Thursday, May 31, 2007


I didn't do anything wrong!

I was sitting at my usual spot after the class ended, with my notebook plugged in, surfing the Internet. Suddenly a somewhere-around-middle-aged man asked me for an identification. He spotted me as not the University's student. More precisely, not the Faculty's student.

I was a little afraid of him at first, but I tried to keep myself composed. I stuttered a bit when he asked from which Faculty I am. How am I going to answer that? I was about to say that I am in the Computer Faculty when I realised that that is not a good answer. Heck. If I'm a student of this Faculty, he wouldn't ask me such question.

So I decided to tell him about the course I am taking here. I am not very sure about this, but he seemed to be unaware of the computer course I am joining. Or maybe it was the explanation that made him seemed confused.

I told him that I am an outsider. I am not a student here. He asked me for my Student Card. I handed it to him. Luckily the card is always attached to my bunch of keys, so it was not difficult to produce it to him. He asked me where am I staying the whole time I'm here. I told him the name of the Residential College.

I also explained to him that I often stayed here after class because I don't know where I can access the Internet other than here, since I am an outsider and am not familiar with this place. If only they have some access points in the Residential College buildings...

He further explained that he was not angry that I was here, but he merely wanted to know who am I, just in case he is being asked by the Bigger People. I am a stranger, it is normal for such procedure to be done. An outsider entering the Faculty at night is something suspicious, right? I understand that what he did was only a part of his job. He also made things easy for me when he said that I can tell the guards at the building entrances that he had already recognised me.


He was being nice enough when he asked me in a very nice manner. Having someone raising his voice at you when he knew that you are a total stranger is actually pretty scary for me. I was actually afraid being scolded for staying so late at the Faculty, when the Faculty's students had already left the building earlier.

I was about to ask him his position, just in case I have to talk to the guards at the entrances. He hadn't introduced himself just now. But I just kept myself quiet. He turned around, maybe he was walking towards his post. I saw the embroidered text on the back of the vest he was wearing. It read "WARDEN".


I bleed again today. This time, it was my tongue. That's not really some rare cases, I often got my tongue bleeding unexpectedly in the morning. Or at any time of the day. Especially when I just had some tongue-burning hot soup, or hot drinks. The tongue-brushing habit is not very good after all. Or maybe I just need a good tongue-cleaner.


But today's bleeding was more than the usual bleeding. I am not very sure why. The wound seemed like just a tiny spot, but I can see the blood spreading from that one tiny spot pretty quickly. I forgot whether I had something hot for last night's dinner, and if it had burned my tongue.

*sigh* I had to bear the taste of the ferrous blood in my mouth. I had been spitting and gargling for a few times just to get rid of the blood taste in my mouth when I remembered that I have to do just the opposite. I should just let the blood flow in my mouth. The saliva will take care of it.

I am lucky I learnt that the saliva can actually help to heal wounds. Not from some formal education system. But I feel lucky I knew stuff like that.

Ever think of why people suck the blood of paper-cut finger? Or why the tongue never really bleed for long? Because the saliva has the healing property. The saliva can stop small cuts from continuous bleeding, some sort of blood-clotting capability. But you will have to bear the ferrous taste in your mouth though.

So I stopped spitting and held my mouth closed for a few minutes. Then I wash my mouth and looked at the wound. It was still there the last time I looked into the mirror before heading to the class. No hot cereal drinks for me this morning. So I grabbed a pack of chocolate milk and headed down to the Faculty.

I was almost out of the Residential College building when I realised that I forgot to bring along my training materials - again! So I rushed back to my room and grabbed the blue plastic file on the desk and walked as fast as I can to the Faculty.

I stepped into the class just in time, like I always do. The bleeding had stopped. I started up the computer. A few while later the class started. I took the chocolate milk out of my bag and started sipping. I need to keep my mouth busy the whole time in class, or I'll be very sleepy.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Another Day

The class ended at 5 today. But I decided to sit for a little while to finish some exercises. I slept a lot in class, I was being pretty slow compared with the others. That doesn't bother me much. Even if I can work faster, I would spend my time reading the whole instruction, letting the words be absorbed and processed by my brain before I would proceed with the tasks.

Plus, I have some downloading waiting to be done. All they needed were just some few more minutes to be completed.

I gazed at the training material on the desk. I looked at the exercise I left in class right before PC went on with the next few chapters. He was being slow enough with the class, I fell asleep at one point and I still can trace his track. I'm not very sure how long have I dozed off though.

PC is being nice to the class. He cracks unintended jokes and made the class laugh at times. Like when he demonstrated stuff and he kept on deleting the changes he made just so we didn't get totally confused if we were to compare what he did with what was written in the training materials. Or when he used MS Excel to explain on the tables and JOIN functions and the differences of bla bla bla. He concluded the lesson with a simple caption - "So, now you know how to hide a column in MS Excel." He made learning easy.

He left the class at around 5.30 p.m. He waited on some of us who asked him questions regarding whatever problems we encountered in completing the exercises. Before he left he did mentioned about the class being slow enough, he is worried that we might not be able to finish all the Units by Friday. So I guess things will be faster tomorrow.

There were a few kids staying in the lab after 5 p.m. They were also working on the exercises. Some might even tried to explore the application by themselves. I don't know. I gave up sitting there once I realised that one of the file I was downloading had somehow encountered an error, I have to download it starting from point zero. Grr...

Anyway, that was not the main reason I decided to get out of the class earlier than the rest of these guys and girls who decided to stay. My brain was somehow tired when I tried hard to understand the instructions written in the training materials. I didn't get some steps done right the first time, but I managed to find that 'missing' instruction. So I stayed a while, following every step for the first and second tasks in Exercise 4. But I skipped the third, because I couldn't figure out what the instruction really means when it said to do so and so.

