Monday, February 26, 2007


I slept late, at 5.30 in the morning. That was the time my head hit the pillow. Some toss and turns later I fell into my slumber.

I had set the alarm on my cellphone at 9. I don't think it woke me up this morning. I remembered watching my Roomies standing in front of the mirror, making sure everything was alright before heading to class. I remembered reading some message I received. Promotional stuff. An operator logo. Pooh. I deleted the messages. Nothing from my *lalala...* this morning. *sigh!*

I woke up. The clock on my locker showed five minutes before 11. What?! I got 15 minutes to take a shower and go to class. The clock is 10 minutes earlier than the real time. Whew...

I almost stepped on Sakura, my friend, while climbing down the bed, rushing. She looked puzzled. Her class is at 12. I rushed to the shower. The door was closed. Cleaning in progress. Urghh!!! I went to the shower upstairs. Empty. Thank God! I took a quick shower and went downstairs to my room. My classmate for the 11 a.m. class was walking towards the exit. I asked her about the class. She said it was cancelled. Double urghh!!!

I opened the door, went into my room grumbling. I should have take a more proper shower. I was thinking of heading back to the shower. But, then again, nah... I'll take a shower somewhere in the noon anyway. The hot weather is killing me.

I wasted some time in front of the computer. Nothing much to do. The Internet sucked. Since a few days back. I mean, it always sucked, but not it got worse. I wish the Admins will do something about it. The College's re-branding should be more than just re-naming the College and changing the logo. The attitude and the services are the key elements needed to be revamped. The name will work its own way to fame later. But they are working things the other way around. Whatever.

The next class is at 4. I don't feel like anything now. My tummy asks to be fed. I'm going to grab something to eat.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Rational Eating Day... Not! - Part 1

No, it is not misspelled. Not National Eating Day.

I started my day late. I slept at 5 a.m. and woke up at around 9. I lazed around for some half an hour, texting with two people (as a middleman) about a car key that was supposed to be returned earlier. I finally climbed down the bed at around 9.40, quickly took a shower and dressed up in a white shirt and black pants. The morning 8 a.m. class was cancelled. The next was at 11. My tummy was grumbling, sending me signals to be fed with food. The Cafe sent some food-smelling air to my room. I felt even hungrier.

I picked up the keys and headed to the Cafe. My hungry tummy was grumbling, this time even louder than before. The key owner wasn't there. I went to my room and waited. I got a text from Dawn. The Image Processing class is cancelled. A moment later he was at the Cafe. I handed him the key and went back to my room. I was thinking of getting some lunch but Dawn said she wanted to eat at 3 p.m. Oh, well. I'll just wait.

My tummy continued its ritual of today. I went through my locker for instant food. Some cream of mushroom soup with cheese. I never tried it before. I pulled a sachet from the box, grabbed a small mug and made myself a cup of soup. I didn't notice any cheese. Oh, well... The chunky mushroom chunks are good enough to satisfy me and my tummy.

Class at 12 p.m. We had some presentation in class. This time, a talk-like presentation. One is acting like a TV show host and one as a guest speaker. I didn't pay any attention to them. They talked like they don't really know what they are doing. "A web application uses web browser to connect to the Internet." What the bl**p does that mean? For years I've understood that web browser is an example of web applications, along with e-mail application, instant messager, search engine, Internet telephony, etc. Pardon me if I'm wrong. Yes, some utilise the browser but not everything must be done through a web browser. And nobody really cares (not even the Lecturer) to correct them. Whatever. My mind started to project negative thoughts about the class. "This class is a total waste of time. I should have skip it." Until half an hour later, the Lecturer announced that we still had some few minutes for a quiz. What?! Now, everybody was not prepared. We were given five minutes to revise the topic, but I didn't have any kind of notes or references to read. I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

I finished the quiz, handed it back to the Lecturer. I texted Charlie. His class ended early. Aww... I was thinking of having some short chat with him. Whatever. I went back to my room and do nothing useful. A few minutes before the next class at 2, I took a quick shower. God! The heat is unbearable lately. I've had too many quick showers in a few hours for days.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

It's a Wednesday!

Read the title. Now most of you will associate the exclamation mark at the end as some kind of enthusiasm in the morning. Read again. Change the tone, this time, add some frustration into your tone. Put something like "Arghh!!!" in front if you don't understand what I'm trying to say.

So, have you done what I told you to? Good. We end the lesson of "Tones and Expressions" for today.

Wednesdays are the days when my classes start at 10 o'clock the earliest. The EARLIEST. I'm a late-comer, usually late by five minutes ten minutes or less. And the first class is a Lab Session. I usually wake up at 9, ask some other classmates who take the 8 a.m. class. The earlier weeks of the semester were heaven. We didn't have Lab Sessions for a few weeks, so I get to sleep more before the 12 p.m. class.

So why did I ask you to read the title with some frustration added? Well, today is a Wednesday. And on Wednesdays I have until anytime around 9.30 a.m. to sleep, then I wake up and take a shower and head to the class. But not today.

I slept late last night. I climbed up the bed at around 3.30 a.m. My eyes were itching like hell. Urghh... It happened since the night before. Now, if only I could scoop the eyeballss out and put them in some glass of water. Haha... Dusts? Maybe. But the eyes didn't itch at all the whole day and night, until it was almost my bedtime. Was the itch following the bedtime? The eyes itch coz I sleep? Or was it the other way around? I sleep coz my eyes itch.

Anyway, right before I was preparing to sleep Queenie reminded me about waking up early for 8 a.m. class. I had the alarm set at 6.50. I usually snooze on the first and second alarm. Haha... So, two 10-minute snooze, and about half an hour shower, I need to set the alarm at least an hour earlier, that is, 7 o'clock. It's good to have friends who can remind you about your own class timetable (we're not even in the same faculty!). I hate remembering class timetable, especially when I had spent the whole past week not thinking about School. What holidays are for? Hehe...

I woke up at 6. It was my Roomie's phone. I don't really notice when she arrived. Must be right before I woke up. "Half an hour more before the Rooster starts singing." And so I shut my eyes and tried to sleep. The itch didn't stop. I hate that. So I spent the next half an hour eyes shut, but sleepless. 7 o'clock. The alarm went ringing (the Rooster is "singing"), I turned it off before deciding to have some 15-minute nap. I set the alarm again. But I couldn't sleep at all, so I turned it off and climbed down the bed.

I went to take my morning shower. Brr... It was a cold one. I couldn't remember the last time I had a cold Wednesday morning shower. Then again, I don't like remembering things. Haha... I was still in the shower, with bubbles and foams from many different chemical products, cleaning myself. And suddenly something hit me. It was like waking up from a nightmare.

