Thursday, March 29, 2007

What the Bl**p?

Tonight, as I sit at the Cafe, waiting for my meal to be prepared, with Queenie and Sakura at the table and Miss President at the table next to us, a very disheartening news for our Club, the SH. The guy who worked for the College's Arts & Cultural Unit replied our SMS late. It was not the late reply that made us mad. It was the content of his SMS.

We, the Club members have been spending our precious time for our beloved Club. We love singing. We love the Club, spending some precious studying (or lazing) hours practicing the new Anthem seems like nothing compared to the satisfaction (accompanied by maybe some frustration) gained. We love what we are doing. And we worked hard on getting the team ready for the Day.

What day? Well, on the 1st of April the College is going to have an official launch of its new name and logo. The re-branding thingy mentioned before. We were supposed to sing at the event, together with the Staff (they have their own choir group). The event will take place at the J. W. Marriott Hotel. We were excited when we were told that. I guess everybody was looking towards the event, as it will be considered as the College's historical day. Who doesn't want to be in the College's once-in-a-lifetime history? It's a one-time event. Be in it and you'll be proud of yourself. And being in a prestigious place? That it totally awesome.

But we are facing with a very BIG problem. The Big People of the College is indecisive. The date is getting near and the Anthem is not yet confirmed. God! We only have a few days to get everything prepared! We were damn positive the Staff will, at the very last minute, cancel their plan to sing and leave everything to us, the Students. We had already gathered every eligible members to join, in case such thing really happened. We managed to gather more people that we were expected to (they requested for 10, but we managed to get 17 confirmed members to join, just in case). Some people from the Orchestra helped us out during our practices. They were also preparing themselves for the Day.

Anyway, back to the SMS we received. We sent the SMS to the guy at around 5.30 p.m. He replied at 10.17 p.m. That was late, considering the technology we are using now. Hmm... Anyway, he told us (Yours Truly and Queenie) that the plan of getting us, the SH, to sing is no longer valid. In simple words - WE ARE DUMPED! THE ANTHEM SINGING PART IS CANCELLED!!!!

Yes, I feel like screaming. Queenie actually did at the Cafe. She was somewhat furious over the message. I understand her feelings. After what we had done. The practices. The time wasted. I would be very disappointed too...

It was not his fault. He was only delivering the information. But we somehow let our fury to him. Poor guy, but then again, he deserves something like that because everytime we ask him stuff, he only answers "I don't know." Grr...

The Big People of the College decided not to have Choir team (it doesn't matter now if it is an all-Staff team or an all-Student team or the mix of both) singing the Anthem at the event. What? I thought an official event like that should include the College Anthem since we DO have an Anthem now, but is not yet decided which one is the correct and approved version (yes, we have two actually!) and the National Anthem and the State Anthem. What a waste!

Anyway, we are actually expecting an even more surprising news by the Big People later. Based on our calculations, we expected the Big People will, at the very very last minute will take back their words (on cancelling the Anthem singing by the Choir team) and pick us, the SH, to sing at the event.

Queenie had made up her mind. We, the SH will not tolerate such a ridiculous request (read: order) should the matter arises. But I will, given that we are getting some kind of compensation (read: payment! We need the money!!!) for having to go through lots of trouble for it. Hehe... *nasty smile*

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I read a shout this morning. Somebody mentioned about this blog being too personal. This is a personal blog, but it is TOO personal for some people as I posted a lot on my relationship with my *lalala...* lately. The person mentioned said all I wanted to do is not write a blog but actually tell people how things are going between me and him, and the GF.

True, I noticed that too. So true, I even mentioned on being sick of writing things about us. Yup. Read that particular post again. It was the first thing I mentioned. Then why do you still write about it? I heard some invisible voice saying to me. Well, this is my blog, where I share what I want to share. Nobody is obliged to read anything. Some people will think it really is just a drama I created to get people's sympathy. Maybe. Sometimes we need some dramas in our lives. Not everybody have the guts of living a drama. Most people prefer just to be a spectator, rather than being in the drama itself. And most will say, "If it was me in that place, I'll..."

The things between us also made me look really shallow. I noticed that too. But this blog really is for Queenie's reading pleasure. She knows how shallow I am, how childish I am, and how, if I want to, mature I am.

I don't write on politics, I'm truly sorry about that. Politics is not my game. But, if given a topic, and asked for opinions, I will try my best to say what I want to say, generally. Politics, for me, is just another word game. You find the right words to say what you feel about things going on around you. That is how politics works. That is how debates start. That is how you gain people around you. Pro-? Anti-? It is all about playing with your words.

I don't follow my Country's political scene (read: political parties or anything related with them) much. The politics here is too dirty to my liking. There is always people with money, who can make things happens, but don't want anything to happen, and people who want things to happen, but don't have the money to make them happens. That is not a fair game, and I don't like that. But then again, that's politics.

I prefer discussing things generally. I love good arguments, with people who can take win and lose equally, and especially love people who win but decided to lose if I start to act weird. Haha :P But seriously, I love good arguments. I am sorry I am not born a debater, or ever taught/learned to be one. But intellectual talks and discussions will get my attention. I am not saying that I am intelligent, above-all-minions and greater-than-thou, but intellectual discussion is actually pleasant to my ears and mind. But never ever weave dirty politics into intellectual discussions. I hate that. Be fair. Even if you're a pro- or anti- whichever political parties.