I left the lab and went to the water cooler to get some cold water. I parked myself at one of the chairs and started to switch on my notebook. I don't feel like doing anything much today. I thought I was going to download a fresh copy of the corrupted download while I was here. Then I discovered Nana episode 41.

I downloaded Nana instead, the corrupted Ouran episode can wait for another day. I am soooooooo excited to watch Nana, I decided to watch it on the online video uploading services. But sadly to say, I only managed to find ones with very terrible pictures, or ones with nice pictures - with no subtitles!

I searched over the Internet for some other sites. But I guess I'll just have to be patient. I'll wait until the download completes. I discovered that there were already episode 42 to 44 (or maybe more) uploaded online, but without subtitles. I need to be patient.

I read on episode 41. Hachi's baby is named Sachiko! I can't believe that!!! Sachiko was the girl that made Shoji cheated on her. And the baby is named Sachiko!

Anyway, I just can't wait for the download to complete. I left my whole Nana series at home, it's pretty sad I couldn't watch the previous episodes over and over again this week.

The file is almost done, but not until past 9 o'clock. I'm not sure if I can wait for it any longer... Well, I guess I'll wait for a little while.


I can't access my Blogspot!!!

I don't know what really happened, but I can't access my Blogspot page today. But I can access Queenie's and the others'. That's kinda weird to me.

Luckily I can still access the Dashboard, so I can blab just about anything here. Hehe...

Last night I was having this thing with my *lalala...*, it made me cry for a brief moment before someone came to my room. *sigh*

Anyway, I told Queenie about last night, about the anger I felt for the GF. And all the bad words I wish I could say to her. Everything. She agreed with me when I said I wanted to call the GF "Bl**p". She made me feel better almost instantly. Are we evil? Because we feel very normal about it.

I slept pretty early last night. And I woke up early enough, I went back to sleep. It was almost 8 a.m. when I finally decided to climb down the bunk bed. I took a shower and made myself some cereal drinks before I went to class.

I was almost late today, but I managed to arrive at the lab a few minutes before 9. Yeah! I still have my record clean by not coming late to the class. (I often sleep in class though. That's not very good.)

I need to do my work now. I'll continue after class.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Tell Me This is Not a Joke

I was watching Goong, the Korean drama series that made me fell asleep almost everytime. I was trying to waste my time and make myself tired so I can go to bed early tonight.

I was texting with my *lalala...* for a while after I took my evening shower when he suddenly went quiet. That was when I started watching Goong. Then an SMS came from him. He sent it wrong. It was meant for the GF. I replied, telling him that.

That SMS made my heart ached. I felt that way since the first time I fell head over heels for him, everytime he sent the wrong message meant for her to me. I can always recognise his words for her - he always call her "Honey."

I took a brave step asking him questions with no answers. I have been thinking of this thing for too many times.

I wished for a guy just like him. Sort of a twin, a clone or something. Anything. I just want to move on. Wouldn't it be great if he could be with her, without me interrupting? And Yours Truly with a clone of him, just the two of us, and I don't have to wait for someone who treats me good just because he knew how desperately I want him to treat me good. If only he understands what I really meant when I asked him such questions.

He didn't understand that. Maybe he never will. He asked me why am I saying such things, asking him such questions. And he told me something that made my heart ached even more.

There was something going on between them. Not good thing. They were quarreling over something. He said she told him that she is now bored with him.

Her statement shattered my heart like a baseball bat breaking a glass. And I know it breaks his too. I wish I could make her see. And make him see that I have been waiting patiently for him just so I can sit next to him and watch him smile.

And she is being very ungrateful, saying such a disheartening thing when she already knew what she is to him, how important she is to him. She stole him from me when I had tried my best to keep him happy.

She did make him happy when she took him away from him, because he was longing for her very badly, he failed to see my heart aching everytime I was with him, trying to make him happy. Like an arrow to the heart, no matter how you try to take it out, it hurts you a lot, whether you try to pull it out, or force it out by pushing it deeper, puncturing the heart and flesh more.

How can she said that to him? Bored? What is this? Some kind of a game where you can just stop when you are tired and resume whenever you feel like it?

I wish he would let me stay with him. I am lying to myself if I say I am not expecting anything from him. But being friends, the closest I can be, would be far better than letting him alone, especially when things turned to be this way. Am I crazy if I say letting him go to some other girl would make me happier than when I have to accept that he is still hoping for her? Call me crazy, but I just hate her for disappointing him over and over again. Maybe she knew all the time that his heart will always have a space for her, a space that nobody has the chance to be in. Well, at least not yet.

I wish her dead. Or at least please find someone that can make her happy. A rich guy who can shower her with all sorts of materials she wishes for. A guy who won't say anything about whatever thing she wants to do. A guy who can pleases her heart so she will appreciate him and leave my *lalala...* alone. I wish she would see love as something people can buy with money, just so that the highest bidder will get her love. And I know she'll be happy being showered with wealth and freedom.

I just want to scream "BL**P!!!" to her, just to satisfy myself. And I really wish he would see that in her.

I still can't believe she could use the word 'bored'. I would give everything just to trade place with her for a moment. I wish he would love me like he loves her.

I wish...

The Second Week

Today we have a new trainer for the SAP Course I am currently in. It is a refreshing thing. He doesn't look like anything past 30, I think he's in his late 20's, just like the previous trainer.

What I like better about this trainer, compared with the previous trainer, is the fact that he gave us options to his teaching pace. We can choose to go at the fast pace, finishing the 500-pages-or-so training materials in four days and have Friday for revisions, or choose to complete everything in five days without revisions. I am not sure which one did the rest of the class really opt to, but I guess everyone has decided on the 5-day option.

And I like his way of explaining. At least he checked on us whether we can actually follow what he is talking about in front. The previous trainer went at a very high speed, most of us have to concentrate on what he was saying just to grasp some words.

