Saturday, May 26, 2007

I'm (Not) OK, I Promise

I'm bleeding again. My nose is bleeding again. I'm not sure what really happened, but it happened again.

Nose bleed is not something uncommon that I have to be admitted to the hospital immediately. But having to face this third time in a week really scares me. Especially when I am unlike my brother who when he was a child he had to lie down and wait for the bleeding to stop for so many times, it became his routine. Especially when the weather was hot.

The weather is pretty hot lately. But I am positive that the bleeding has nothing to do with the heat. I had my nose bleeding the second day I was in the University's computer lab. Air-conditioned, although not very cold, but I can safely say it has nothing to do with the heat.

I've had one of these before. Once. Last semester, I guess. Or maybe the one before that. But I am sure it was somewhere back then during my third year of studies in my College. My *lalala...* knew about it. What he told me to do was just like what other people would tell me to do. Don't play in the sun for too long. Take lots of rest. Lie down so that the bleeding will stop.

I am not suffering of the heat-related nose bleed. I just want people around me to notice that. Stop telling me what to do. The blood does not flow out of my nose like some vessel inside has just popped under the high heat. My nose bleed is more similar with having the skin broken, caused by high pressure like when I sneeze way too hard it irritates the skin inside.

The first time I encountered with this situation, I thought that my skin has probably broke a little when I sneezed and blew the nose way too hard. The skin around my nose irritates easily when I have flu or anything flu-like, runny nose and all. Plus the heat when it happened, that excuse has somehow win my *lalala...*'s trust on me. He believed that I was OK. A common nose bleed on a hot day, a bit of rest will do. I managed to escape a trip to the Clinic.

Then it happened again. At the University's computer lab. Without any warning. I was having a flu (plus some coughing and a fever), my second day there. I didn't blew my nose the whole day. My nose was being nice to me that day. But somehow it bleed. I noticed the blood spot when the paper handkerchief I was holding, the one that sat neatly almost the whole time I was there suddenly was stained.

I kept on dabbing the paper handkerchief to see just how much my nose bleed. It was pretty scary, actually. I had to change the paper handkerchief a few times until I noticed that the stain is no longer there.

That is actually a scary experience, given that I am not exposed to direct heat from the sun. Anyway, I tried to put any scary thoughts away by saying that it was just some unnoticed broken skin inside. It was OK, and I don't have to be scared. Because everything is alright.

A little later it happened, on a small scale. Well, that can be considered as normal, considering that cut does take a while to heal, and the healing part may break again. And the nose skin is thin and delicate. It was possible. Again, I lied, consoling myself.

Those two incidents happened without any of my family members witnessing or knowing anything about it. The persons who knew was my *lalala...* and the girl who sits next to me in the lab. She knew because I showed the blood spots to her on purpose. And we just made some simple conclusion - I was having it because I was having a fever and the weather was hot that day, the heat (internal and external) might just caused the bleeding.

What happened just now happened right in front of my Sister. I hate that. I hate the fact that she saw me in my not-so-healthy condition. I prefer keeping everything myself.

At first I thought that the blood was not visible, like always. The first few events didn't leave the blood flowing out of my nose so everybody could see it. The bleeding happened internally. But she saw it coming out of my nose. Washing my face right before that, when I tasted some ferrous material in my mouth, had probably thinned the blood a bit.

I am not the type of girl who fell sick at the sight of the blood. Even the smell of blood won't keep me from watching anything bloody. But this weird thing happening to me made me scared of my own blood. I don't understand why.

I tried to call my *lalala...* right after the bleeding happened. I knew he was in a meeting. I called him about half an hour earlier, and I thought I didn't have to disturb him until half past midnight. I was wrong. But I didn't reach him. So I just let him know by texting him, telling him my condition.

The bleeding has somehow made me scared of myself, I made a few trips to the bathroom to spit the blood out. I did until I was assured that the bleeding has somehow stopped. But every now and then when I feel like something is wrong I go to the bathroom just to make me feel comfortable.

May I say that I have developed some sort of phobia of this thing? I am afraid that I will bleed way to much and lost quite an amount of blood, and I am afraid that I will poison myself when the blood enters my body through the inappropriate channel. Call me silly, but that's how I feel lately.

I guess I just need some good rest after all. I hate going to the clinic. If I stay well for the next few weeks I don't have to make a trip to the Doctor. And if it doesn't happen very regularly I have a good excuse to escape going to the Doctor when my *lalala...* ask me to. Hehe...