Poison

I am becoming more and more like the person I hate. Person? Persons? I don't know that anymore. I don't know myself anymore.

I hate myself for that. Hate? I LOATHE my bl**ping self for that. Here's what I think is happening:

For every minute I spend hating someone, I am actually wasting myself slowly absorbing the toxic essences of him/her, making me turning slowly into that person. And it is exactly like the toxics in the air that I breathe and the water that is the key to my survival. Like the unnatural chemical contents in the food I eat. They are eating me slowly without me realising it. Like a cancer slowly growing from some nano particle into a tennis-ball sized tumour or growth that I only realised when it is too late. Way too late.

It might seems like illogical to most people. But that's the only reasonable thoughts I could think of as I pondered over this thing.

Slowly absorbing the poisonous essences of the others - the qualities I hate in them - I am poisoning my own self. As if I don't have enough of my own poisons to kill me from the inside.

This is not just a teenage movie complex like in the Mean Girls. It happened and is still happening to me. Unfortunately I don't have the script in my life's movie that tells me when the scene of the main character realising that she was wrong redeem her life by changing back into her old self and win the charming guy in the movie. No director to yell "Cut!" and no clapboard to end the bad scene when I'm tired of playing it.

Did I try hard enough to stop this thing from happening? Maybe not hard enough. In fact I just snapped at the person who tried hard to drag me out of the mess. I guess it is like I just threw the life jacket away when someone tried to save me from drowning. And I can't swim!

I'm turning into my own enemy. How ironic is life?