I am still the sleepy-headed me in such courses and classes. I suck at concentrating. Hehe... But I managed to stay awake most of the time in class. That's a good thing, considering that I munch less in this class. But I munched on higher-calorie stuff, I finished some 80 grams of milk chocolate-coated raisins and nuts (most of them are almonds) in less than half an hour. And I tried to chew slowly!

Another good thing about this trainer is, he did the exercise in the book, showing every step to us, and he let us do in a short while after he did his. That's very helpful for most of us. We can easily understand what we should do to get things right. Unlike the high-speed trainer who completed 3 - 4 exercises at one go and expected us to complete them all in specified time when we can barely figure out what he was talking about.

But everybody has his own teaching methods. I guess we just have to adapt to whatever and whoever is assigned for us. I just hope that I can stay awake in class longer, with less help from junk food or anything.

Tomorrow is another day. Wish me luck.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I'm (Not) OK, I Promise

I'm bleeding again. My nose is bleeding again. I'm not sure what really happened, but it happened again.

Nose bleed is not something uncommon that I have to be admitted to the hospital immediately. But having to face this third time in a week really scares me. Especially when I am unlike my brother who when he was a child he had to lie down and wait for the bleeding to stop for so many times, it became his routine. Especially when the weather was hot.

The weather is pretty hot lately. But I am positive that the bleeding has nothing to do with the heat. I had my nose bleeding the second day I was in the University's computer lab. Air-conditioned, although not very cold, but I can safely say it has nothing to do with the heat.

I've had one of these before. Once. Last semester, I guess. Or maybe the one before that. But I am sure it was somewhere back then during my third year of studies in my College. My *lalala...* knew about it. What he told me to do was just like what other people would tell me to do. Don't play in the sun for too long. Take lots of rest. Lie down so that the bleeding will stop.

I am not suffering of the heat-related nose bleed. I just want people around me to notice that. Stop telling me what to do. The blood does not flow out of my nose like some vessel inside has just popped under the high heat. My nose bleed is more similar with having the skin broken, caused by high pressure like when I sneeze way too hard it irritates the skin inside.

The first time I encountered with this situation, I thought that my skin has probably broke a little when I sneezed and blew the nose way too hard. The skin around my nose irritates easily when I have flu or anything flu-like, runny nose and all. Plus the heat when it happened, that excuse has somehow win my *lalala...*'s trust on me. He believed that I was OK. A common nose bleed on a hot day, a bit of rest will do. I managed to escape a trip to the Clinic.

Then it happened again. At the University's computer lab. Without any warning. I was having a flu (plus some coughing and a fever), my second day there. I didn't blew my nose the whole day. My nose was being nice to me that day. But somehow it bleed. I noticed the blood spot when the paper handkerchief I was holding, the one that sat neatly almost the whole time I was there suddenly was stained.

I kept on dabbing the paper handkerchief to see just how much my nose bleed. It was pretty scary, actually. I had to change the paper handkerchief a few times until I noticed that the stain is no longer there.

That is actually a scary experience, given that I am not exposed to direct heat from the sun. Anyway, I tried to put any scary thoughts away by saying that it was just some unnoticed broken skin inside. It was OK, and I don't have to be scared. Because everything is alright.

A little later it happened, on a small scale. Well, that can be considered as normal, considering that cut does take a while to heal, and the healing part may break again. And the nose skin is thin and delicate. It was possible. Again, I lied, consoling myself.

Those two incidents happened without any of my family members witnessing or knowing anything about it. The persons who knew was my *lalala...* and the girl who sits next to me in the lab. She knew because I showed the blood spots to her on purpose. And we just made some simple conclusion - I was having it because I was having a fever and the weather was hot that day, the heat (internal and external) might just caused the bleeding.

What happened just now happened right in front of my Sister. I hate that. I hate the fact that she saw me in my not-so-healthy condition. I prefer keeping everything myself.

At first I thought that the blood was not visible, like always. The first few events didn't leave the blood flowing out of my nose so everybody could see it. The bleeding happened internally. But she saw it coming out of my nose. Washing my face right before that, when I tasted some ferrous material in my mouth, had probably thinned the blood a bit.

I am not the type of girl who fell sick at the sight of the blood. Even the smell of blood won't keep me from watching anything bloody. But this weird thing happening to me made me scared of my own blood. I don't understand why.

I tried to call my *lalala...* right after the bleeding happened. I knew he was in a meeting. I called him about half an hour earlier, and I thought I didn't have to disturb him until half past midnight. I was wrong. But I didn't reach him. So I just let him know by texting him, telling him my condition.

The bleeding has somehow made me scared of myself, I made a few trips to the bathroom to spit the blood out. I did until I was assured that the bleeding has somehow stopped. But every now and then when I feel like something is wrong I go to the bathroom just to make me feel comfortable.

May I say that I have developed some sort of phobia of this thing? I am afraid that I will bleed way to much and lost quite an amount of blood, and I am afraid that I will poison myself when the blood enters my body through the inappropriate channel. Call me silly, but that's how I feel lately.

I guess I just need some good rest after all. I hate going to the clinic. If I stay well for the next few weeks I don't have to make a trip to the Doctor. And if it doesn't happen very regularly I have a good excuse to escape going to the Doctor when my *lalala...* ask me to. Hehe...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Bigger, Better? I Don't Think So...

"Now she returns, bigger than ever!"

I don't expect such a huge introduction of myself for the coming semester. I am definitely staying away from such a publicity. Well, who wants to be the public's attention next semester? Being recognised by everybody? Raise your hands please!!!

I would love such an attention too, given that it is not because of something embarassing, and I can still have the freedom to move around and do just about anything I want to do. It's hard being a celebrity, you know. Especially when people expect you to be perfect and all... But then again, publicity is not my cup of tea.

Bigger than ever. Hmm... That probably describes me best (although not very nicely) the coming semester. I haven't weigh myself yet for the past few months, I am not aware of my own weight now. But I can say with full confidence that I am gaining a whole lot more since the last ime I weighed myself.

