Tuesday, March 13, 2007


So it was true. What I've felt these days. No. Make it months. I thought it was just my Mind playing some trick on me, making me feel insecure everyday. I thought it wasn't real.

Just now I received a message from my *lalala...* asking me whether I have been messaging with the GF yesterday. I did last night. But I didn't quickly admit it. He asked me what have we talk about. I didn't answer that either. Instead, I asked him what she told him.

He told me the most heartbreaking thing. "Why didn't you tell her about us?" That was what she asked him. She said she was running out of credit, and the message last night was the last she could send me. I don't know if it was a lie, to stop me from texting her. But I sent her a message. "So now you guys are back together? Glad to know that."

That message was eating me inside. Glad? How could I be glad? I lied to myself. I lied to her. I lied to myself. At least the question gave me the answer I've been searching in return. Glad?

I remembered my dream some few nights ago. What's happening now is just like what has happened in that dream. I knew about them by accident, through SMS. The pain was killing me, like my life was being squeezed out of my heart. I woke up from the dream. I feel the pain now. But this time I won't be able to wake up from the dream, no matter how painful I feel. I'll have to live with the pain until it heals. But when?

I wonder what Death feels like.

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