"I don't have 8 a.m. class on Wednesdays. The only early morning classes at 8 are on Thursdays and Fridays! No wonder waking up early today feels like alien to me. Today's first class is the Lab Session, mine is at 10!"

So now you know why I asked you to re-read the title. I finished my shower. I was thinking of studying for Calculus test tonight. I dressed up and sat down in front of the computer. I checked the progress of file transfers last night. Queenie is offline. The files will have to wait.

Here I am writing this post, my eyes itching (again!), my head is heavy, wanting to sleep. I still have an hour. Maybe a nap will do me some good.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007


I switched to a new detergent. A 2-in-1 that has both the property of a detergent and fabric softener. It is water-like clear, but with thicker consistency. I like the 'floral and fruity' smell too. Well, actually I prefer fruity to floral any day. Haha...

Let's see... Why I bought this detergent the first place? Coz I was running out of my old one, a cheap house branded detergent. I don't really mind about the brand. I use a lot of house branded stuff. As long as it works. The house brand detergent worked well for me, but I couldn't get it anywhere near the town I'm currently in (I am now in the College).

At first I was pretty skeptical about this 2-in-1 thingy. What I knew was fabric softener was supposed to get rid of the soapy thingy in the fabric left by the detergent. But the lazy part of me said I should try some. At least I don't have to wash first and soften later. I could do it at one go. And so I bought it, a small refill pack. The green/blue/pink prints on the pack was kinda cute too.

I didn't expect to use it before my midterm break. I thought the old one would be sufficient enough to last until the last day before the break. I was wrong. I have a bl**p load of things to wash before going home. And tadaa... My new detergent to the rescue. I was glad I bought it earlier. Haha...

So I washed my stuff and bla bla bla... At first I was pretty unsure about how the thing looked. I mean, how can you trust a clear, thin liquid to clean your load of jeans? The smell was good though. More to fruity than floral. And it cleaned well too. My clothes were pretty soft, but not as soft as when I used separate softener. Oh, well. I guess that's just some things I have to compromise. Then again, I will have to test the cleaning power again. I did put some non-chlorine bleach in the washing (yeah, same brand with the new detergent) so maybe it has something to do with the detergent's cleaning/softening abilities somehow. That was ten-days-or-so ago.

I was cleaning up my place this afternoon. I left a big mess before I left, it looked like a wreck. Haha... What I love about the new detergent is my clothes still smells so good. I was a bit worried about the clothes because of the damp weather lately. I'm glad things are still OK, or else I would have to wash them again today. That would be a total turn-off.

A little more clean up to do. And dinner. My homeworks can wait. Hehe... :P


No matter how hard I try, I always lose to the GF. Why is she ALWAYS better than me? I dunno. All I know is it hurts like hell. I kept on thinking about this thing between the three of us. And all I can see is that I will, eventually, be the LOSER. The SOUR LOSER who tried hard to win him gracefully, but even with dirty tricks won't get anything at the finish line. Except maybe feeling damn exhausted from trying and crying. Yeah, I cried a lot lately. Some were tearless, silent cry. Damn exhausting. I just need to let things out.

I don't feel like eating anything today. And he asked me if he had done me wrong. No. I just don't feel like eating. Yeah, probably it has something to do with him. What he had said to me. But probably not.

I'm feeling cold right now. I need to warm up a bit. Hot choc? Hmm...

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Note: This is not a post on my sexual intercourse experience. I have none.

It was Chinese New Year and the fire crackers were crackling loudly outside my house. It was my neighbours. A bunch of them are Chinese. They lived there for as long as I remembered. Now with an addition. The house next to ours is now occupied by a Chinese family. I didn't really notice if he Chinese next door had anything to do with the fire crackers. But the bunch of neighbours did. Anyway, it didn't really bother me. It was just their way ushering the New Year. Sending out the old, inviting the new.

I was in front of the PC, surfing for stuff. I clicked here and there, and there was something interesting I found. SexDictionary. No, this is not a porn site of any kind. It's a dictionary. More than a dictionary, I must say. Full of sex-related contents, but not Adult contents. Yes, it does have something like what is spoon, 69, and some other positions. But no, it does not have pornography contents in it. No sexually arousing pictures, unless if you're a true pervert who sees everything that way. You know what I mean.

The site is great for sex education. It is written by a professional. A Dutch physician (or is she a psychologist?) majoring in sexology. Yes, sexology, a field that I don't think can be found here. Sex is a taboo here. Keep that in mind.

What is the site about? I browsed a little, and here's what I think. Well, from what I see is it is aimed for teenagers who are usually clueless about sex except maybe from being exposed to Adult contents way too many times, or had first-hand experience practising the Adult contents, "because it's fun".

The site explains many things on many topics. From genital structures, menstruation, tampons, masturbation, safe sex, and even sex positions. Who knows what cunnilingus is? Spoon? Fellatio? Even if you know what they are, you don't know the proper or formal terms. Sex ed. For both girls and guys. Yes, guys should know things about girls too. And it has pictures. No erotic pictures, sorry. Pictures and illustrations on how things look like. See? It is useful.

Another great thing about it is it answers some questions that teenagers don't usually have guts to ask in public. E.g.:
  • I don't like using sanitary napkins. But I'm afraid to use tampons.
  • The tampon string broke when I try to pull it out. What am I supposed to do?
  • My labia minora is bigger than my labia majora. I'm afraid that my boyfriend will find it weird.
  • I don't feel anything when inserting my fingers into my vagina.
  • I inserted my finger into my vagina. Am I still a virgin?
  • How am I supposed to know if I entered the vagina and not the urinary tract?
  • Can I perform cunnilingus on my girlfriend on her period?
  • What is the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?
  • Is masturbating wrong?
  • I feel guilty everytime after I masturbate.

Note: These are not how the questions are written (I don't remember the exact words), but yeah, they are some questions I found on the site, with answers!

Now, who would like to ask those kind of questions to some adults? Or professionals? Some don't even have the guts to ask their peers.

I remembered when the Big People of the Nation said they wanted to introduce sex ed to school students to curb sex-related problems. Some people were like "What the bl**p are they thinking? They want the kids learn how to bl**p? In school?" Remember, sex is a taboo in the society. *sigh*

Bl**p. The Narrow Minded People don't know what the bl**p they were talking about. Neither does the Big People. Yes, the Big People know what they wanted to do, but please, get somebody to do a proper plan before you announce it to the public! Look what happened back then, when the Narrow Minded People asked, and they rejected because they didn't understand what sex ed is! Back to the point: Sex is taboo.