God! I guess this entry has diverted from it's actual purpose. Hell, I will need to make another post to continue discussing on that topic. Hereby, I, buTTerFLowEr, invite you, reader of this personal blog, to give me topics on which, after I have posted them, we can continue debating either at the Comment or the Shout Out.

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Sunday, March 25, 2007


Hell, we're busted! I texted my *lalala...* with the usual sweet name at some reasonable messaging time (dude, my mind is messed up, and so are my words!) Anyway, if any of my words makes any sense, here's what. The GF found out about us! What do I feel about it? I dunno. I wasn't scared or worried. I was in fact relieved, because we no longer have to worry about her finding out about us.

I didn't expect him to pick her up at that time. I guess what he meant was he picked her up from the Airport. And he let her read his phone messages! Dude, I never went through his messages, not even once! Eventhough on many occasions I had seen many names that raise up my level of jealousy and curiosity. I just keep them all inside, pretending like he has no other girls except for me. Even after I found out that they had this lovey-dovey flame back on track. Dude! Please have some respect on his privacy! But when I asked him he just said "I let her," and nothing more. He loves him so much, he doesn't want me to blame her on anything. And he could always ask me to leave him and go for another guy. Does he have to do that to me? Always? *sigh*

Anyway, I guess she is somehow in some kind of rage now. I mean, I was the one who actually begged her to apologise to him and forget the whole stupid break-up thing and just be happy like they used to. She refused. Her ego was too big she was actually expecting him to beg her as if it was his fault! Stupid bl**p!

I was expecting my cellphone's inbox to be full of assaults and insults (they rhymed well, don't you think?) or maybe some accusation of me being bl**py. Or a devil who pretended to be all nice but are actually the one who is breaking them up! Whatever. I am going to keep quiet for as long as I can. I'm not scared of her. I'm not going to cower when she attacks me (try me, verbally or physically!) My cellphone is not going to bother me right at this moment. I guess I have some sort of Angel with me, who made me accidentally left my phone in Mo's car. Haha... He'll drop by tonight to return it. Until then, nobody's going to bother me with silly messages. Haha :D Sweet...

If she ever has the guts to attack me in the phone saying I'm stealing her boyfriend, I will make things clear for her. She broke up with him and I did try hard to put things back together in which she continuously refuses my offer to be the one who can help in fixing things up. I was their in-betweener. She bragged about having some other guys on tow, she could just pick one or the other at any time. Then when I had securely have my place beside him (he made the move, OK? He even asked me if I noticed the difference in the way he treated me. Yes I noticed but I pretended for a few while not noticing, just to be safe), she came back and claimed her place and now is the Queen of his heart again and she has the rights to say I'm guilty? No way! She is the one who is stealing from me. And I even kept the messages from him saying that he doesn't want me to leave him. I gave him options, and he had chosen to keep me. It wasn't my fault she was no longer the Only One. She should either back off or thank me for sharing. (Haha... Now the selfish me really want her to back off or thank me, or both!) Who says I'm all sweet and nice? Hang around me often, and you'll know not to mess up with me, OK dear GF? Just keep things quiet and none of us will have to leave this relationship, hurting one another or anything. I'm lost of words now, but you understand well, I guess.

I'm going to sleep now. I am waiting for his explanation on this, but it seems like he doesn't want to respond to any of my messages. He needs a break. WE need a break.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

How It Started - Food Pictures on Endless Story

I posted this on Endless Story, the Feast section. Anyway, I guess I am just not used to writing in my language. Sorry Kid! I know you really want me to write things not in English. Maybe I'm just used to expressing things in English. Yeah, sometimes we can't get the right words for the feelings, but then again it's simpler in English. Thanks Nate, for being cool about it.

How It Started

We have friends who have a blog, PerutBesi, on mostly food. There are occasional posts on things not related to food, but most of the posts are on food (with pictures!)

We have no intention of competing with the PerutBesi on food. We just happened to be inspired by them, taking food pictures as we go out to eat. It is really fun.

The first attempt is taking pictures of food when we went out to TC. It turned out pretty good, we actually fell in love with food photos! We took the "after" pictures, but I didn't realise that it was as fun as taking the "before" pictures. It was not until some picture-taking trips I realised I have fallen in love with the "after" pictures too. We even joked on playing a guessing game. Guess what the dish was before it became the "after" picture?

Amateurs, indeed. We try our best to make the food looks very good in the pictures. We usually have multiple shots taken per food, changing the modes of the camera to get the best one. It is hard to take the pictures especially when the place uses yellow light bulbs to light the place. And it is also hard for us to take pictures when there are many people staring at us, being interrupted by the flash of the camera (the little camera has very powerful flash, it blinds! Haha! Sorry for the lame joke!)

Anyway, it has become an activity we enjoy doing. We order different items from the menu and have a taste at everything. It is fun! And we don't need to have any reason to grab the camera and take pictures! Who said the dinner has to be special? And i mean dinner, the evening meal, and not Dinner, the dinner party with round table for ten and silverwares and folded napkins.

Youth is too short to be wasted. We are stepping towards the end of our crazy moments into the serious adulthood. Taking pictures bring no harm to anybody. We are going to continue taking food pictures, as well as silly pictures of us.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Some people are mistaking my relationship with Nate. To those who are expecting more of us, I'm sorry. We are just friends. Close, maybe, but just friends. He's been treating me well. I admit that. But that doesn't mean that we are in a serious relationship now.