And that is especially true when I am here, munching on junk food all the time. I have been keeping myself occupied with chocolates, candies and sugary drinks since the first day I am here. *sigh*

My *lalala...* will definitely scold me for eating such junks, especially when I eat them a lot. And he will definitely be angrier with me when he find out that I have been skipping meals since the past few weeks, and when I eat, I eat very little compared to the portion I usually have. My portion is usually as big as his, or the minimum would be 2/3 of his. And he eats A LOT (I hate the fact that he remains thin no matter how much he eats!)

Now my portion is hardly 1/3 of his. Only sometimes I would increase the amount just a bit more, but most of the time it remains small. And sometimes I don't feel like eating anything at all, I actually get angry at seeing some food prepared for me. I don't eat. Seeing the food being wasted hurts me a lot.

I munched a lot of candies and junkies I expect my weight to be a few pounds heavier by the end of the week. But I don't have a scale to track that. I hope that that is not necessarily true. If I could keep the expected few pounds away from me, wouldn't that be a great news for me?

*sigh* I could only wish, considering that I am the type of person who will gain easily, but shed hardly any pound no matter how I restricted my food intake.

My *lalala...* is often worried about my health, not because I will grow ugly when I grow fat, but because he knew me well. He knew my love for rich and fatty food, and how I hate exercising. He just wanted me to keep an eye on my food intake so I still can keep my weight at the healthy range. And he is also worried about my cholesterol level. Maybe I'll get my blood checked someday.

I hope living in the hostel will give me some calorie-burning activities as I have to walk a few metres from the hostel to the faculty building. And I often carry some unneeded 3 kg plus of burden on my back, my notebook. I don't use my notebook in the class. We use the lab's computers. But the notebook is useful when the class ends and I can sit somewhere and plug in the charger and the LAN cable and surf the Internet for hours.

Walking is good. I haven't walk on daily basis for quite a while now. But somehow I think the walking I currently doing now is still not enough. I guess I just have to start little first before taking bigger steps. God, I missed the days when I would walk some distant everyday to go to places, like when I was in school.

Anyway, not shedding some pounds is expected. But I think it is good enough. I munch on a lot of zero-nutrition foodstuff lately, I just need to burn those calories away. Not losing any pounds while still burning some of the calories is better than eating and accumulating the calories and the kilos.

Well, I guess I need to do some walking now. The class has ended and everybody is going home. Buh-bye!

Today is a Great Day...

... so far.

I woke up pretty late, but earlier than yesterday. I was thinking of getting some extra sleep. I am not very sure why, but I often feel sleepy here. Hmm...

Last night I called my *lalala...* saying that I could not sleep. He asked me to stop thinking about anything and just close my eyes and soon I will be in the Dreamland. Well, actually I was bluffing. I was pretty sleepy that time. I was only trying to get his attention. Hehe...

But I guess it was really the Korean series Goong that made me sleepy. I only watched the first episode halfway before deciding to stop. And I fell asleep on the floor. My *lalala...* will definitely scold me if he knew that I slept on the floor again, especially when the floor is the cold, hard cement floor, unlike the tiled floor like in our College's residential.

Anyway, I woke up with the sun shining at my face, a feel I can only have at home. I checked my cellphone. There was a message from Xell. He was asking me if I would go out for a movie with him tomorrow. The Pirates of the Carribean 3. Yeah! Who would want to miss that? I was about to reply the message to him when my phone suddenly vibrated. Incoming call from him, asking for my decision. I answered the phone with a croaking voice, a result of getting the voice out of my throat minutes after waking up.

I took my shower and headed to the class. I was almost late again like yesterday but I managed to get into the class as the fourth person. Most of the University's students came later than us who are not the native student of the University. I'm not sure why, but I guess it is normal for visitors to behave at other people's place.

The first thing I did was swtching on the computer, and started the program we use in class. It took a while to load, so I started the browser and started reading Queenie's blog. What a relief! yesterday's luck is still with me. I still can access Blogger. Wow... She seemed to write in it everyday now. That's great. And her posts are longer than in the other blog of hers. I guess there just can't be too much of anything when you are talking about your loved ones, even when you talk about the exact same thing twice a day, seven days a week.

I'm not really sure what's more for me today. But I guess this is great enough to start my day.

Oh. I'm going home this weekend. I am going to get my hands on the notebook hard disk drive I've been waiting for since the last few weeks. Now I finally have the money to buy one, I can make a whole lot more stuff with my computer.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

If I Can't Access My Blogger...

If I can't access my Blogger account or read anybody's Blogspot like I had experienced last Monday and Tuesday, I will probably spend my time doing what I haven't got time to do before.

I realised that I had wasted my time not writing anything since the past few weeks. I seldom write offline these days, maybe because I have nothing interesting to tell anyone. Plus, being in this University, if I can't post the stuff I had written offline while I'm online, I will absolutely feel disencouraged to write again.

It is actually a joy to read Queenie's blog on Blogdrive. I was so glad that she had chosen Blogdrive as her hosts, because I couldn't read anybody else's blog because everybody is using Blogspot. *sigh* But today I managed to read and write stuff at Blogspots. Whew... If this is just a once-in-a-while luck, I will definitely be grateful I could write two posts today. Hehe...

Back to the topic. What will I do if I can't access my Blogger?

Queenie's Blogdrive gave me a hit on the head yesterday. If I can access hers, I can definitely access other blogging services too. My first attempt was accessing the Endless Story, the site I have left for many months untouched. Heck! I'm a writer there. What's the point of not writing? Especially now, when I have the time to access the Internet freely and I can't access my personal blog.

What made me neglected the Endless Story for so long? Well, I don't have much to say in there. Plus, I give a lot of attentions to my personal blog. That is just natural. Plus, the Endless Story has other co-writers. But I guess everybody has been busy. The page has not been updated for some time.