Now, while sex is taboo in the society, talking about sex is taboo, having it is not. Now you'll go, "Huh?" with puzzled look on your face. Well, here's what I mean. You don't talk about sex openly, you'll get people staring at you when you talk, but you know that somewhere around you, kids are having sex like they are playing some games. Fun? Whatever. They should really learn about safe sex first.

Yeah, sex outside marriage is forbidden by the religion. Many religions state so. But hey, they don't care much about the religion. As long as you have one to be identified with when you're dead, that would be good enough. You don't want to be buried in some different cemetery, would you? And since the religion says no to sex outside the marital bond, we shouldn't say anything about sex. WRONG!

While arousing talk is not allowed, educational talk is seriously needed. Just open up a bit, OK? Sex ed is not about showing erotic materials to school children so they will learn how to make love and have some time practising with friends. No! The point of having sex ed is to make sure the kids know what they are doing, and if they decided to do it, do it safely.

Back then moral problems were damn high, news about babies being aborted (usually not through proper clinical procedures) and dumped. Most of them were found already blue in colour. Some didn't even look like a whole human/human embryo, deformed badly not because of the nature, but how they were stabbed before being scraped out of the womb. Ouch! Sex in high school, pregnancy, abortion. I have heard some stories about some kids in my school who had unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and the same girls went through the same cycle again and again. Hello? Use condom please! See what I mean by the importance of sex ed? If those kids were smart enough they will definitely use some condoms. Safe sex. It is completely wrong to do it, it is in fact sinful. But yeah, safe sex please!

If they were stupid enough to have unprotected sex, causing pregnancies, can you imagine just how much damages were done without safe sex? Pregnancies and abortion is an issue. STD is another. Switching sex partners, group sex... Urghh... Even some smart girls I've heard stories of were shared by a bunch of guys. Condoms please! Stop spreading diseases if you don't want to stop switching partners. Please!

I guess the closest thing to a sex ed is the Science class. And the Biology class. To those who don't take Biology, well, not very much things are missed, but hey, you can learn something! The Science class? Not so much info. And yeah, I know many love skipping Science classes. While Science and Biology classes may have some topics related to sex, sex ed is still important. I mean, who wanted to know about girls' period, when you are a guy? How the internal structures look like when you can't do anything about it? But unwanted pregnancies and STD can be prevented. Safe sex. Sex ed. Think.

Sex ed made kids want to have sex? Puh-lease... The US schools have sex ed included in PE classes (correct me if I'm wrong) and not everybody has their cherry popped at the age of 13 or 15. If they popped their cherries, it's not the sex ed's fault. And yeah, they practise safe sex. Use condoms, no STD, no unwanted pregnancies, no abortions. Some glitches happen. But most of the time they know what they are doing. They know when to refuse. They know when to say no. They know when you have sex, you have responsibilities. Too much media portray American girls lost their virginity during high school years. While this may be true to many, most are not during the junior years, but in the senior years. Some made through high school staying virgin, and only in colleges they have sex. That is, when they reached the legal age. And no, they don't have sex 24/7. And they don't crave for sex all the time. Some don't have sex for months.

Whatever happened to the sex ed idea? I dunno. I was really hoping that the Big People could include that in school. The grown-up me back then really wanted the sex ed to give some good impact on school kids. Think of the consequences before you even think of having sex. Now? I don't really know what is in the school syllabus now. I don't know if the sex ed idea made into schools.

SexDictionary is useful as a reference. And it is written by a professional who knows what she is doing, and what she is saying. Kill your curiosity by learning from sites like this, materials like in it. Not by watching pornographies.

Sexology. Now, if only the Big People in Education have people who are expert in this field.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


I suddenly crave for some hot beef bone soup. By hot, I mean spicy hot and high-temperature hot. Maybe it's the weather. I remembered looking outside the window of my bedroom. The rain was falling. I cancelled the plan to go for a movie with Xell. His place is raining too, and he needed to get some tasks done. He agreed to meet "later, someday" as we both are going back to college in a few days time.

That was somewhere before afternoon. I fell asleep, then woke up in the afternoon. Still raining. I felt like getting back to sleep before realising that I had already overslept.

I went down and switched on the monitor of the PC. The PC had been on since a few days ago. I left it on to download large files. I checked the downloading progress and went upstairs for a shower.

Late lunch, and nobody was home. I ate my meal in front of the PC. Multitasking is normal for me. Maybe I need to learn to sit down and eat my meal properly at the dinner table.

I was actually craving for some soup. Clear broth soup. Chicken, beef, veggie. I prefer beef over chicken. I remembered eating the soup with some bread or rice. White bread slices are torn into smaller pieces, dipped in the soup. Yum...

Here's a recipe I found on the Internet. But I'm not sure when will I cook such thing. I don't cook.

Cooking + Me = Mismatched couple.

Haha... Anyway, here it is.
(This is not a traditional recipe, I think this is from some Mediterranean one. The broth can be eaten as it is, or be used as base for some other recipes, usually in Western recipes.)

Beef Broth

4 pounds cracked beef marrow, shin, and/or shank bones, with meat on them

1 large onion, cut into eighths

4 ripe plum tomatoes, cut in half (optional)

1 carrot, cut up

2 celery stalks, cut up

1 leek, split lengthwise, washed well, cut up

10 black peppercorns

Bouquet garni, tied together in cheesecloth, consisting of 3 sprigs fresh parsley, 1 sprig fresh thyme, 2 fresh sage leaves, and 1 bay leaf

4 quarts water

Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

  1. Put all the ingredients, except the salt and pepper, in a stock pot, bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Skim the surface of foam until no more appears. Partially cover and simmer on a very low heat for no less than 6 hours.
  2. Pour the broth through a cone-shaped strainer and discard all the bones, meat, vegetables, and bouquet garni. Now pour the broth through the strainer lined with cheesecloth. Season with salt and pepper.
  3. To de-fat the broth, let it rest in a refrigerator until the fat congeals on the top and can be lifted off. The broth can be frozen for up to 6 months.

Variation: To turn this broth into a fond brun de veau, replace the beef with veal and start by browning the meat in hot clarified butter in a large skillet until they are golden brown, turning with tongs. Remove to the stock pot. Add the onion and 2 peeled carrots cut into rounds to the skillet; when the onions have yellowed, remove to the stock pot and continue with the recipe. Alternatively, place the meat bones in a roasting pan and roast at 425 degrees F until well browned before using.