Maybe right now people are seeing "everything Nate" in me. "Let me ask Nate first." "Nate says he could take us out." "Nate is driving." "I'll ask Nate if he can help us out." "Nate is out to town. He asks if anyone wants anything." Things are pretty much like that now. The biggest event that made people think that we have something going on is when I attended the Dinner party. It was silly. I tried to join Queenie's dinner party but they have no seats left so I had to let it pass. But this Dinner party, Nate managed to get a seat for me. The same dress? Well, I happened to have the same dress his band mates were thinking of wearing, so I thought it would be fine wearing something similar. Maybe because we were late and I went into the hall with him, that made us looked like we really have something going on. I'm pretty sure they are forgetting ignoring the fact that Loey was with us that night, just to tease Nate. But if anybody ever ask, I will definitely say "Yes, I'm his date for tonight." Haha :P

If you missed my point, please refer to my previous post, What Happened to Us? I still am in the complicated relationship with my *lalala...*, and I'm not going to give up really soon. I'm glad I have friends to turn to when I'm dealing with this sticky situation.

A short public announcement:

Great news to single girls out there, Nate is single and available (yes, Nate, I am hereby advertising you to the world) and you can drop a message here in case you want to contact him. He probably will your message in the Shout Out section or right here, at the Comment. And if you're lucky enough he'll contact you. If he doesn't, I'll have him do that. Haha...

My personal description on him: He's a really nice guy who can easily melt girls' heart if only he knows how. (Tsk tsk... We'll need a reinforcement to make that happens. Or a miracle!) He's a great guy (nothing about his size OK?) who often helps his friends in any way he could (Nate, please don't tell me you're doing that only to girls, or to me!) He's a guy you can share your laugh with. You can be really silly in front of him and he will not laugh in front of you (but I know he often tries his hard not to laugh in front of me when I do silly things because he is being polite, but then he'll tease me about it later. Grr...) He's a guy who often gives compliments, so if you're his girlfriend you'll be very lucky, compared to girls who seldom receive compliments from their partners (Yours Truly included). He's a responsible guy. Well, he is expected to be one. I'm not going to mention on how much ka-ching he has in his bank accounts. I'm not, because I don't know anything about his bank accounts. And the fact that he is pretty sick of people saying anything about his wealth. My *lalala...* and I almost had this stupid fight when he said how good life is being rich like Nate, and how he (my *lalala...*) couldn't afford to pay for everything when we go out, unlike Nate who can easily pay for everything and I'll be better off with Nate. (God! Money isn't everything you silly! I don't expect anybody to pay for my stuff.) Did I mention about his ride? It's really cool and he often offers his buddies a ride to town or to anywhere they want to go. (I hate the fact that I will have to sit in front if there is no other guy tagging along, or there are too much guys tagging along, they'll sit at the back. Protocol, like Loey said, and I do understand it well, but I hate seatbelt!)

To Nate, sorry I'm playing Cupid here. But you sure have to give yourself a go. Get a girlfriend (I know everybody has been giving you some sort of nudge on this and you are pretty tired of it). But I hope if you ever find a girl of your dreams and she has become your girlfriend, she won't ask you to desert our friendship (I know how girls can be really jealous over girl-boy friendship of their significant other). Cheers to what we have now. (^_^)

To people who are expecting more of us, here's my say. You can wish for things to happen between us (just friends, more than friends, friends no more, whatever you wish for), but Time and Fate will decide. And I still have my *lalala...* so things are not easy as you think they are. I can't say a definite "Yes" or a definite "No" coz I often stuck in an unexpected situation in which I have to bow down and eat my words. God! I hate that! Wish me well, I truly appreciate it! (^_^)

Another Newsflash

I have been working on some drafts. Some are now posted. Some are still pending. You'll need to dig into the Archives for the posts. I noticed some small mistakes in my previous posts. I fixed that too. It will take some time to go through every post and correct the little mistakes. I'll leave that to Time. If I come across any, I will definitely have it fixed.

My computer is not in it's top condition right now. I need to do more clean-ups more often. There are junks to get rid of, and space to recover. I need to give this machine a break. Luckily there are no big projects to be completed immediately, or my computer will definitely break down. Huhu~

I haven't spend any time on Endless Story. I will work on it when I have the time. Sorry, Miss President!

I can't guarantee any new posts for the time being. I will write if I have stuff to write about. The Club practice is tomorrow night. I might have some stuff to post here. And maybe some articles from the newspaper. Or anything. I will try my best to post more.

Gambatte ne!!! p(^_^)q

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


I'm sure many are tired with stories on my relationship. It was always my *lalala...* lately. I'm pretty tired of it too... But this is where I let most of my feelings out. This is my channel. Sorry if you people thought I am shallow just because I write a lot on my relationship and problems.

I'm trying hard to write on other stuff. I had many things going on right now. I need to take one step at a time. I'm not feeling very well lately, so things are going to be a bit slow.