So I am going to spend my time there if I can't access this blog again here, that is, in case of my luck runs out. I am currently writing about The Number 23, the story about Jim Carrey and a mysterious book that changes his life. I will post the review here once it is completed. And I will post my review on Dead Silence there too. Maybe I can do more reviews after this and post in both blogs.

Ahh... I am just sooooo lucky! The 40th episode of Nana is now complete. I can watch it again now. Talking about downloading Nana, maybe I can try to download more stuff here later. Hehe... But Torrent is not allowed. But still, being able to download media contents is much better than not getting any.

And again, about Nana. I watched the 40th episode yesterday from a video uploading site that works like YouTube. I can't believe the University actually allows access to sites like that! In my College, some are blocked. The ones that can be accessed will still be useless. The College blocked streaming media over the Internet connection. So you'll be staring at the blank online video player complete with the buttons you can click, but nothing will ever happen to the player no matter how many times you have clicked the buttons. But here, in the University, I have watched a lot of clips, including Nana!!!

So, not getting the access to my Blogger account is not so bad after all, huh? Nope. It is still bad because I will always want to write stuff here, in my personal blog.

Maybe I should get a blog on some other host. Hmm...

That's Kinda Funny...

Haha... I thought this is actually weird.

I thought that the University I am currently in for the 5-week Computer Course does not allow access to Blogspot pages. I tried that yesterday, and the day before but failed. First I tried to access Queenie's Blogspot, but was redirected to the University's official web page. Then I tried mine. That failed too.

That is not really weird, considering that many Universities (especially the public ones) are limiting the access to pages the Administrations deem as not suitable. Porn sites are the absolute "No" in many places. Torrent downloads are not allowed too. The rest depends on the Administrations to decide.

At my place the forbidden sites are always the ones that receives way too many hits. Friendster suffered a long time ban in my College since the last couples of years. Anime and MP3 (and many other audio and video extensions) are forbidden keywords. Instant messaging tools also suffered the same fate, being blocked from gaining access. I have to constantly switch to many IMs just so I can be in touch with my friends. Sad. But I am happy that Blogger has never been listed among the Forbiddens.

It is funny to see that here in the University the Blogger is blocked. They enable the access to anime sites, download sites and Friendster. What has Blogger done here, being blocked from getting an access? And thus, I have missed numerous posts by my fellow bloggers while I'm staying here.

I am not so sure whether I am just plain lucky or what. Today I tried my luck in accessing Blogger. I managed to enter my account! I am not so sure whether they have enabled the access or I just have my luck and good instinct, I typed the Blogger address instead of the Blogspot one. Sometimes they block sites through the keywords, not the site.

I managed to log in and I decided to blog about it straight away. Then I tried my luck to see the comments I just got from Queenie yesterday. Well, I can't believe I can actually read the comments.

I test my luck once more by entering my Blogspot. I can! And I can't believe it!!! I immediately entered Queenie's blog. I was right. She has a new post. I read the post in-between the exercises I have to do in class. It's a very tough class. I wondered if I can actually score the passing marks in the test.

I have to stop a few times just to complete this one post. *sigh* But at least the class ended pretty quickly today, I took some time to surf the web and write bits of this posts before continuing with the uncompleted exercises.

Now the class has ended I parked myself at one of the tables at the Faculty's lobby. They have electric and LAN sockets here. This is how I spend my day after class since yesterday (the first time I spend my night here). The main reason is to finish downloading Nana, the 40th episode. I can't wait!!!


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Excuse Me, But What is This?

The course ended later than the expected time today. One hour late. I put my stuff at my room and Zoe drove me home. Well, actually she only dropped me at the train station near her house. But I am more than grateful to have her done that.

My trip home would costs me $ 12 if I were to travel alone by public transportations - two trains and a cab. Thanks to her, I can cut down the expenses to only $ 2.50, and in just one train! Well, anything that could keep me from taking a cab would be more than good. The cab's fare is killing me at $ 8 per trip (or more if I happened to be unlucky).

I climbed up the stairs to the station. Today's trip was my second with Zoe. The train? This was the third time I have ever taken a train home from the station. The first was back then when I was only 15. The second was yesterday - I am 22 now.

The station is at the end of the route. My stop is the second - at the other end! Zoe did offer to drop me at another station which is supposed to be nearer, but switching train and having to cram into a place so full of people, there is hardly space to breathe, is not really a wise choice. What I like about this station far away from home is the facts that I don't have to switch trains, and I can always secure a seat so I can sit until I reach my stop.

I often bring my Sudoku books and magazines with me, together with a pencil and a small eraser. I often spend the journey home solving some puzzles, just to keep my mind off of the very boring journey home.

Today, just like yesterday, I brought my purple Penguin's Sudoku 2007, a compilation of over 300 Sudoku puzzles, a puzzle to solve everyday. The train had already stopped at several places. Still a long way home. I was concentrating on the book. A few months of not playing the game had somehow made me slow in finishing a single puzzle. Very slow.

It was somewhere near the middle of the route when a girl about my age suddenly interrupted my game. I looked up.

"Excuse me. I was just wondering what is this thing you are in?" she asked politely. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but you are so absorbed into it, I was just wondering what it is."

I showed her the cover page and some of the contents. She asked me the very question many people have asked me before.

"How do you fill the numbers? Do they add up to some values?"

I smiled and explained the rules in the simplest way possible. I used the answer way too often now. Every row and column and the 3 x 3 boxes must be filled with numbers from 1 to 9, but the numbers must appear just once in every row and column and the 3 x 3 boxes.

She watched me continued concentrating on the puzzles. I looked up and offered her to try one. I know it is hard to explain by words. Most people I met would understand the game only after they tried to solve one themselves. That is the simplest way of learning the rules.

She politely declined. She said she was about to reach her destination. Aww... I thought she could at least try one. I peeled my eyes away from the book. I asked her where was her stop.