Makes 2 to 3 quarts

Friday, February 16, 2007


Finally my long-awaited parcel is here. Brian sent me a parcel a week ago. Wait. Was it a week ago or more? I think more. Anyway, it was in the Main Post Office on Valentine's Day, February 14. luckily V day is not a holiday, or else it would take longer to reach me. Hmm...

So, what does this parcel looks like? A white-and-blue cardboard cube. A box. No special wrappings of any sort. Some handwriting scribbled on top of it, a green piece of paper on the side. The date was February 7. So it was over a week ago. Sounds unfamiliar with how the parcel looks like? Well, this one came all the way from the US. Things are different there than here.

Anyway, it was sealed with clear cellophane-tape. I took a blade and cut the tape open. Inside are some bubble wraps, red in colour. The first thing I took out was a web cam. A small one-eyed alien lookalike with a tripod stand (almost like the aliens in War of the Worlds, only with a lot shorter tripods). A Creative. One of its leg is broken. That wasn't so bad. It's still working just well (well, that's what Brian told me).

I searched for something else in the box. Yeah! It's there. A blue Fujifilm jewel-cased CD. The Enemy Remains. Six songs from the Enemy Remains, all the way from the US, for me! I popped the CD into the drive. The songs are, well, loud. I used to listen to those kind of songs, but now I don't feel like it. Maybe later. I listened halfway through the third song and stopped.

My brother was home. He discovered the box. He just couldn't believe that it was from the US. Especially when I said it was from somebody who is really a resident there, born and bred there. Not some friends who is studying there. A free web cam from the US? Haha... My brother popped the bubble wraps. No way! They're mine!

There are some installation CD and a manual included in the box. I don't feel like going to have a look at them. Later. First I have to figure out how to make the web cam stands properly.


Yeah... I'm almost done with renaming people. Maybe there are some names yet to be replaced. I'll do it later. I need some more time to check my posts and the names. Hmm...

Queenie's new blog is up! ++muLberry tRee++ Still in testing mode. She's trying to find a good blogging service. Maybe I'll follow her suit if I want something fancier than just texts in my blog.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Valentine - Part 2

I woke up late. I rushed to the bathroom for my morning shower. It was 9.20 a.m. We planned to get out of the house at 10 a.m. I shouldn't have that extra minutes of sleep. Hmm... I finished my shower, dressed up in my black Schwarzenbach's Hers and a pair of blue jeans, I went downstairs and sat in front of the PC. I still had some few minutes before 10. Then I went to the kitchen. Dad left some breakfast on the table. I grabbed mine. I ate in front of the PC. Sometimes my fingers were dancing on the keyboard, sometimes my hand was shoving the meal into my mouth.

I remembered calling my *lalala...* saying I will be a bit late. I couldn't finish my breakfast before 10, but I didn't tell him that. I called him. No answer. Another few attempts, but still no answer. Then I received a message from him. He just woke up. I continued eating my breakfast, and spent some more time on the PC.

I went out at around 11. He just finished taking his bath. His injury made him took some time. By the time I hopped on the train, he was walking out of his house. We were supposed to meet at the Central before going to the LYP. He didn't plan a V. Day out with me. He only wanted to buy a new RAM for his notebook. He was in a tight budget. He had 512 MB in mind for the maximum price of $ 300. Me? I was supposed to help him in finding cheap RAM, coz I'm familiar with the LYP areas. Not a romantic way to spend the first V. Day together, huh?

He arrived at the Central at noon. We went to the LYP area. I remembered buying mine from a shop near the LYP, I decided to check the price at the shop first. My *lalala...*, on the other hand, decided to buy straight from the shop. His injury prevented him from walking long distance. Ouch! I need to keep that in mind.

The Guy at the counter was loud. He was the same talkative guy I knew from back then (was it a year ago or two?) when I bought mine. We asked for the price of the 512 MB. Then the price of the 1 GB. The price difference was little, and still within his budget. My *lalala...* decided to take the 1 GB piece. A Kingston 1 GB SO-DIMM DDR 333 (PC 2700). The exact same stuff cost me $ 500 back then per piece (I bought two) but my *lalala...* just need to shell out some $ 350 now. *sigh* Things are a hell lot cheaper now. And why must DDRI costs much more than the DDRII counterpart? Huhu~

The shop ran out of stock of the item we requested. The Guy went to the shop's other branch for the item but to no avail. He asked from some other shop too. They only had the 1 GB in some other brand. I offered to trade mine (a Kingston) with his (the one available was from Apacer), if he really wanted a Kingston, but he declined. He took the Apacer right away. It was a bit cheaper than a Kingston. He paid the price, the RAM propped in place, and we headed to the opposite Square to watch a movie.

We first went to the bookstore, Borders. Valentine's Day is his sister's birthday. What a surprise! He bought a book for her. I bought some Sudoku puzzles for myself. We went to the cinema, browsed through the screening lists and bought ourselves tickets. Blood and Chocolate. The promo cardboard cutout showed a girl with some wolves. The caption caught my attention. We planned to watch two movies but the evening shows start late, we will miss our trains home. We skipped the second movie.

We went up the elevator to the 10th floor, to the Food Court. It was around 2.30 p.m. The movie was at 4.45. He ordered some chicken with some rice. I ordered a bowl of Korean seafood ramyon (Korean version of Japanese ramen?) The food was pricey, but I guess mine was pretty OK at $ 7.50 (excluding tax) considering the average $ 12 per bowl at some Korean restaurant. But then again, yeah, pricey. The Korean restaurant would definitely make better dishes.

My cousin called at 3 p.m. I was supposed to meet him to pick something up. He asked me to meet him at the McD's in BB/SWP. I ate my ramyon and left my *lalala...* alone at the Food Court. He was talking on the phone with the GF (she called him on a V. Day while he was going out with me!) and he looked happy talking with her, there was no reason for me to wait. And I didn't want to keep my cousin waiting either. I left my *lalala...* before he could say anything. I walked to the elevator, I almost cried thinking about how happy they were together and how he will leave me for her. My phone vibrated. I received a text from him. "Walk safely." That was the least he could do for me.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine - Part 1

I'm going out with my *lalala...* on Valentine's Day. Yay! I just can't wait for the sun to come up.