I munch on a lot of junkfood lately, I gained some few more pounds I guess. I look really chubby and round now. I guess people around me DO notice my changes. I need some genius to formulate some kind of slimming chocolate. *sigh*

My computer had been quite an annoyance since a virus infection (I still can't figure out how the bl**p the virus infected my computer) a few weeks ago. *sigh* I managed to delete the Virus manually but everytime I tried to access the drive an error message popped up saying the file (the Virus). The file was restricted to read-only. Hidden read-only. Urghh... That was bl**p annoying. Just now a brilliant idea hit my head and I, hoping for some luck, tried it. I used a Shredder to delete it, since any scan or search (with hidden files opted to be shown) failed to find it. I am lucky it worked. But I might need to have my computer rebooted to see whether the file really is gone for good.

I'm looking forward to more positive surprises. I need to forget things. And remember A WHOLE LOT more.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Role Play

The Mandarin class today was a mess. We had a test where we were required to create some dialogues based on lessons we have learned throughout the class. Learning Mandarin. That was the title I got for this task. We were given a week to create the dialogues and practice with our partners.

I am always a late-doer. After searching for some lines to be spoken in front of the class, I had some short practice. God! It was tiring. I tried really hard, I thought I had memorised the lines pretty well.

Then, when I was in the class, everything changed. I went totally blank. I hate the fact that no matter how well-prepared I am, I often had problems with tests. Or quizzes. Or anything that gives me some kind of pressure. Everything I had prepared will just vanish into thin air, leaving me totally dumb. I guess I need some kind of training on handling nervousness.

I'm not sure if all the activities done right before the role play started was

Like the previous speaking test where we were required to prepare sentences (individually), this time was also a disaster. I forgot all the lines I had memorised earlier (I did try my best, you can ask my Roomies where, on both occasions, I put on my headphones and said the words out loud like I was chanting some Mantra). I had to refer to the text in my hand. Arghh!!! It was bl**p frustrating.

Anyway, things went so-so for me. I noticed how terrible I was in front, compared to the rest of the class. Never mind. It was a past already. It can't be changed. At least I don't have to think about it again. Ever.

The class ended. We were expected to complete our coursework and study for the coming test. I just hope the marks on the speaking test and the role play and all the coursework and tests (other than speaking) are good enough for me to pass the subject. Haha...

Monday, March 19, 2007

Say Hello to the New Us!!!

Yeah!!! The College is going to have a new name, a new image. We are no longer just a college student. But I prefer being a College student anytime. Haha... New everything? Not really. We still have the same Big People running the College. The rules are changing, being more ridiculous than ever! Same old mindset. Same old management. Same old management issues. We need a HUGE change in that!!!

Anyway, I'm not going to rant about the management now. I'm going to talk about the CLUB!!! Yeah! I'm so excited now the Club will be back to the active track really soon. We are going to have practices and lots of fun together.

Some of us have attended the first College's Anthem practice. I mean, the NEW College's Anthem. Ermm... Actually I'm not sure whether we can call it anthem, but I checked with Brian, that's the closest word we came up with in mind. Anyway, the new song is still a lot like the old one. A few words are modified, but the song is different now. I faced some troubles getting the correct song. Most of us did, because we are used to the old one.

We sang the Anthem last night at the BBQ party last night, organized by the Big Club (we are just a sub), and I guess we are ready for the Club's practice. It sounded great last night, we had no problem singing the new one in front of the rest. I'm not talking about the newbies. Only a handful of us came to the first practice so not everybody, including Queenie, knows the Anthem. Luckily I recorded the practice session, just in case the new Anthem is far different from the old Anthem. The recording was very helpful.

The new Anthem is written by the very same Coach we used to know. He was there, right in front of us (the small bunch of us) at the first practice. He is still very much the same like the First Assembly of the Club used to know. The practice session was still the same stuff we learned a year ago. I bet the First Assembly members can still recall how things were like last year, what bring us closer within a very short time.

We are getting a new Coach next semester. We need a Coach who is close to the College and can come on regular basis. Our First Coach resides in another state, we only had a few practice sessions with him before the biggest event last year, the Graduation Day. I guess we were lucky, we turned out performing well during the Graduation Day. But I guess we were too tired for the next day's performance at the Mall, for the Expo. I hope we can beat that this time. Proper training for everyone. Yeah!!!

I am still so excited about this comeback of the Club. We are going to be the best Club ever!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention about the big event coming on 1st of April. We are going to perform again! In front of the Public! Yeah!!! I sure hope I will be selected to join it. Joining big, official, important events are great!(^_^)

What Happened to Us?

Well, to those who are wondering what happened between me and my *lalala...* (and also the GF), here's what: He's still with me. Good huh? Happy ending. Sort of. He is still with the GF. Yup. They are still together. We are still together. He keeps the GF and me. Unbelievable? I expected such thing to happen since our first girlfriend/boyfriend outing.

I thought I was ready for it, but I have to admit, I don't. I feel like crying hearing his voice on the phone. I felt the same pain not hearing anything from him too. In fact, I was the one who called. I called him right after he said he woke up. At least I waited for him to wake up first.

Now, what is happening to us? He's with me secretly. He's with the GF like they used to be. She's the third person now, getting in the middle of our relationship. But we, me and my *lalala...* need to keep ours secret. How fair the world is. Maybe one day she will ask him to bring me along to their date so she can meet me, his friend, who had wished them well and who had tried her best to get them back together like right now. I can imagine that happening. What if she holds his hand in front of me? What if he kisses her in front of me? What if she kisses him in front of me? What if I have to watch them do whatever things they do, being invisible?