"Here, right after this," was her answer. Oh. That was fast. The train stopped and she stepped out of it. I didn't see where she was going. The train was full anyway.

I continued staring at the puzzles. My hand was scribing numbers in the boxes. My mind was on the conversation I just had. That was not my first. I often receive questions. Questions from friends and strangers alike. Questions from people who are amazed at my high level of concentration, and wonder what is so interesting about the numbers and boxes in the book or magazine I am holding. Questions from people who are curious with my addiction.

Sudoku is not new here. But then again, some people are just not exposed to such craze. Probably because they don't know what it is. Come on, who loves numbers? Most of us don't, except when the numbers are in the form of money. The bigger, the better.

People who knows me knew well just how much I would spend on getting Sudoku books and magazines. And how I tried to spread the craze to just about anybody. And how I had been successful into turning some numbers of friends into Sudoku fans.


I really hoped that the girl had actually asked me earlier, so that I could show her the fun of playing Sudoku. Especially for train trips.

Monday, May 21, 2007

A Little Pain

A Little Pain
by Olivia [Reira]

Travel to the moon
Kimi wa nemuri yume wo toku
Dare mo inai, hoshi no hikari

Tsuyoku naru tame
Wasureta egao
Kitto futari nara torimodosu

* Kizuite
I'm here waiting for you
Ima to wa chigau mirai ga atte mo
I'm here waiting for you
Sakebi tsuzukete
Kitto kokoro wa
Tsunagu ito wo tagutteru
Ano koro no watashi
Me wo samasu you ni
No need to cry

Travel in silence
Te wo nobaseba fureru no ni
Kimi wa tooi, sore wa
Omoide no naka no koto

Koe ga kikoeru
Me wo tojireba
Chiisana itami sae

I'm here waiting for you
Kaze ni fukare hitori mayotte mo
I'm here waiting for you
Sora wo miagete
Zutto kokoro wa
Te wo hirogete mamotteru
Ano koro no kimi ga
Furikaeru made
No need to cry

(Feel something, feel nothing
Listen closely, listen closely)
Wide open ears
Disarm the dream tickler
In the constant moment
(You will find me where it's quiet
Listen closely, listen closely)
Let the blood flow
Through all the spaces
Of the universe

Repeat *

English translation:

Travel to the moon
You're asleep, as you work out your dreams
There's no one here
While the light of the stars toys with me

In order to become strong
I have to remember how to smile
If we're together, I can do it

* Realize that...
I'm here waiting for you
Even if the future is different from now
I'm here waiting for you
I keep on shouting
I'm sure all I have to do
Is pull in the thread that connects our hearts
So the person I was back then
Would open her eyes
No need to cry

Travel in silence
I can reach you if I stretch out my hands
The only memory I have of you
Is so far away

I can hear your voice
If I close my eyes
Even a little pain
Would be nice

Look at me
I'm here waiting for you
Even if you get lost, blown away by the wind
I'm here waiting for you
I look up at the sky
I was protecting my heart
With outstretched hands
Until the person you were back then
Looked back
No need to cry

(Feel something, feel nothing
Listen closely, listen closely)
Wide open ears
Disarm the dream tickler
In the constant moment
(You will find me where it's quiet
Listen closely, listen closely)
Let the blood flow
Through all the spaces
Of the universe

Repeat *


This song is the first ending theme for the anime Nana. I am sooooo attached to this song since I first hear it. Maybe it was because of the sad feelings portrayed by the song on most of the earlier episodes of the series.

Tsuyoku naru tame
Wasureta egao
Kitto futari nara torimodosu

This part was played mostly when Komatsu Nana (Hachi) was totally down with love, most noticeably when she was with Asano. The song often gives me the shiver, even when the episode has nothing to do with Asano. Asano-complex?

But what gives me the creep makes me stick. What am I saying here? Well, the song made my hair rise somehow, but that part is what made me listen to the song repeatedly.

Well, anyway, the song is really great. Olivia matches Reira perfectly. (I don't really like Reira actually but they somehow resembles each other so much.)

I have watched the video clip and the live clips (the one she performed at the street performance and another one, a shortened version on a TV programme) and I absolutely love her.

I tried to find the ringtone, but sadly couldn't find any. Huhu~ (-_-) And sadly to say, my phone is not among the coolest in the market. It could only play polyphonic tones. If only I could convert the MP3 file into the composer codes.


Anyway, here is the song if you feel like you want to give it a try.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

That was Three Years Ago

I'll be going to the University I tried to get in three years ago. I thought it was sad not to get into that University because I already had my eyes on it since I was in the Pre-U College.

I had friends who were waiting for me so eagerly, they said they will try their best to help me in my studies, if only I would join them in the same University. Well, even without them persuading me like that, I would still opt for the University as my main choice.

Now I'm not very sure about it. I mean, is it really great being in a big University like that? I don't think I like being in such a big place.

The College I am currently in is a small College. More or less, it has the school-like environment. And I appreciate that. I can walk to classes with Charlie and Queenie and just about anybody, because we are going to the same blocks. Not being in the same faculty doesn't matter much for us.

Three years ago I was eager to get into a big University. But that was three years ago.

Friday, May 18, 2007


I was viewing the messages in my Friendster account's inbox. I read and replied to new messages. I checked on previous pages if I missed anything among the piles of junks I often receive.

On the Xth page (bigger than 5) I saw a name that made my heart ached so much it almost made me curl myself up in pain.



Thursday, May 17, 2007

I Want to Sleep

I couldn't sleep at night for the past few nights. At first it was OK, just like back then in the College, where I would stay up the whole night and sleep for a few hours in the morning. Then things got worse.

I had skipped a few night sleep. At fisrt I slept before dawn. Then I slept in the morning, after dawn. Now I couldn't sleep until it is almost noon.

No matter how hard I tried, I only ended up wasting my time tossing and turning in my bed. I closed my eyes pretending to be sleeping, but deep inside my head I knew I was only fooling myself.