My clock showed 12 a.m. I wished him a happy Valentine's Day. He didn't seem to be enthusiastic about it. Yeah, I know he doesn't celebrate this day. I don't either. I was only hoping that he would understand why am I so excited about today. This is actually my first Valentine's Day out with the guy I really love. Oh, wait. Last year, I was with him too. Only that he was with the GF that time. Wait, was it on the Day or the day before that? We (yours truly and *lalala...*, GF not included) went out together and bought pairs of Schwarzenbach's 'Couple T-Shirt', both black and white pairs. I took the white His and black Hers. He took the black His and white Hers. He sent the white Hers to her by postage the next day. Ouch. I was damn jealous. He said he was broke. What the hell was the T-shirt for? Where did the money come from? He was never 100% broke for her. If only she realised how lucky she is not having to know how he had to cut his allowance to save some money for her.

Back to today. The first was to kill my enthusiasm by responding like that. OK, fine with me. The next thing that was killing me was when he questioned me on the things I thought he already knew. He asked me whether I have had sex before. Hell no! With that "No" came the reply, "Stop kidding. Tell me the truth." Double ouch. I wasn't kidding. I thought he already knew things about me and already accepted the things I told him. Bl**p. And why the bl**p does he have to ask me on the Day?

He called a few moments later, saying he was sorry. The stupid, sentimental me just melted at his voice. He told me about things people said about me, and how he felt about them. He said he asked me to know the truth. I was OK a few moments later.

I have a few hours before the time we're supposed to meet up. I guess I need to sleep a bit earlier than usual. Hmm...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Clean Up

I'm cleaning up my hard disk drives. One step at a moment. Now I'm pretty sure I can get things done. My had disk is undergoing the cleaning process. Not just some formatting, but thorough cleaning.

Just now Nat a.k.a the Read guy gave me a duplicate finder software. Yay! I was downloading a trial copy of CloneMaster myself. So it's either the Duplicate Finder or the CloneMaster. Either way, say buh-bye to duplicate files! I can't keep track of how many duplicates I have in my disk. Now is the time to get rid of them.

Note: To Nat, thanx (^_^)


Damn! I was posting the entry just now when I accidentally hurt my little toe. Huhu~ (!_!) I should clip the nail earlier. I knew this is going to happen. But I didn't expect it to be this bad.

A cut on the little toe + A missing toe nail = Ouch!!!

It bleed. I hope it isn't as nasty as I think it is. So I guess I really need to take a good rest now (sigh!)


I was down with fever a couple of days back (-_-) I felt like I need to blog about some stuff, but I guess that will have to wait until I feel really OK. I'm better than yesterday anyway. I just need some more rest.

I planned to rename people in this blog. I should come up with appropriate names for each of them (especially the regulars in my posts), not just some initials. So that means I'll have to dig up the old posts and edit them. I was stupid for not doing it earlier. Heheh :P (I did think of doing it.)

Monday, February 12, 2007

No More Mulberry Tree?

Queenie accidentally deleted her blog. Not just an entry, but the whole thing! I hope she won't stop writing. This blog is made for her to encourage her continue writing. I hope I can read hers again.

Gambatte ne!!! p(^_^)q

Friday, February 9, 2007


People around me are cheating. It's the midterm tests' week, it's understandable. Tiny pieces of papers are the greatest weapons for students. I don't have courage to do such things. I just don't know how. Haha... Silly me. Or else I could score better marks the previous semesters.

The midterm break is coming! Yay! Just now a guy asked me if I would be home for the one week holiday. He's asking me out. He already has a girlfriend, and he knows I already have my *lalala...*

I was planning to go out with my *lalala...* but his injury is worrying me. If he couldn't walk well then we'll cancel the plan spending some time together.

If I cancel the plan going out with my *lalala...* but still want to go out somewhere, spending some time with someone, I have this guy to keep me company. Could that be considered as cheating? Hmm...

My Dear Diaryland

I found my old online diary postings. Diaryland. Back then blogging is for personal satisfaction. Now some use blogs for money, for fame. But some really good, famous blogs are created for personal satisfaction, but the contents are sooooooooo good, they shoot the writer up to fame. Yes, they deserve something for being good.

I forgot when I created the blog. I knew it was old, but I didn't expect it survived through these years. I thought inactive accounts will be deleted. Haha...

I checked the date of the earliest entry. March 28, 2003. A month before my 18th birthday. The last is on my 19th birthday, April 28, 2004. So I can consider myself old enough in online journal writing. Haha :P

The posts are mostly about me being rebellious, hating pretty much everything, being bitter... I was just a teenager, OK? Oh... You'll notice lots of "TV, TV, TV" in the entries. That was just soooooooo me.

You can read the entries here.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

What Do You Think?

A friend wrote about the brain in her food blog. She described the brain as "‘ripe avocado’ like organ," which I don't really know how far the truth is, because I have never seen or touch a ripe avocado. You can read about it here.

I remembered reading brain facts for fun. Yup. At times I will pick something from the search engine (usually something to do with my assignments) and will click on link(s) in the pages. And another link(s), and another link(s). My web browser then will be loaded with colourful tabs, once the number was more than 50 in one window. Yes, I have some two or three other windows running. With tabs in each of them.

Back to the brain story. About human not using the brain to its full capacity. Human thoughts only occupy 10% of it. So what is your brain doing with the remaining 90%?

90% is a great number. Somebody said that we should somehow discover what the 90% is doing, when we know now we only use 10%. Wasted? Rot? Idle? What say you?

And here's an opinion expressed by another someone (sorry I couldn't name both, or the sources. My brain needs more practice). We don't want to know what the brain is doing. I repeat, we DON'T want to know what the brain is doing.

The logic is simple. And I respected him (him doesn't specifically refer to that gender, it's universal) for thinking out of the box (or maybe he had read somewhere about it, and expressing it as a comment, I don't know) when everybody is guessing where the 90% go and what they are doing and people (ordinary, not-so-ordinary, scientists, etc.) are like "Let's find out how to maximise the usage, we shouldn't waste that huge amount."

We DON'T want to know. Why? Well, he said the remaining 90% is doing jobs we don't want to know. Who wants to monitor the chemical level in his own body? Who wants to know what the cells are doing?

I am a computer science student. Then again, even if I'm not a computer science student, I can relate these things with computer. It is like using the computer. You pop up an application, it does this, it does that. You don't see the binary codes in it changing on and off, on and off to do what you ask it to do. And yes, you run that one application, but there are many other applications running in the background (just hope they are not viruses!)

Get the idea? OK. Back to the brain story.

Can you imagine what a life would be like when you are aware of every single thing going on? Imagine the sleepless nights you have when you are worried about someone you love, being far away from you, down with fever, perhaps.

Imagine if you have that kind of feeling when you are aware that your body needs more iron or calcium or your kidney is disposing the excessive water you consumed just now. Or the food you eat for lunch, the body is breaking the carbon chains, this stuff goes here, that one goes here and this one goes there.