I often have this strange image drawn in my mind. A girl and a guy is kissing, and one of his hand is holding another girl who walked in another direction. She is turning away, walking away from him. He doesn't want to let her go. He holds her hand behind him. The girl he is kissing doesn't notice what is happening. She closes her eyes while they are kissing. I have the scene sketched beautifully in my mind's piece of paper. I think it described me well long before this mess happened. Way long before it happened. Now, if only I could draw or sketch really well. I would draw the image prettily and give it to him. I hope he will understand what I feel. I actually have a storyline for the simple sketch. And the story is not as simple as the image itself. I guess I was given a peek at my own future, and only now I realise how closely the thing I had in mind from a few years ago, with what is happening now. If only I have the talent to express things beautifully. Maybe I could draw a comic, manga-style, and get some money for it. But I don't. I don't have the talent to do so.

I don't know how far can I stand being in this relationship. I'm not going to walk away from it for this time being. I need to find the strength, to either stay, or walk away. Both are draining my energy. Both are sucking the life out of me. Both are killing me. God, help me. I need the strength to get through this.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


So it was true. What I've felt these days. No. Make it months. I thought it was just my Mind playing some trick on me, making me feel insecure everyday. I thought it wasn't real.

Just now I received a message from my *lalala...* asking me whether I have been messaging with the GF yesterday. I did last night. But I didn't quickly admit it. He asked me what have we talk about. I didn't answer that either. Instead, I asked him what she told him.

He told me the most heartbreaking thing. "Why didn't you tell her about us?" That was what she asked him. She said she was running out of credit, and the message last night was the last she could send me. I don't know if it was a lie, to stop me from texting her. But I sent her a message. "So now you guys are back together? Glad to know that."

That message was eating me inside. Glad? How could I be glad? I lied to myself. I lied to her. I lied to myself. At least the question gave me the answer I've been searching in return. Glad?

I remembered my dream some few nights ago. What's happening now is just like what has happened in that dream. I knew about them by accident, through SMS. The pain was killing me, like my life was being squeezed out of my heart. I woke up from the dream. I feel the pain now. But this time I won't be able to wake up from the dream, no matter how painful I feel. I'll have to live with the pain until it heals. But when?

I wonder what Death feels like.


I just went back from lunch. As usual, the food is bland. I ate without interest. I was with Miss President. The others decided to eat later. They had brunch earlier.

I almost finished eating my lunch when Miss President suddenly looked at a direction and asked "Isn't he done with his studies already?" I turned back to the direction, expecting a face I might recognise but whose name I never know. I was wrong.

There he was, a face very familiar to me. The guy who had often haunted my mind lately. Another Asano moment? I'm not sure. I felt like crying. I noticed my behaviour went from OK to just so-so. But Miss President didn't notice that. Maybe my strange reaction towards what I just saw was no different from my reaction to the food I was eating. I ate silently, finishing what was left on my plate.

I prayed for my tears not to pool in my eyes. I thanked God when Miss President talked like I was acting very normal. She was talking about him and his girlfriend. MJ who was eating with us just now went up to him and they had a short chat. I took a quick glance. I was glad nobody noticed me acting strange.

My heart was filled with pain. I have felt this way since the past few weeks. The pain was magnified with his presence, especially when I know that he is here, now.

Who is he? He is my ex #1. The one guy who made me cry and lost my own self for a long period. A guy who left me broken. A guy who, despite his own words to remain as a friend I can turn to, turned me away when I asked for help. I need something to hold on to while I was healing. He left me with none. Not even when the help I was seeking had nothing to do with what happened between us. He was the one who took my Little Faith away. Now Little Faith is lost, I wondered how she's going to make her way home to me.

I glanced at his direction. Either it was my luck he didn't notice I looked at him, or he pretended not to notice. Or maybe I was completely vanished from his life ever since he left me two years ago. Because everytime I saw him here, visiting his girlfriend, he never seemed to notice me. He never react like I was something to him.

I am still wondering when will I be able to let the painful memory go completely. I hope my Little Faith will come home soon.

Heal me, please.


I thought my blog will never get spammed as this blog is practically unknown by people. Only a few knows about it and most of them are from my own circle of friends. But hey, look what I've found! Not long after my previous post Lying I found a comment. From someone I don't know, in a language I don't understand. Hmm... A personal blog like mine get spammed? That is like a joke. Well, I need something to amuse me anyway :P

Monday, March 12, 2007


I have been lying to a lot of people lately. And I have been lying to myself for almost my entire life. Just now I SMSed the GF, asking for her help if she could talk to him. I told her he often skip his sleep and meals lately. I know she could do something about it because they contact each other often. She told me he sleeps and eats like he always do. Maybe a bit lesser than he used to. But he is sleeping well and eating well. I guess they are now together. Without him telling me anything about it. I guess this is the time I have to leave. Should I bid him goodbye? Or should I just walk away silently? I'm trying to collect some strength to walk away from this. But I doubt it would be easy.

Thursday, March 8, 2007


I am currently working on a new site (I think it still can be considered as blogging). We are still very new to it. We are still working on the contents. It will not be in 100% English. I am looking forward to write things not in English. I think it's going to be pretty challenging for me. I mean, how can I express the bl**pings then? Haha :D But the site is not intended for bl**pings. We'll try our best in putting good contents in it. ENDLESS STORY.

No new posts? Well, I'm working on finishing some drafts. Personal posts? Yes, there will be some personal posts coming. When? I'm not really sure when will I have the mood to finish them, but I'm trying my hardest.
p( ' - ' )q Gambatte!

