Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Childish - Part 1: Childhood

Queenie always say that I am like a little kid. Childish. Maybe. I dunno...

I looked back at my own life. My history. My story.

I was the second child of three. The third, my bro wasn't a part of the family until I was five plus (he was inside Mom's tummy, but he already existed, so we can count him as one of us). I don't remember how I reacted to the news of getting a baby brother that time. But I can feel that I wasn't really excited about the whole thing.

I had only pieces of my childhood memories. Most of them are fragments of the years after I started to read. I had no pictures of my early years, and I can't recall anything on my birthplace. I don't even have any of my baby pictures. I found my sister's and my brother's. Back then when I was small sometimes I felt like the world was being unfair to me. Now I just don't care. But at times I really wished I could keep my baby pictures and remember how things were back then.

I had mixed feeling when I knew that I was going to study in the town where I was born. I came back to the land after 19 years. I couldn't remember anything about this place. I couldn't recall staying in what house and with whom. A distant cousin told me that she used to take care of me, like a Nanny or something. I couldn't remember anything, I just nodded. It was not impossible. Dad was a Navy, and Mom was a Nurse. Being away from my parents were normal.

I remembered being taken care by a neighbour (I called her "Auntie") when I was a small kid. We lived in the neighbouring country, as the Navy was based there. Mom was not at home, working, I guess. I lived with Dad in the house. Paris, my sister was being taken care by my Aunt, they lived at Granny's house. I still have no clue of why I was being left out, why I stayed at home. But I didn't care much back then. Dad sent me to the "Auntie"'s house before he went to work, I played all day and fell asleep, Dad picked me up at night. I remembered being brought to some social meetings (I'm not really sure what it was, like some sort of women's society, like a Tupperware Party, minus the Tupperware), I watched the women chatted and working on handcrafts or whatever thing they were working on. I didn't remember playing with some other children of my age. But I had freedom of doing whatever thing I wished to do. Most of the time "Auntie" left me with the TV or some toys so I can tire myself to sleep.

My Aunt (not "Auntie") told me that my Mom and Dad had divorced once. I couldn't remember any details about it. Mom wanted to take Paris with her, Dad wanted to take me with him. Back then I didn't care much not having Mom around because I knew Dad was always with me. "Daddy's Girl" was what my sister used to call me. She said he favoured me over her. I never noticed that.

The early years was the period when I grew up close to my family. We didn't have much Family Moments, but I remembered spending some time going out together as a family. Holiday vacations, trips to the park, rides at the Theme Park...

Some of my friends knew about my Mom working in Saudi Arabia. She had been there for a few years now. "It must be hard for you, not having her around." I often get that. No, it is not hard for me. For my brother, maybe, but not for me. Emotionless? Maybe. I was used to it when I was little. I couldn't recall any event that made me spend the whole night crying, missing her.

If only they understand that living under the same roof didn't make us a happy family that when someone is far away the others would fell sick. No. That was only a fairy tale to me. Sorry if my statement hurts your feeling. There are many families I know who are closely bonded with each other. My life was like this: Dad was at home, I was out to school. School holidays, I was at home, Dad was working outstation. Mom was at home, I was out to school. I came back from school, Mom was out to work. Mom was home late at night, I was asleep. Mom often worked the night shift. Dad was an Officer, he needed to go places, several days at a time. I was used to came back from school to the empty house.

Some people thought I quit the Residential School I was in because I was homesick. I only can nod to the statement. Actually I knew my inability to adapt to the School's system. Why go to the School the first place? That was not my decision. It was my parents'. I am pretty glad for the brief moments I had there, the experience I gained. But I never regretted the decision of leaving the School. Between staying at the School and leaving it, I will definitely choose to leave. But it was never because I missed my home and my family. I never had such feelings. I wonder how it actually feels like. Being far away from home, surrounded with friends who try hard to cheer you up while you are crying, saying that you really want to go home.


-langkahbaru- said...

our family is quite the same ler shah. xcept that mine still has time for us at night...but still they love all of you kan? parents mna x syg anak ;)

buTTerFLowEr said...

huhu~ rasenye most families mcm tu kn. but since parents ak bkn kje 9-5, agak susah nk ddk 1 family mkn same2. most families i know klu 1 parent work in shift, another one work 9-5. so mostly ade salah 1 akn jage family tu at night. kcik2 ade laa... ms tu xde maid, adk ak blom lahir. ak n sis ak kcik lg. dh bsr sume wat hal msg2. not a good family institution lah if u ask me.

~ t o u r n i Q u e t ~ said...

the past is past, what matters now is the present time
and most importantly, family is tied together by unconditioned love

-langkahbaru- said...

biasa la tu.bila da besar semua ikut jalan sendiri.hahaha. wes...jgn ko x balik time raya nanti suda. da la time tu je satu family re-unite ;)
apa2 pun, air di cencang x putos. maybe not a good family institution but yet you are still has "the" family you can depend on when sumthing happened rte? :)

~n0n0i~ said...

x duk bsama x semestinya x bahagia kan.........