If currently when you feel like peeing, you just know that "Uh-oh... My bladder is full, I need to go now." If you were to be aware of everything the brain is doing, you'll be like "I drank 5 glasses of water at one go this afternoon, now my body temperature is regulated, my cells are hydrated but I realised that I had drank more than enough, the kidneys are now doing their job. The water goes to the bladder. Uh-oh... My bladder is almost full. Just a bit more and I'll need to go to the toilet. OK, now it's full, I need to go."

Or the skin, regulating the body temperature. "The temperature is low, my body needs to warm up a bit. The receptors are signalling for the mechanism. My hair is rising, I have goose bumps on my skin, because the skin is trying not to lose the body heat too much to the environment, and the hair is trapping the air, creating an air blanket so the skin warms a bit."

If knowing 100% what the brain is doing makes you a super human, out of the ordinary, well, count me out. I just want to be a plain, silly me. I'd rather stick to the 10% than having to be aware of the tiny little things the brain is doing.

Maybe expanding the brain capabilities a bit more (some extra 10% maybe?) will be great. I mean, things like telepathy, telekinesis, clairvoyance, precognition - the sixth senses - would be cool in some ways. People with these abilities, are they using some portions of the 90%? Hmm...

But really, if what the guy expressed (about the brain doing things you don't want to know) is true, I will opt for not knowing everything. 10% is enough. I don't even feel like I'm using the maximum of the 10%. Hehe...

Image Processing midterm test tomorrow morning. I don't want to think about it.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

What Drives You?

I was excited since a few days ago. What drives me? Blood donation programme. This time, with organ donation programme. It was organised by some first year students as a group project for a subject.

What made me all excited? I donated for the second time! What's so special about it, you say? Well, those who know me well will understand why.

I had tried some few times to donate my blood before. Since I was 18. So many incidents happened, I couldn't donate my blood.

The first one was in Pre-U College. I was all excited to donate, I counted the days every day. But somehow I was unlucky. I forgot about it when the day came. I went out, and was too tired to walk to the designated place (the Mobile Unit came to the College).

My second attempt was when I was here, the place I'm studying in currently. I failed the preliminary stage. I was rejected because My blood pressure was low. I didn't have enough sleep the night before. The worse part was when the doctor asked me weird questions, presuming I was having hallucinations or something, that prevented me from sleeping. Precious words of the day:

Are you sure you're not seeing things, hearing things? A normal teenager like you should be able to sleep, and should sleep for eight hours per night.

Note: He was stressing the things.

That was my starting point of lying about my sleep. I hardly get enough sleep per day every day (the minimum hour was five, I didn't know until today, but yeah, I usually sleep less than that).

Anyway, I failed the next few attempts with various reasons. Low blood pressure, low iron, low sugar, low everything. High body temperature (I was fine, I swear!) Arghh!!!

I tried hard lying about my condition. I drink hot choc or cereal drinks in the morning, eat meat and liver at lunch an hour before testing the blood, a nap so I appear to be fresh... One lie at a time. But I'll fail for the other reasons.

Every time I failed to donate, I grumbled whenever I walk past the posters. And grumbled att the radio ads calling for the public to donate blood. Yeah, I am like that. I often say "They ask people who don't want to donate to donate, but they refused the people who really wants to donate (me)."

I was finally able to donate on March 06. Last year. Finally, my own Little Red Book! Yay! (^_^) I wasn't afraid of the needle. I just hoped I didn't passed out. Hehe... I didn't. Some snacks afterwards: chocolate wafers, candies, cake, fruit juice, boiled egg.

Today I went to the venue where the event took place. The people were taking a break, so I waited for an hour or so. I realised my body temperature had raised, my nose and throat were dry, I felt like coughing. Uh-oh... Please don't tell me I just caught a fever.

I waited for my turn. I passed the first stage. My iron level was sufficient. Then the second stage. My blood pressure was OK. Then the next counter, where the guy in-charge put some stickers in my LRB, and some barcode stickers to label my blood later. I even got a key-chain this time!

A few while later I was lying on the bed. Pressure was applied on my right arm. Then, a big needle pierced my skin. I didn't see how it went into my vein. Blood flowing out of the tube attached to the needle. A few moments later the bag was full with my blood. The needle going in didn't hurt much, it was when it was taken out that I felt a little pain. I suddenly remembered a scene where someone (a girl, if I remembered well) donated her blood, everything went smoothly until when the bag was full. Somehow the blood was contaminated. A fault while handling the bag, I guess. The whole bag was wasted. I took a quick look at my arm. The needle was taken out. The officer asked me to apply some pressure on that tiny wound.

I lay still for some few minutes. The blood stopped, an officer put a plaster on it, and I headed out of the building. Wait. Somebody stopped me, asking me to get some treat in another room. A slice of choc cake and a hard-boiled egg. I skipped the drink.

I went out and asked for the certificate (yup, this time every donor gets a certificate). I sat down at the registration counter. A green card caught my attention. It was the organ donation form. I asked for a pen and filled out the form. People at the counter (my classmates for Calculus) asked me if I had discussed the matter with my family. Nope. My family didn't know a thing about it. It was a 'right here, right now' thing.

An info one of them revealed: our Calculus lecturer was the first to submit the form. Maybe it has something to do with his health condition. Hmm...

Anyway, the funny part while filling the form was the guy at the counter was shocked when I ticked 'All' (all organs for donation) and started to imagine being skinless. Yup, skin is an organ, and is listed in the form. We, the girls, just laughed. We explained to him, donating the skin doesn't make anyone completely skinless. Only some parts will be taken - e.g. the skin from the butt.

I walked to the Cafe with some friends. I couldn't imagine when people started to think how to bury me when I am dead, as all the organs are taken out, the insides, the bones, the skin and the eyes. Haha... It was funny somehow. But it wasn't in a way. This kind of perception is what preventing conservative-minded people from donating.

Here's what everybody should know about organ donation. Correct me if I'm wrong.
  1. Not every organ listed to be donated will be healthy enough by the time you're dead.
  2. Not all organs will be taken out at that one time, leaving you organless.
  3. Not every organ will have suitable receiver when you're dead, so they don't need to take all organ out. Usually they have a waiting list for organ receiver. If none is compatible with your organ, you get to keep it.
  4. If your organ is dead or damaged and nothing could be done with it, they won't take it. What's the point of keeping a dead organ anyway?
  5. You will still keep most of your skin.
  6. Organs are not like plastic. The people keep it cold so it rot slower, not completely not rot. If there is no receiver in the waiting list, then they won't keep the organ.
So here I am, babbling about organ donation. This is not the only thing happening today. A hand-on test at 8.30 p.m. I'm going to take a nap. Zzz...