I am sorry if lately it seems like I ran out of ideas. I read other blogs and write posts based on the things I read. Well, if originality is expected, I am truly sorry. But I guess discussing on the same matter through different perspective is OK, don't you think? BTW, I am going to write on College Re-branding. I was thinking of doing it earlier when I saw the titles of a Debate Competition here in my College, but Queenie beats me at it. She has good points (well, she's a Debater anyway) and I wrote a very long comment to her entry, but I accidentally clicked 'Cancel' instead of 'Post', so I thought putting a short comment on hers and make it as an entry in mine would be OK.


Can you imagine how painful it is to lose someone you love to his/her ex?

I captured some fragments of conversation between my *lalala...* and the GF. They were together without my knowing. She asked him to leave me. And he decided to do so. I couldn't take that. What happened to his words? What happened to his promises of not keeping things secret when it comes to our relationship? Was he only stayed beside me because of the sympathy he had onto me?

I opened my eyes. The clock showed 3.30 a.m. It was just a dream. But the pain is real, I actually cried. I struggled to catch some breath. The pain was the same pain I felt that made him comforted me through words, the one that made me fell asleep when, only a few minutes before, I was tossing and turning in my bed to get some sleep. I recollected the memories of that particular day and tried to generate the same feelings I had back then. A few minutes later I was able to breathe normally.

I texted my *lalala...* about the dream. He was asleep. I know he was. I was half glad I can tell him about it. I always have the strength to let my emotions out while he was asleep, but I can't find the same strength to talk about these things when we are together. I get to let them out, but I will never know what his responses are. Too many times I let him know my disappointments through texts, right after we parted at the train station. We head our own directions and my hand will quickly pull the phone out and push the keys. A few steps later I push 'Send', but it will be too late for him to turn around and apologise.

I don't expect any replies from him. He doesn't need to explain anything, even if it is true that they are now back into the relationship they had before. I just want to let him know how I feel. But I guess getting some reply from him would be good. I have been worrying too much about this. If only he could make me feel better and safer by telling me things he hadn't.

But somehow deep inside my heart I know he wouldn't give me any answer on this.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Childish - Part 1: Childhood

Queenie always say that I am like a little kid. Childish. Maybe. I dunno...

I looked back at my own life. My history. My story.

I was the second child of three. The third, my bro wasn't a part of the family until I was five plus (he was inside Mom's tummy, but he already existed, so we can count him as one of us). I don't remember how I reacted to the news of getting a baby brother that time. But I can feel that I wasn't really excited about the whole thing.

I had only pieces of my childhood memories. Most of them are fragments of the years after I started to read. I had no pictures of my early years, and I can't recall anything on my birthplace. I don't even have any of my baby pictures. I found my sister's and my brother's. Back then when I was small sometimes I felt like the world was being unfair to me. Now I just don't care. But at times I really wished I could keep my baby pictures and remember how things were back then.

I had mixed feeling when I knew that I was going to study in the town where I was born. I came back to the land after 19 years. I couldn't remember anything about this place. I couldn't recall staying in what house and with whom. A distant cousin told me that she used to take care of me, like a Nanny or something. I couldn't remember anything, I just nodded. It was not impossible. Dad was a Navy, and Mom was a Nurse. Being away from my parents were normal.

I remembered being taken care by a neighbour (I called her "Auntie") when I was a small kid. We lived in the neighbouring country, as the Navy was based there. Mom was not at home, working, I guess. I lived with Dad in the house. Paris, my sister was being taken care by my Aunt, they lived at Granny's house. I still have no clue of why I was being left out, why I stayed at home. But I didn't care much back then. Dad sent me to the "Auntie"'s house before he went to work, I played all day and fell asleep, Dad picked me up at night. I remembered being brought to some social meetings (I'm not really sure what it was, like some sort of women's society, like a Tupperware Party, minus the Tupperware), I watched the women chatted and working on handcrafts or whatever thing they were working on. I didn't remember playing with some other children of my age. But I had freedom of doing whatever thing I wished to do. Most of the time "Auntie" left me with the TV or some toys so I can tire myself to sleep.

My Aunt (not "Auntie") told me that my Mom and Dad had divorced once. I couldn't remember any details about it. Mom wanted to take Paris with her, Dad wanted to take me with him. Back then I didn't care much not having Mom around because I knew Dad was always with me. "Daddy's Girl" was what my sister used to call me. She said he favoured me over her. I never noticed that.

The early years was the period when I grew up close to my family. We didn't have much Family Moments, but I remembered spending some time going out together as a family. Holiday vacations, trips to the park, rides at the Theme Park...

Some of my friends knew about my Mom working in Saudi Arabia. She had been there for a few years now. "It must be hard for you, not having her around." I often get that. No, it is not hard for me. For my brother, maybe, but not for me. Emotionless? Maybe. I was used to it when I was little. I couldn't recall any event that made me spend the whole night crying, missing her.

If only they understand that living under the same roof didn't make us a happy family that when someone is far away the others would fell sick. No. That was only a fairy tale to me. Sorry if my statement hurts your feeling. There are many families I know who are closely bonded with each other. My life was like this: Dad was at home, I was out to school. School holidays, I was at home, Dad was working outstation. Mom was at home, I was out to school. I came back from school, Mom was out to work. Mom was home late at night, I was asleep. Mom often worked the night shift. Dad was an Officer, he needed to go places, several days at a time. I was used to came back from school to the empty house.