I had also bugged a lot of people at night. I texted them at three in the morning with silly stuff just to make myself tired, so I could fall into a deep slumber early. But that also failed.

Today I had the same problem again. So I decided to become a Brownie. Well, actually I didn't meant to be one. I only wanted to tire myself to bed.

It was around 3 a.m. when I felt like having some cold drink downstairs. I was thinking of having some cold chocolate. So I went downstaris to the kitchen when I saw a pile of undone dishes in the sink. Half of them were mine, and I thought finishing the other half wouldn't cost me anything. So I decided to do them altogether.

I picked up the ones on the dinner table as well. I cleaned the dishes, the utensils and the pans. I filled empty and half-empty bottles in the refridgerator. I emptied the flask and boiled some water to refill the flask with fresh hot water.

I turned on the lights and made noises doing the chores. The whole time I was hoping that Dad didn't wake up. Luckily he didn't. And the whole time I was thinking of the Brownies. No, I don't mean the sweet stuff you eat and later made you feel guilty that you did.

I remembered years ago I did the very same thing when I suffered of this sleeping problem. It never helped me sleep, and it didn't made me feel good doing chores around the house. But at least the rest of the family has less things to do (and they shouldn't complain much when I start sleeping the whole day!)

I was done with the kitchen. I made myself a cup of cold chocolate plus a teaspoon of instant coffee. Now, before you blame my sleepless night on the coffee, I want to tell you to blame it on the chocolate.


I sleep on coffee and stay awake on chocolate. But that also depends on how my body wants to work with the chemicals. Most of the time (almost every time) I will sleep on coffee. Caffeine doesn't stimulate my brain much. I can sleep right after a big cup of Joe. And I can stay awake the whole night after a huge cup of hot chocolate. But it doesn't really matter. I will sleep right after a cup of hot chocolate if I want to.

I took a huge pile of cleaned laundry and began wasting my time folding everything up. It took me a while (around two hours plus) to fold everything. The small hill was finally stacked up pretty neatly at around five-thirty.

And I was still wide awake. *sigh*

I grabbed my towel and took a morning bath. I heard Paris' alarm singing, but I didn't hear any knock on the bathroom door. She was probably taking a five-minute snooze.

I finished my shower and out of the bathroom. Paris asked me where was I planning to go, taking a shower early in the morning.

"To bed," was my simple reply. I put on some clothes, put on some cream on my face, put my dirty laundry in the washing-machine downstairs and put away the comforters and pillows Paris used back into the bedroom. She slept in front of the TV.

I still couldn't put myself to sleep. So I switched on my computer and started typing. I had a lot in mind, I wanted to put everything in one post. But I guess multiple short posts are better than one very long post.

Paris had finished her shower. She was surprised to see the stuff she used last night had been put away. Well, I have too much energy I don't know how to waste them. But nobody noticed that I actually want to sleep very badly now.

Here I am, finishing the last paragraph of my post. I really need to sleep. I will close my eyes, pretending to be sleeping until my mind actually let me sleep. For real.

Good night!
(-_-) zzZZZ...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Stockholm Syndrome

I read with interest the story of a woman named Carol Smith (not her real name) being abducted and turned into sex slave for seven years before the abductor being arrested and convicted of 10 charges. Abduction, sex slavery, rape.

What made her case interesting was the ideas of her being brainwashed throughout the whole time she was in captivity, leaving her unable to run away from the abductor, even when the time permitted her to do so. Some said she was having the Stockholm Syndrome. Hooker, the abductor (well, that's a name that really suits him) almost got away from the sentences when Carol's love letters was being brought in at the court as an evidence saying that she was willing to stay with him the whole time.

What is this Stockholm Syndrome?

It is a state where the victim (of abduction or abuse or rape or similar cases) has, over time (not necessarily a long period), have sympathy, or fallen in love, with the person who inflicted the pain or fear onto him/her. Sounds impossible. How could you fall in love with the one who abused you?

In her case, she shut off her emotions and accepted his whole wrongdoings to her for her own survival.

"I used to tell him that I loved him," she defended herself to the A & E interviewer, "because the better I treated him the better he treated me."

While you might think of the whole Stockholm Syndrome as some "in TV's only" scenes, or "not likely to happen here", I can assure you that it really happened, whether we realised it or not. Now, not everybody knows that a medical term actually exists for such cases.

What is the proof of this kind of thing actually existed in our society? Ever noticed how, at times, there are reports on how a wife/mother finally managed to get away from abusive husband/father after suffering for a few years. Now, where did the strength to endure such pain came from?

It is hard for me to say this, but I guess I will have to blame it on the society's upbringing. Men are the heads of the family. True. I have no objection in that. But boys should not be taught with the mentality of "Men always and will always right, and women have no voice in anything." And girls should not be taught with "Objecting a husband's word is a sin. You should always obey." There is a fine line in everything that made the difference between it being tolerable or intolerable. We should learn where the fine line is.

If you quickly agree to what I just said and you say "Yeah, leave the abuser and go get some help. Get him arrested and have peace of mind," I am sorry. You clearly don't understand what really happened to the Stockholm Syndrome sufferer.

I don't know if I can claim myself to be in the same boat as the Syndrome sufferers. I have been in an abusive relationship that left me in fear. My Ex #2 is an abusive guy. He would pretend to be normal in front of his friends. They never actually suspected anything. I was always quiet in front of them. They thought I was being quiet because that is what I am. Half true.

Whenever we were separated from his friends, he would abuse me by forcing me to do things I really don't want to do. He put me in a state where I could not do anything else except to agree to whatever he asked me to do. He put me in fear.

How ironic! My biggest fear was not of being abused by him. I was even more afraid of being left alone, being dumped by him. Complying is the only option available. And another ironic thing was I was actually glad whenever he agreed to see me whenever I got the chance to go home.

