Thursday, May 1, 2008

Road to Anorexia

I have been getting quite some "Oh, you look thin" for the past few days. This afternoon I got three people saying the same thing. Two of them said I look a lot thinner. A LOT. I was already 'thinner' when they saw me two months back, but now I'm "thinner than that."

I am not on a diet. And I am not sick. So nobody should worry about me.

I am not dieting. But I have to admit I eat very little now. I can't tolerate a huge amount of food in one sitting without feeling sick afterwards. I am in my "not hungry" period where I can go without food for the whole day or two without complaining "I'm hungry."

I eat less food than usual. I used to eat the same amount my roommates eat - combined. I was a big eater. I used to eat as much as my *lalala...* is eating, and sometimes more. And he eats a lot. Now I can only eat a quarter or less than that.

My appetite was greatly reduced when I was down with fever about a week ago. I didn't eat real food that day. Yesterday I ate 5 pieces of prunes, 4 white bread and a cup of instant cream of chicken soup. The day before yesterday and the day before that I ate two pieces of tuna sandwiches for each day. I am not talking about jumbo-sized sandwiches. Spicy tuna flakes on plain white bread, garnished with some tomato and salad. And I have a medium-sized dark chocolate bar sitting in my bag waiting patiently to be eaten since a few weeks ago.

I am a lot thinner than before, and my stomach is refusing food. A whole lot thinner and I'll be anorexic. I am forcing myself to eat more and more everyday, only to end up feeling bloated and not very well after each meal, or sometimes throwing up whatever thing that is available in my empty stomach. Ouch.

I am fighting it. But fighting requires a lot of energy and will. And I lack both. I am hanging on with whatever that is left in me to survive.

I am not going to be anorexic.


Dyat said...

eat more fruits lor..
mesti kurang vitamin c ni...

buTTerFLowEr said...

trying. haha. tp kat cni xde fruits la. but i always keep sunsweet available

Anonymous said...

u must be one crazy person. i think u are dieting too hard. be careful or you're gonna have a sicko day ahead

buTTerFLowEr said...

i'm not dieting. i don't do diets no matter how fat i am (true. i eat more when i see myself bigger in the mirror) to me cutting calorie means cutting sodas and sweet drinks from my list. so i can always enjoy eating

i just don't have the appetite. even if initially i have the urge to eat, sometimes smelling some food turns the mood off. come on, who can resist the smell of warm kfc?

i drink sweet stuff quite regularly now just to get some sugar in my blood. how awful is that?

now i found some ways to force myself to eat - have someone to sit and watch me eat. or eat while doing something else (like playing games and eating at the same time)

in short, i can't look at the food i'm about to eat. if i'm going to look at it, it has to be crispy and crunchy

yes, i'm already sick and i'm aware of it. that's why i forced a friend to eat with me at least once a day for the past few days :P