Dirty

I'm stuck in a dirty relationship. And I mean really dirty. Really, really dirty. And messy. Really messy. Really, really messy.

I am writing this in present, because it is happening. Right now.

A flash of my current relationship:

My *lalala...* and I met by accident. Bla bla bla... Cut the story short, we became best friends. Sort of. Best friends of the opposite sexes. It was pretty funny actually when people thought we had some thing going on, just because we were never seen together before with being so close with someone from the opposite sex for no reason at all. Whatever...

Anyway, I developed some sort of crush on him. And yeah, time had proved it was not just some regular crush. I had the same feeling before. A 'crush' on AK left me crying for at least a straight week. I stopped only when I was in public - the Cafe, the class... But in my room I cried silently non-stop. My Roomies left me to cry alone. Nobody knew why, nobody knew what to do. I was glad they just left me alone. I remembered on lunch time I went back to my room, sat down and started weeping. A few minutes before class started and my classmates dropped by, I wiped the tears away, took a quick glance at my eyes in the mirror and put a fake smile. Back from class I continued crying.

AK hurt me badly by not doing anything. Love? Perhaps. I don't really understand what are love and crush, until this thing with my *lalala...*, the 'crush' I had on him. I never felt the same with my Ex #1 and Ex #2. Yeah, I remembered crying, begging for #1 and #2 (separate occasions OK!) not to leave me. I think the perfect song for that was Love Fool, by the Cardigans.

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

But no, it wasn't the same thing I had with AK.

Love, perhaps. I told my *lalala...* what I felt for him, but I didn't ask him to do anything. I showered him with plenty of stuff, I was being a better-than-best friend. I knew about his girlfriend. That's why I didn't ask anything from him. Anyway, when he started to treat me well and all, my heart was flying up high in the air, only later to be killed with his own words - "Sorry, I was only pitying you. I noticed you needed some TLC, I was only lending you some."

Not his exact words, but that's what it is about. It hurt me badly, yet I continued to be with him. Why? Because he is the best thing I've ever had. The best gift ever.

How special is my *lalala...* compared to AK? Well, AK is like a guy from a dream come true. How true? I would say about 97 - 98%. I'm not really good at Maths. Perfect enough you say? Well, my *lalala...* scores 100%. Yup. 100%. Everytime I think of it, it makes me sing Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

Anyway, he continued to have some conflicts with his GF, I'm always there for him, and so things go from pity to some real care. I'm not sure if he loves me, but yeah, things was OK between us.

Oh, I forgot to mention a thing between me and the GF. We are, somehow, friends.

Then one day the GF broke up with him, he was a total disaster, I was there for him. Then we went out and he was mine and I was his. Unofficially, but still, we're together. I did ask him about the GF and their relationship, and me as his rebound, his soft cushion to fall on the hard ground.

His answer - I am not a rebound. He really is with me now. No more treating me well because of pity. His feelings are straight from his heart. No more barrier between us, the GF is no longer there, no guilty feelings for cheating behind her. None whatsoever.

So we are now happy, I guess... Yeah, I know they still keep in touch with each other. Texts? Phone calls? I don't know, but I know they are in touch.

I have actually cry almost every day since we were *finally* together. I can feel some thing is going on between them - my *lalala...* and the GF. I keep on thinking about us, how he would leave me if she asks him back. I know he loves her. He knows my fear.

I was right about the bad feelings I had earlier. She wants him back. I don't know if she begged him or what. But I know it happens, and it happens now.

She doesn't know about us. She ask him back. And she ask me to help her. I am somehow involved in their problem. Again. Because I'm his friend. His best friend. And her friend.

I ask him to go back to her. Especially when she said he said no. I don't understand why he said no to her.

She said she has some health complications due to her stress. Gastric, something abnormal with her heart, breathing problems. I don't know... But I know she's not kidding.

I just want him to be happy. If getting them back together will help him to be happy, and I'm positive it will help her be happy (that's what she wants) I should be happy.

His happiness is my happiness. I don't really care about her. If he is going to be happy with a girl he saw on the street but has no guts to ask for her number, I'll be the one who asks for her number. Yes, I did told him that. I just hope he remember that. The point is I want him happy. I don't care a damn about her. If she's going to be happy, well, congrats. Hers doesn't mean anything to me.

Somehow she viewed me as some sort of friend. She talked about her probs (yeah, I did ask!) and she asked for help. I just hope that she realised that she doesn't really mean anything to me. Sounds mean? Whatever. I just want him happy. If she knows about us, she'll definitely think I'm being a total bitch, pretending like I'm trying to save their relationship, backstabbing her, stealing her guy. He knows better.

Two happy people always outweigh one crying heart. He loves her, she loves him, she's going to get well really soon, and they'll live happily ever after. A sweet fairy tale ending. If they're going to be happy, then I guess I'll just have to let him go. I'm just a rebound anyway.

Things are complicated right now. But I truly appreciate what my *lalala...* say when I ask him to go back to her.

Me: Why don't you two get back together?
Him: No. I don't think we're on the same track now.
Me: Why don't you try to make her happy? You would be happy too...
Him: And make you cry? I don't want to make you cry. Not anymore.
Me: What if I already did?
Him: I know you cried. I know you've been crying. I don't want you to.
Me: Why? Why don't you just let me cry?
Him: You cry, you make me worry about you.
Me: Why?
Him: You cry because you have problems, because you are upset.
Me: But I always cry. I cry for no reason. I love crying.
Him: You love to see me cry?
Me: No.
Him: So am I. I don't want you to cry.

The conversation revolves around the matter between us - me, my *lalala...* and the GF. I know this is a critical point in our relationship. Ours is fragile. I still feel like a rebound no matter how he tried to assure me that the whole thing is real. This is no short-term beautiful illusions I have in front of me, he is mine now, we are together. I was afraid I would lose all the pretty things we have - no more calling me with sweet names, no more sleeping on his lap.

My worries are half-answered. He still calls me sweet names, he still asks me to keep on texting him after the phone call. But he doesn't say anything about sleeping on his lap. Wrong timing, I guess.

I am going to sleep early tonight. I'm going to waste some tears to sleep. I'm off now.