the hard disk we bought with my money to be put in his PC last year. And how can I forget about the bags we swapped. He took my backpack for his final trip and I took his sling bag to work. And the last message I sent to him asking for my money back a few hours before the tragedy happened.

The last thing I said to him right before he left home: Get me some souvenirs. He didn't buy me anything. But I have lots of souvenirs to keep.

There's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Sometimes I love surprises. Sometimes I don't. Most of the time I love them. Especially if no one ever gave me a clue on it. Ever. (Read: Surprise party, presents, all the good stuff...)

Charlie kept on saying stuff like "I have a surprise for you. Just wait and be prepared." All I could think of was an expensive gift. Something I would wish he would not buy. So I can have the money spent on something else I want. Hehe...

Last time he called and said he has something for me, I kept on asking what kind of surprise. I don't really like the nervousness of thinking what could the surprise possibly be. I hate cluttering my already cluttered head with 'surprise'. And he told me he got me a Hard Rock Cafe sweater. Yay! Now I know what his gift is I don't have to think about it anymore. But I kept on thinking about it anyway. I'd love to see what the sweater looked like. Maybe I could wear it everyday.

Just now he called. And he said something about "Just wait for a surprise from me." What? The not-so-surprise-anymore sweater is not the surprise he told me about?

I asked him again. This time he said just wait and see. And just be prepared for it. And he said don't be surprised if a rombongan come one day. Any day.

Erkk... I really am surprised now. Is that a joke or what? What should I expect? From his tone it doesn't sound like he's 100% serious about it. But who knows? There's 50:50 chance he meant what he said.

I'm not ready for that kind of surprise. Even if he told me 1000 times and 1000 years earlier. So I have this written in my mind with permanent marker: THIS IS JUST A JOKE.

Yup. I'm going to take it as a joke. He often made me feel confused and curious. And enjoy every moment of it. He loves messing with my head, making me scratch my head and mess my already messy hair.

Whatever thing he's planning for the 'surprise' I'm living with this mantra right now: HE IS JOKING. What he told me is not real. He'll laugh at me when he saw me panicking at the thought of him meeting my parents for something THAT serious.


So I'm focusing my energy on the sweater he bought me. Can't wait for that one.