Bl**p!

I just got back from a dinner party. The whole thing was not really good.

My *lalala...* is texting me right now. The topic? The GF.

He asks me what if they get back together. What else can I say? Go ahead. Or is he expecting me to congrats her? To congrats them both?

No, he's not being mean. I know he's stuck between me and her. He was hurt. But she is suffering right now. If you ask me, I'll say it's her own fault.

He's feeling guilty for what is happening to her. Bl**p her. Yes, that's what I really want to say. Bl**p her.

I am being mean. I AM. I just don't want to lose him.

Back to the text. He asks me, if they are together, what about me? What? Should I say the truth? The truth that I have had this pain, like being stabbed in the heart (what he call heart-ache. Is it?) when he was still with the GF, when we are currently together (yes, now) and I will always live with that pain when they are once again united.

I think he knows me well enough. I think he knows that I am crying right now. But I pretended like everything is OK. So what if they are back together? Just be happy. Don't worry about me.

Bl**p what I said. He knows that I am hurt, that I am crying. I just don't know what will he do later. He knows I need him now. That's why he's being good enough, brave enough to ask me. He could just leave me or lie to me, pretending like I am still his girl, while his heart is filled with her, with their (new) relationship.

I hate faking myself. I hate being like this.

Somebody please rip my heart out.
Somebody please leave me to bleed.
Somebody please take my life.
Somebody please make him stay with me.
Somebody please...