Friday, February 2, 2007


I just realised what a jerk I was to my *lalala...*. Yup, I was a jerk. I only realised it when we talked. He had a test just now. Then we talked, like nothing had happened between us. But I was quiet most of the time. He knew what I was thinking about.

I had dinner with Charlie. We actually sat down and ate some meals together, not just some quick burgers. I was glad to see him. We didn't have a lot of time to sit and talk lately. We were both busy. We sat, talked a bit, and he went home.

I'm glad I still can talk and smile and laugh a bit in front of him, after this 'thing' with my *lalala...* the day before. I thought I was going to be all silent. I did show him some pictures from the dinner the night before. He didn't believe it was me in the pictures, with make-up and all. I snapped a couple of pictures of him. He looked cute, like a little child. I wondered how he looked like in his childhood.

I went to my room. I plopped down on the floor, my loyal computer was already waiting. It always is, I seldom turn it off. I need to take care of it better.

I chatted with the Queen. She was on Skype. I told her what a jerk I was, after skipping the day's class, sleeping some few hours and all. She said it was OK, it was normal to act like that. It wasn't. I felt guilty pushing him into choosing: me, or the GF.

I told her about my *lalala...*'s health condition. He had severe mysterious headache that had caused him to skip a whole school year back then when he was little. He had to stay in the hospital, a lot of blood drawn from him. He is now phobia with needles. He learned to cope with the pain through all these years. Whenever he is stressed, he will suffer a terrible pain, and so he will sleep to ease the pain. He did take Ponstan quite regularly, lying to the doctor what it was for. He's a sports guy, getting injured during training sessions or games is normal. The doctor usually believes him.

Another fact about the pain is it happens more frequently as he grows up. The gaps between the attacks (could it be considered as an attack?) gets shorter. Four years, three years, two years... And the pain gets more and more intense each time. We saw a pattern of it. What will happen when it reaches zero? He will be 23 when the time comes. Now he is 21, entering 22. We only have one year tp be together, pretending like everything is alright. What will happen when he reaches 23? After 23? Will he stay alive, or what? Will he even reach 23? We never want to think about it. But I often do. I don't know if he does. And I don't know if the GF knows about this.

I am always aware of his situation, but somehow I forgot all about it when he said he was thinking of getting back to the GF. I was being a jerk when I kept on asking about us.

The Queen was there to listen to my whine. Thanks. I truly appreciate that. She scolded me for not being aware of what I was doing to him, and I knew I was wrong. And she knew too why I kept on blaming myself for being selfish on this.

I am sorry. But I hadn't apologised to him yet.

To Queenie, thanks for being there for me. I know you have problems of your own, but you still spend some time for me. I can't thank you enough.

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