Some people thought I quit the Residential School I was in because I was homesick. I only can nod to the statement. Actually I knew my inability to adapt to the School's system. Why go to the School the first place? That was not my decision. It was my parents'. I am pretty glad for the brief moments I had there, the experience I gained. But I never regretted the decision of leaving the School. Between staying at the School and leaving it, I will definitely choose to leave. But it was never because I missed my home and my family. I never had such feelings. I wonder how it actually feels like. Being far away from home, surrounded with friends who try hard to cheer you up while you are crying, saying that you really want to go home.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Annoying Anonymous

I am actually pretty tired with some bl**p bozos who shouted at the Shout Out! on stupid, annoying things. OK, stupid, annoying things are acceptable. I am open to lots of stuff. But using somebody else's name for inappropriate use, that is not acceptable. Especially when I know the person personally!

OK, maybe I don't know people that personally, but impersonating someone I can sit and talk with is annoying. I mean, look, if the person has any question (especially the one considered as inappropriate in the public), the questions will be directly asked to me privately. So, you, the Impersonator, are a total BL**P BOZO, if you know what I mean.

I can take stupid, annoying questions. I've had way too many questions asked in the past. Some are more annoying than what is asked here. But I prefer the Impersonator to use some other name or just plain Anonymous. Please stop pretending. Anyone.

I identify people through the Shout Out! Since most of the people who shout ed are in my circle of friends, I can safely assume this blog is private. I don't want to resort to deleting it just because I am pissed off with some bl**p bozos.

I can set the blog as private, but no, I won't do that. People came to this blog because they are somehow linked with me, my circle of friends. If I set this blog as private earlier, the only reader would be Queenie. The number grows, and these new visitors usually drop a shout at the Shout Out! That is why the Shout Out! is important to me.

So, to any Anonymous out there, you are invited to shout just about anything, but please do so with a proper name. Please do not pretend as somebody else. I appreciate your co-operation.

There. I've had it out.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Freedom - Part 1

I read about a College guy's blog being commented by someone who claimed herself a College Staff. Maybe it was just a prank, maybe she is real. Who knows?

The guy owned a harmless blog where he posts things he feels like posting. The College is far from the town, not everybody have the time to go out and then write things about what they see in town. The guy posted about things in College. Unpleasant things. His entries are not for heavy readings. Just a channel for him to express things. Well, I see it that way. But the one who claimed to be the Staff said his post was inappropriate. Why? Because he posted his dissatisfaction towards the College's system in his blog?

The Big People should not have any kind of fear of what Little People like us (the Students). We have no power of gathering people and holding demonstration on the College's ground, calling the News People and make the Big People look bad on TV and papers. We are just some people writing stuff on the net anonymously for self entertainment.

If the Big People somehow feel threatened by the Little People, maybe it's time for them to get things pointed by the Little People into their consideration. Little People say what Little People see. And there are so many Little People out there, so there must be some truth somewhere. And when some Little People share their views with the public, the Big People should see this as an opportunity of seeing things the Little People's way. Big People help Little People, Little People feel happy, Little People stand up to Big People. That is no rocket science.

But if the Big People don't want to make help the Little People and make them happy, they shouldn't bar the Little People to let the emotions out! But most Big People love playing the Evil Nanny. They want to shut the Little People up completely. Have you ever been scolded by your nanny/parents/guardians they made you want to cry? And when you started sobbing they scold you again for crying? They want to make you fear them. But do you really fear them? At some point the fear actually turned into disgust and hate, you might even cursed at them. (Note: Don't do this to your parents, but I know most of us accidentally did!) Can you imagine a world where you cannot express your happiness, hate and fear? Can you imagine a world where people are not allowed to speak up?

If people are not allowed to have ideas we will still be living in a flat world.

Asano Complex

Lately I had a lot of Asano moments. Short, brief moments, but the thought disturbed me damn much, I was left being absent-minded for the whole day. Like a walking doll.

Asano complex is a term I created. I have had this kind of feeling long enough, but nothing seems to be good to describe it. Watching an episode of Nana gave me the idea for the name.

I won't be explaining a lot about this Asano complex for the time being. But I will write about it. Maybe in a week's time.

Thursday, March 1, 2007


This is an entry taken from my Myspace blog.


Sunday, July 02, 2006


what's so great about the boobie pics? i mean like u don't have other pics to put as ur main pic? or in ur gallery?

i'm not really against flaunting ur assets to get attentions from people (especially straight guys) but ur more than a bimbo with the tits right? show what ur worth...

for those who have great body (supermodel is a no-no. they're stick-thin!) great coz u made me feel jealous. but only if it's not against ur culture. any blonde/redhead/brunette or even pink/blue/green-coloured hair can have my "wow..." AS LONG AS UR NOT A MUSLIM MALAY for God's sake!!! ur just disgracing urself. makes me feel oh-so-low (pointing at myself, not u ok, so don't be mad) bcoz people like u had in some way dragged people like me along to be placed among u.

look, if ur going to do some asset-flaunting (tits, pussy, ass... whatever u wish to flaunt that is not appropriate to be done in front of a minor) please do it in private. get a photo gallery and link it. u can even have private parties where u can invite everybody n say "hey let's take a peek at my boobies" n please make sure everybody is not a minor. take naked photos or sex vids for all i care but keep it private. if ur showing them urs just to get a long list of friends maybe i should recommend u a whore train. u add people, people add u. NO TITS NEEDED.

