Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Pot Posts

Maybe some of you are wondering about the pot posts before. Well, they are just some reminders that some comments are better kept for oneself, especially when you are exactly like the person you are commenting about. Or perhaps even worse.

Some people need some reflecting to do.

Me? I do mine when people are not looking.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm Back!!!

I'm back and I'm stronger than before.

No, I don't grow muscles over the past few weeks. I am still the same fat girl.

A message that came way too late actually hit me hard on my head. It was from a stranger in my Multiply, but it knocked the sense out of me. Something so true, I wondered why I didn't see it before.

"I did have wonderful times with my *lalala...* and my friends....I am happy with my circle of friends who love me now." --so what is the tears for?

why do we always get haunted by the ugly memories and forget the beautiful one's?

If only I know the mantra long before I had the past haunting me every now and then, I think I would have saved a lot of time and energy I had spent on dealing with the pain. New year is approaching and I have something good to hold on to if the past pays me more visits in the future.

Now, where is the scale when I need one? I need to monitor my weight.

Friday, December 21, 2007


I still have some drafts waiting to be posted.

More updates when I come back to the College.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (II)

Pot: Whoaa... You're so dark and dirty.

Kettle: Duh! That's your own reflection on my shiny body.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black (I)

Pot: You're younger than me, and yet, you're waaaaaaaaaay darker than me. Those people sure made you from cheap stuff; your body stains so easily. Haha!

Kettle: I'm born black. Duh!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Grow Up

I watch my Brother grow up from a little brat to a teenage brat. He doesn't really grow up, unless if you consider cursing a lot and watch pornography as adult things, thus made him a grown-up.

And I also see his former girlfriend grow up. She was a sweet girl. And still is. She used to ask a lot from me, trying to get second opinions in life. She was a growing kid and I, as a big sister to her, tried my best to help her avoid unnecessary clutters in life. I hope I was helping her enough back then. I don't want to ruin some kid's life with wrong opinions of mine.

I came across her page a couple of months ago, and she still remember me. And she has a new boyfriend. At 15, she sure is a very pretty girl and she can easily win a college guy's heart if she wants to. Sounds like some teenage love novel, huh? We have been in touch through Myspace since then.

She apologised to me for not being my Brother's girlfriend at the current time. Duh! Like I really expect her to last long with my Brother until they finish high school. There's no chemistry, I guess. They shouldn't force themselves to stay in the relationship if they don't feel like it. Plus, they are only kids!

Looking at them made me wonder. They grow up so fast. Far different from me. I am still a kid after two decades of living. And according to some sources, I am even more childish now I am older. And struggling to get out of the cocoon. And people are urging me. I need to grow up! Fast!

Now, let me see what really is going on here. I don't have boyfriend until after I reach the legal age. These kids, they already have sweethearts right after they hit puberty. And actually even before they hit puberty. Well, other kids my age too have had puppy loves and real sweethearts in their entire school years. I blame that on my super nerdy self back then in school. Even my bookworm/athletic/afraid-(and/or)-shy-of-girls *lalala...* had puppy loves in high school and long-term girlfriend when he graduated high school.

Me? I was a rough tomboy who played rough enough but don't play sports. A bookworm with the tendency to skip PE classes to read books. The nerd who spent a lot of time in front of the TV and surf the Internet almost the entire night, chatting with guys and girls way older than me. Approximately 10 years older. Social life? Zero. A total loser.

I grow up carrying both visible and invisible responsibilities. I worked hard in my childhood years trying to accomplish a lot of things to please my parents. They used to have very high expectations on me. I need to shine more and more everytime just to make them happy. And I was aware of what adult life would look like. A lot of works, financial controls, the need to jump high enough when you're in the middle of the crowd just to that people will notice you among the sea of people. Unlike Paris who grew up doing things she wanted to do and deal with the adult stuff when the time comes.

And these kids. And like other kids my age back then. They spend their childhood with things enjoyed by kids. Freedom with little worries of the adult life. Please only people you want to please, with options not to please anybody at all. Enjoying what kids do best. Exploring new things, satisfying curiosity, ask lots of questions and keep only half of it in mind and the rest stashed at the back of your mind. Having lots of friends and good times together. And deal with the adult life later when it comes knocking at your door.

I missed the whole point of being a kid. And I consider myself half lucky for the second chance for a brief period while some people are entering the adulthood and some are still enjoying whatever is left by their teenage spirit.

My point: There is no point in rushing a kid into being a grown up. Underachieving kids can always do better in later life if they have positive and satisfying childhood (even for the most rebellious kids). And if they are willing to work hard for it. Putting the pressure of being an adult won't help in long term.

Now, if only I could turn back time...

Ask Who?

OK, so this is a very bad inside joke.

I was surfing the Net, opening tons of pages simultaneously on my multiple windows of Mozilla Firefox (yes, I open a few windows of Firefox plus tens of tabs per window), when I landed on this old web portal that used to be my main portal.

I scanned for new contents but I found nothing special. And at the bottom of the page was a small box; a search box actually, with multiple engines to choose from. Some of the engine are some stuff from my past, I wondered if people still use them. Some names were acquired by Yahoo! if I remember well. Or at least the web hosting services were acquired by Yahoo!, but I'm not quite sure about the engines.

Oh, well. One of the names made me chuckled. Ask Jeeves. A stupid remark came across my mind spontaneously.

Ask Jeeva.

I'm sorry, it really is a bad joke. I didn't mean to joke about it. It happened spontaneously. Seriously. And there is no racial prejudice intended.

Jeeva is a classmate of mine. And Mary Jane's. Four years of being in the same class and he often get our name mixed up. He can never remember to match our names with our faces correctly. Even when we were at the Graduation Ceremony. But it became a nature to us, we just let him name us whatever names he wanted to give us. No point of reminding him of who's who. And people can rarely understand him when he speaks.

And that made me wonder what will happen if there exists an Ask Jeeva.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I'm Sorry

The past week had been somewhat rough. I had a lot of things going on and practically everything I planned went bummed and I had very little rest. I lay down with my eyes shut but my mind ran around for some few distance before it finally felt tired and let me sleep. And I was pissed off on some issues.

I also blamed my mood swings on my hormones. The ups and downs made my mood swings uncontrollably, making me a true monster for the whole week. This is not right. You're doing this wrong. That is unacceptable.

I was grumpy, angry, and even less friendly than what I already am. The stress had forced the monster inside me to lend me a hand, and it had taken me over completely. Most of the time I was quiet, isolating myself from people around me.

At times when I had bits of energy left in the morning, I would be the normal me. And when the good bits of me were all used up, I rely a lot on the monster to keep me going through the day. And what a monster I became most of the time.

The changes had somewhat affected my social life badly. And yes, I noticed a lot of changes going on the whole time. I became an anti-social. It was pretty OK, considering that I really needed some space for myself. Or was it bad? I don't know how things works anymore: Was it things are going badly so I need some space for myself, or I need some space so I behaved badly so people will give me that space? Or was I feeling bad and I didn't want to let everything out on other people, I behaved badly so they will avoid me?

Now I had my head cleared and things going on pretty smoothly. And I feel a whole lot better now. But what's done is done and I can't reverse anything to make up for the whole bad things I have done. So all I can say now is sorry for my bad behaviour and my bad image for the past week.