Sunday, February 4, 2007


I suddenly remembered how, when I was a kid, access to good stuff are limited. Right now I'm talking about books.

I used to love reading. I still am, only that I have less time for reading now. I have plenty of my time occupied with other stuff.

I read a lot of stuff, from adult magazines (not Adult, you know what I mean!) to kiddie comics, light articles to newspapers, to dictionaries, teenage novels. Even pretty advertisements! The list goes on...

Here I want to talk about how lucky kids are nowadays. And how sad, they never actually appreciate what they have now.

I used to read Enid Blyton's series. I bet everybody my age had. Blyton had lots of mild adventures series. Different characters, different places. A Blyton book is easily recognised by the signature printed on top of the cover, as well as at the side of the book.

I grew up reading Blytons. Unfortunately, they were the translated version. I didn't get my hand on any English version. The places are changed, the names remained the same. It did sounded weird those days. I was no kiddie-kid back then. My thoughts were like an adult. I did a lot of thinking and questioning. I often questioned myself why the bl**p do the stories made no sense to me.

As I grew up I started to understand why they didn't make any sense. The translation made them like that. I mean, well, maybe some kids will just accept whatever thing you give them. Just swallow it even if it made no sense. It was only a fiction anyway.

To me, reading story book is not just for fun. Yes, it is fun. Better than reading a journal. But picking up a story book is more than just that, for whatever story in it. We pick up the culture that comes with it. Imagine having the text preserved, except for some changes in the names or places (not the main characters' names). Things would definitely sound weird.

Imagine an old stone castle with cellars, dungeons and basements in Singapore. Or a house with paper walls and sliding doors in the US. I just can't. I was into logical thinking. I was serious.

Comparing then and now, kids now are lucky. They have easy access to books of all types. Books are now cheaper than it used to be, considering the exchange rates and all. Back then even a locally printed book is not really cheap. Really cheap ones are the ones translated and printed locally.

Now kids can buy prints exactly like what the author has written. They cost a bit cheaper because they are printed locally, or somewhere in the same region. And they have lots of English reading materials to choose from. How I wished to be like them!

But there is a trend going on. These lucky kids take things for granted. They never actually appreciate the luxury of having reading materials. Too much things to distract them from books, I guess. Books are made plays, movies. Who cares about reading anymore?

Another trend that worries me is the trend of not learning English! Hello... English IS important. It's a world's language. Some people say "The Japanese don't speak English, they're doing well." Excuse me, we are not the Japanese, OK? Plus, they DO learn English. And they speak better English than us! OK maybe not all of them. But people who have access to English really utilise that. They use Japanese as the main language, but that doesn't mean they neglected English.

I stress English usage as important, not because I am not proud with my own mother-tongue. I speak in my mother-tongue most of the time. English is mostly used for bl**ping. But I am aware of the importance, and so I try to use it a lot. I don't want my English to rot.

Whatever. I guess I need to include some few minutes of traditional paper books in my daily schedule. Now where can I find those extra minutes? Hmm...

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Let's Talk Business

Today I woke up early enough to have some extra minutes of sleep before actually waking up.

I slept on the cold floor again last night. No pillow, no blanket, and this time, NO JACKET! Yup. I was there, lying dead for some few hours. Blame it on the Internet (or should I thank it for being such a pain-in-the-bl**p?)

I was having an online discussion last night for the business talk today. One of us would be the first presenter of our business idea. The group was talking craps 90% of the time. I thought I missed anything important when I was offline (the Net is to be blamed!) but luckily I didn't.

So I *finally* woke up and got my bl**p moving at 8.30 a.m. I took a shower, a pretty quick one. Today I wore my corporate white shirt. Yup. The corporate look. I was thinking of donning a tie, maybe a black one. But it would be too much, I guess. I wasn't very eager the first place, so why should I dress up like I'm soooooooo into it?

I was a bit late, but the talk wasn't started yet that time. Anyway, I sat at the second row in the Conference Room. But it was OK. I was hoping that the speakers never to call me to answer questions or anything. I'm not into those kind of stuff. Yeah, I missed the chance to grab some goodies from her (the speaker). What a waste! She got chocolate bars, choc chip cookies and stuff!!!

The first slot was about what is the whole talk is about. TYIB - Turning Your Idea into Business. What does it says there? Yup, turning your idea into business. It was about being an entrepreneur. To be precise, a technopreneur. I couldn't find that word in the dictionary (yeah, I love dictionaries!) but I guess it was just some term coined to fit a situation here.

Technology + Entrepreneur = Technopreneur. The word is widely used here, I thought it must be in the dictionary, but I was wrong. Ohh... What a shocking fact! How lovely. I love surprises.

Back to the talk. Technopreneurship. Selling an idea, something to do with technology, especially ICT (Information and Communication Technology), turning it into a profitable business. It was an eye-opening talk for most of us, I guess. I can see some people are dreaming of swimming in a pool of money now. Hmm...

Morning tea break. The guys in charge of food had wrong estimation, I guess. Or somebody gobbled up more than their portion. I ate half an egg sandwich, it was T's. I truly appreciate that piece. I calmed my grumbling tummy down with some few cups of milk tea. It helped a bit, but it made my throat dry. I need plain water, please!

The second slot was about funding. Pre-seed funding of the idea-into-biz thing. Usually people have trouble in surviving the pre-seed stage, the stage before the seed stage. The pre-seed stage is where the idea is developed into a prototype, before it can be developed into a complete product (seed stage).

I did ask a question in the Q & A session of the second slot. I guess it wasn't a stupid one. Mine was:

What if the business idea submitted exceeded the maximum allowed grant of 150 k, but I am willing to fork out some money from somewhere else?

The answer:

Well, if you have some other sources to fund the exceeding costs, you should state so in your application. If we see that, we will know that you are really determined that the idea would be successful, thus, we see bigger potential and we will try our best to help.

I didn't get a choc for that one. Hmm...

Lunch break. I skipped the free meal, went to the cafe and found nothing! No food today. I'm not really a picky eater, but I need veggies. No veggies, no meal. That's pretty much how people see me. I went to my room and made myself a cup of instant noodles. No veggies, but I'm not picky about instant noodles without veggies. It tasted good. I hadn't eaten any instant noodles for a while.