in short, ur making urself cheap, u make people look at you n say "cheap", u make other people look cheap too (u should really learn about "stereotyping" n how u can really affect other people's life) have some respect on others, PLEASE!!!

i'm not saying i'm a miss-goody-two-shoes who sits perfectly on an imaginary throne where i can just point to a person n say "ur a sinner bcoz u blah blah blah" bcoz i'm not. i'm a sinner too. i just don't want people to label other girls as cheap just bcoz some of u show how cute ur boobies r instead of how cute ur face. doesn't it feel degrading when people talk to u their eyes r on ur boobies, as if ur face is down there, u have ur eyes on ur boobs instead of ur face n u make eye contacts with the eyes on ur boobs.

also, to those ignorants who refuse to learn english and singing sex-flavoured songs (yes u, the busty girl who sings PussyCat Dolls' Beep, n u, the straight girl singing T.A.T.U's All The Things She Said, n u, the guys singing oh-so-many songs with sex described in different ways) just stop shooting back the "what?!" look and just accept the stares. u chose to sing the songs in public. if people who understand the lyrics well stares at u with "the look" u should know it really is ur fault for singing such songs. don't go "what r they staring at? am i not normal?" bcoz u URSELF r INVITING the stares.

so... about the boobie pics. please!!! girls, if u love people staring at ur boobies while they're talking in person with u (face-to-boobs talks) just go ahead, put the pics on. they shouldn't know about ur brain (that lies somewhere way above the boobies, too far away people often missed it) or ur face. come to think of it, why does God created the brain to sit on top? i'll put it on another post.

to those who feel offended with this post n thinking of putting "u said that bcoz ur jealous our boobies r prettier than urs, we r proud owners of 34C/36B while ur just a flat-chested kiddo who barely needs a bra/needs a bra so u could stuff all the paper tissues u can find to make them look bigger coz u cannot afford a cosmetic surgery" as a starting point of ur comment, sorry to disappoint u. ur out of my league, babe.

quick! post all ur hate comments now!!!

p/s - i've came across some profiles with great tits n no faces. what? ur that ugly u need to put ur boobies online just to get a cyber boyfriend to cyberfuck u? oh-so-pathetic...


Queenie requested for a new post. I'm giving her TWO! Haha... OK, so the original post is only one, the other one is an entry I copy from my Myspace blog.

I last visited my blog when I posted Waste. I had some drafts yet to be finished. I'll finish them later. Last night when I was in Queenie's room, she asked me for updates on this blog. She said the Shoutbox had been active for the past few days, but no new entries for her to read.

Active? Well, I didn't expect anything like what I read just now. I mean, I left the blog for just a while and suddenly there are some shouts asking me about my boobs. And yes, I am actually surprised knowing that there are more than the familiars (people who read my blog are usually my friends in College, or somebody I talked to before). Now I need to guess who is who. Hmm...

Now, this is not new to me. I had people questioning since my first year here in this College. I never had such thing happened to me back then in School and in my Pre-U College. While these questions had somehow became tolerant (actually they had became just another things in life I had to endure, and eventually they became something so "normal" I ignore them). I didn't expect people will still be talking about them after three years! God! I'm not a new student, OK? And I have seen lots of other girls wearing more revealing things but were never questioned. Should I feel damn flattered or should I sit down and cry for this discriminated treatment?

Anyway, just to make these people satisfied (if they ever found this blog), here is my answer to some questions. Maybe someday I can put up a FAQ section answering questions about my boobies. Haha...

Q: Are they real/original/genuine?
A: Yes, they are. I don't have ka-ching to spend on costly silicone implants and doctors. Even if I have lots of moolah I will definitely spend them on other stuff: latest gadgets, phone (I need a new one!), food, slimming treatments...

Q: What size?
A: I won't answer that. Go figure out yourself.

Q: I'll buy you bras on your birthday.
A: Thank you. I appreciate that. Refer to the question above.

Q: Carrying them must be painful for you. They look heavy. May I?
A: I never noticed that. I had little problems doing it before. Plus, I often carry my backpack along, it must have helped distributing the weights evenly.

Q: I love your big boobs.
A: I don't. Hard for me to find shirts that fit me nicely.

Q: Your boyfriend is damn lucky. He must have fondled you lots of time, that is why your boobs are big.
A: No. I had no boyfriend until a few years back, but I had my boobs since high school. If there is a ghost who did it, then I didn't know about it. FYI, boobs are not going to get bigger when they are fondled. If they do, that is because the skin is stretched. The boobs will appear bigger, but they are not as firm as they should.

Q: Are you using any products? (usually asked by girls)
A: No, sorry. You will have to ask the genes I inherited.

Q: Your mom's and sister's? Are they big?
A: Sorry, you're asking the wrong side. It's not from my mom's side, it's from my dad.

Here I think I have answered common questions on my boobs. Drop me comments if there are more questions. I will answer according to my mood.

To my "panel doc", Damien, thanks for answering it for me. I appreciate that.
To "her *lalala...*", yes, when I am 40, they will sag. But please, not to my waist (that would be damn ugly). Maybe I'll get some products for them. Thanks for standing up to what I believe: big boobs are just temporary, I worth more than that.