Whenever I went out with him I have the tendencies to cling to him, like a little girl afraid of losing her way in a busy place. At first, it was because I felt safe being with him. I thought he was a reliable guy. Then it was not about being safe being with him. It was about being safe not being stranded alone. Queenie noticed that in me approximately two weeks ago.

Note to Queenie:
Yes, Queenie. I followed Patrick closely that day the way I followed Charlie around. I always think that I can always rely on them. I thought nobody will notice. So I just laughed it off when you pointed it out.

I still remember the pain of what he had done to me. I remembered how he made me think of the worst thing ever - Death. I remembered how he made me scared, he made me beg for mercy. He made me follow his instructions in exchange of not being dumped at the road side alone at night, in a place I didn't know.

I remembered his saying that he should have just raped me before dumping me, for all the hassles he had gone through when he was with me.

It wasn't love that made me stayed with him. It was fear of having nothing to hold on to.

You can read Carol Smith's story here. 15 short chapters, starting from her hitch-hiking to Westwood, her abduction and the tortures she had to endure, the escape and the trial.

There is another interesting story of Stockholm Syndrome I would like to dig in. The story of a celebrity kidnap victim, Patty Hearst, who was held for two months. She later helped the criminal to rob a bank. Love? Or what?

A fictional portrayal of Stockholm Syndrome is Amanda in the movie Saw and its sequels, Saw 2 and Saw 3. She was the apprentice of the Jigsaw Killer. Sick.

I'm going to download the movies. A gruesome movie marathon plus some snacks (I was thinking of heavier meals, actually). Yummy!!!


Dead Silence

Scream and you'll be dead.

Wow. That sounded like a line by a robber or something. "Scream and I'll slit your throat."

My Sister bought a DVD. Dead Silence. I was thinking of catching the movie at the cinema. But she beat me at it. Huhu~ It's OK. I still have Spiderman 3 to watch with my *lalala...* (^_^) I just hoped she is not going to force me to watch it with her. Huhu~

She said she read the review on the story. Well, not really a review. Someone was spilling the storyline in his/her blog. She read about the whole movie, down to every single detail, in it. And that's why she bought the DVD.

The picture is dark. Someone took it in the cinema, not from a master copy or anything like that. The picture is really terrible. Everything is dark. Well, you can always expect stories like that often portrays dark places with shadows, or night with very little lights. Combine that with the dark setting of a cinema's inside. I lost most of the details of the movie.

Anyway, she spoiled the story by telling me about the part where the guy fall from a high place and cannot scream or else he'll be dead meat. What I didn't exactly understand is why did she bought the DVD the first place when she already knew what the whole story is about and she didn't seem to watch the movie much. I mean, the whole time she was either:
a) not in front of the TV (downstairs, in the bathroom, just about everywhere but not in front of the TV)
b) not watching the TV because she was afraid, she didn't really open her eyes to it

The story is full of suspense as the puppet and the spirit of Mary Shaw kept on moving and/or appearing unexpectedly expectedly like what all movies of its sort do. But I hate puppets, especially THAT kind of puppets (I'm talking about Billy, the ventriloquist's dummy). So, the movie did make me feel a bit chilly.

The whole time the hero of the movie, Jamie, was being surprised with sudden appearances and movements of Billy and Mary Shaw. But he never screamed. And when that happened, my Sister got sort of pissed off (in a joking way, of course) by how cool and calm the guy was. Well, he almost screamed when he fell off of the 2 or 3-storey high place, but he muffled the sound by covering his mouth during the fall.

She should have just turn her head to her left. Yours Truly is pretty much like that guy in the movie. I am not saying that I am not scared of anything. I just don't scream. We don't act cool by not screaming. We just don't.

It kinda reminds me of all my roller-coaster and ghost train rides. And other rides that will usually made people scream at the top of their lungs. Sadly to say, I only managed to let a little gasp every now and then throughout the rides. I often wonder what made people scream, and what does it feels like, screaming like that on rides.

Back to the movie. Hmm... Given an option to watch this thing again, I will probably watch it. I need to see the details I missed in the very dark picture of the DVD. And if I watch it with my *lalala...* I can have excuses to borrow his shoulder for the 'unexpected' moments. Haha...

Movie spoiler:
Everybody's dead at the end of the story.

I never and will never like ventriloquist's dummies.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007



I owed Queenie an update. She has been requesting for it since what I can remember as forever. Anything will do. That's what she said.

A lot of things happened lately. I just don't know where to start, and what to begin with.

I have my *lalala...* on my mind. I don't know why. He kept on appearing in my thoughts lately. Queenie said I can write about him. It will be her pleasure to read just about anything I want to write on. If I'm going to write about him, it's going to be a full post. He will not be just a paragraph in a post. Why? Coz you can skip the whole post the very second you read it. (Soviet and faker, I'm doing you guys a favour here.)

Anyway, I have things in my draft and a lot of writing needed to be done. Like Loey said, I wrote the stuff down in a text editor and post them later when I go online. So there will be posts that you will find "suddenly appeared" before this one.

Many things to write on. Hmm... Where should I start?

23 AprilFreedom was about to come. The last Examination paper I had to sit on for this semester.
24 AprilSAP pre-test. MJ packed her stuff home.
25 AprilClass' dinner party. Lots of seafood!!!
25/26 AprilI didn't sleep the whole night packing my stuff. Dad was coming to pick up my stuff.
27 AprilProject presentation. The girls stayed up all night the night before. The lecturer caught us cheating.
28 AprilMy birthday. Got lots of birthday wishes. No cake. Went to the beach. Free vacation!!!
29 April - 2 MayA lot of things happened. Beach is the place to go. Yay! (^_^)
3 MayThe end of the program. Did I mentioned about the program? Oh, I guess I only mentioned free vacation. Heheh :P
4 MayLazy daisy.
5 MayHome.

Somewhere in-between the dates there are things going on between my *lalala...* and me. He's still with the GF, though. *sigh*