Third slot - the Presentation. My group had picked a guy to represent us. I thought it was a bad choice. I just can't trust him. But yeah, he needed to learn something about the idea. They were late. We, the girls were about to present our idea, when they *finally* showed up. The guys explained the idea wrong. Luckily it was only a round-table presentation, more like a discussion. I took over (it was my idea, my concept anyway), and luckily the representative we were talking to grasped the idea well. He said it wasn't new (I know) but overall, it was a pretty neat concept (a last-minute thinking, OK?) but we need to work hard if we really want to make it successful.

I guess the whole TYIB thing made me somehow grow up. I mean, I was somehow an adult there. I was me in my school days. My early school days. Age 10 and thinking about serious stuff, being serious in stuff, no kidding around me when you talk about tasks.

What I had learned today:

There are plenty of ideas, but it takes courages (and a lot of money) to make it happens.

150 k grants for people with good ideas, to make the ideas working.

Get your good ideas patented! If it's really good, people may want to steal it. Get a patent! A copyright or anything like that! Make money from it.

I have lots of ideas, I could actually sell them. But I'm not the technical type, I can make people see the concept from my point of view, but I don't have enough skills to make it into a working prototype.

I'm a visualiser. Spatial visual is one of my things, my abilities (I may get the term wrong, pardon me). Now I can see how it's going to help me.

Friday, February 2, 2007


Somebody else read my blog. Other than the two who I knew. Yup. He found mine through a link from a friend's friend's blog.

I only figured that out when he said he read my blog. He asked if I had any, so I gave the link to mine. A few moments later he said he already read it. I was puzzled for a while. I thought he read my posts in my Multiply (these two are linked). Turned out he read THIS one, the one with pink background and all.

He was a friend I knew back then in my first year in College. Online buddy, with some few bunch of guys. And he is my former Roomie's classmate. I appreciate he appreciates my blog in English (my English is not good, OK, and I'm still learning). And yeah, we both love expressing stuff in English. The words are easier to flow out of the brain straight to the mouth. Or in this case, the fingers. Bl**pings are a lot easier in English, without the words sounding weird. Hehe...

He helped me choosing a profile picture. Yay! I was thinking of revamping my blog someday. It will still be pink. To keep my anonymity. Hehe... The picture is sort of a first step. I'll do more later. I did do some search on free Blogger templates on the Net, but I was thinking of putting my HTML skills to use. I'll figure it out later.

I guess it's an OK thing actually, letting other people reading what I write in here. Getting anonymous comments would be nice, especially if I have troubles over things or anything else.

Maybe I'll need a tracker. A counter or something.

Maybe not.


I just realised what a jerk I was to my *lalala...*. Yup, I was a jerk. I only realised it when we talked. He had a test just now. Then we talked, like nothing had happened between us. But I was quiet most of the time. He knew what I was thinking about.

I had dinner with Charlie. We actually sat down and ate some meals together, not just some quick burgers. I was glad to see him. We didn't have a lot of time to sit and talk lately. We were both busy. We sat, talked a bit, and he went home.

I'm glad I still can talk and smile and laugh a bit in front of him, after this 'thing' with my *lalala...* the day before. I thought I was going to be all silent. I did show him some pictures from the dinner the night before. He didn't believe it was me in the pictures, with make-up and all. I snapped a couple of pictures of him. He looked cute, like a little child. I wondered how he looked like in his childhood.

I went to my room. I plopped down on the floor, my loyal computer was already waiting. It always is, I seldom turn it off. I need to take care of it better.

I chatted with the Queen. She was on Skype. I told her what a jerk I was, after skipping the day's class, sleeping some few hours and all. She said it was OK, it was normal to act like that. It wasn't. I felt guilty pushing him into choosing: me, or the GF.

I told her about my *lalala...*'s health condition. He had severe mysterious headache that had caused him to skip a whole school year back then when he was little. He had to stay in the hospital, a lot of blood drawn from him. He is now phobia with needles. He learned to cope with the pain through all these years. Whenever he is stressed, he will suffer a terrible pain, and so he will sleep to ease the pain. He did take Ponstan quite regularly, lying to the doctor what it was for. He's a sports guy, getting injured during training sessions or games is normal. The doctor usually believes him.

Another fact about the pain is it happens more frequently as he grows up. The gaps between the attacks (could it be considered as an attack?) gets shorter. Four years, three years, two years... And the pain gets more and more intense each time. We saw a pattern of it. What will happen when it reaches zero? He will be 23 when the time comes. Now he is 21, entering 22. We only have one year tp be together, pretending like everything is alright. What will happen when he reaches 23? After 23? Will he stay alive, or what? Will he even reach 23? We never want to think about it. But I often do. I don't know if he does. And I don't know if the GF knows about this.

I am always aware of his situation, but somehow I forgot all about it when he said he was thinking of getting back to the GF. I was being a jerk when I kept on asking about us.

The Queen was there to listen to my whine. Thanks. I truly appreciate that. She scolded me for not being aware of what I was doing to him, and I knew I was wrong. And she knew too why I kept on blaming myself for being selfish on this.

I am sorry. But I hadn't apologised to him yet.

To Queenie, thanks for being there for me. I know you have problems of your own, but you still spend some time for me. I can't thank you enough.

Thursday, February 1, 2007


I just got back from a dinner party. The whole thing was not really good.

My *lalala...* is texting me right now. The topic? The GF.

He asks me what if they get back together. What else can I say? Go ahead. Or is he expecting me to congrats her? To congrats them both?

No, he's not being mean. I know he's stuck between me and her. He was hurt. But she is suffering right now. If you ask me, I'll say it's her own fault.

He's feeling guilty for what is happening to her. Bl**p her. Yes, that's what I really want to say. Bl**p her.

I am being mean. I AM. I just don't want to lose him.

Back to the text. He asks me, if they are together, what about me? What? Should I say the truth? The truth that I have had this pain, like being stabbed in the heart (what he call heart-ache. Is it?) when he was still with the GF, when we are currently together (yes, now) and I will always live with that pain when they are once again united.

I think he knows me well enough. I think he knows that I am crying right now. But I pretended like everything is OK. So what if they are back together? Just be happy. Don't worry about me.

Bl**p what I said. He knows that I am hurt, that I am crying. I just don't know what will he do later. He knows I need him now. That's why he's being good enough, brave enough to ask me. He could just leave me or lie to me, pretending like I am still his girl, while his heart is filled with her, with their (new) relationship.

I hate faking myself. I hate being like this.

Somebody please rip my heart out.
Somebody please leave me to bleed.
Somebody please take my life.
Somebody please make him stay with me.
Somebody please...